I'm a lost in my madness - Al-Anon Family Group

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm a lost in my madness

Kismet · Veteran Member

There is nothing stupid in expressing yourself... if your life is remotely chaotic, your posts will reflect that.

Better out than in :)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Cathy)))) I'm with Kismet on the "stupid" thingy. It's not okay to use that word with Cathy as she tries to come from one experience to a better one. No bats please...she's been battered too long and too much already. Give her (((((hugs))))) and *****stars for her growth. (remember the ***'s we got on school work well done? LOL I still got a memory. I smile at your courage sis...keep coming back. ((((hugs)))) smile

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Yeah, don't continue to beat yourself up, you knew what you knew at the time and did the best you could! Now you have a few more tools and know alittle more and that is how the growth of al-anon works. Keep taking care of yourself with showing yourself all the love you can, because you deserve it! Sending you much love and support!

abbyalana · Senior Member

You aren't alone! I find myself all over and often wondering why? I am out of it. The exAH doesn't visit his child and is involved in another very quick, very sick relationship that I don't really have to be involved in. So, some days I am moving along, steady, meeting new people, focusing on me, hanging with family, happy...and then wham! I get hit with evil thoughts, try to get info on the ex, want to cause serious pain to him...I think it's just part of getting out of it and working through the really getting out of it! Who knows? My hope is to meet a non-addict, nice guy, supportive person for my child and really just be able to move on with my life one day in a healthier place, with a healthier person and showing my child a healthier example of a good relationship.

Until then...I guess I have to roll with my internal chaos, feel what I feel and then shelve it. You don't sound stupid to me...you just sound like something working through some of the same stuff I am, we are or we have...depending on who you are on these boards!

Be patient with yourself. ((hugs)) to you!

TryingToChange · Veteran Member

Cathy,

Even though our situations are different; I'm dealing with an AH and you are affected by your son's drinking, I have followed your posts and gained a lot of strength from your determination and growth. You have been an inspiration to me. I certainly don't think you have ever sounded "stupid". We're all just dealing with a devastating disease that impairs our ability to think rationally when it comes to our A's. We're all here for the same reason: to recover and learn better skills and thinking habits. There is nothing to be embarrassed about!!! No one should ever feel ashamed for reaching out for help when they need it.

Please know that you are appreciated and that by sharing your struggles and growth you are helping others!

Mary

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Who made the rule that we always have to sound "smart" or be "rational" and "linear" and "make sense?"

Nope. Our lives are messy, chaotic, and yes, some days my life is STOOPID, and it's all good growth fodder.

We are messy humans. It makes us WAY more interesting...

Please be kind to yourself...our self talk can be brutal at times....and know the board is a safe place for you to drop the mask.

(((HUGS))))

cinders · Veteran Member

Cathy, first off, no one is allowed to call someone I care about names. I care about each and every one of you, you support me when I am struggling and we are all here for each other. I like reading back through my posts and it helps me to confirm the growth I have made. It helps me to remember where I was before and I can see where I am at now. It is a good remember of the growth and at times when I read through them again, I see some of the things that were said to me in a different way than I did before because I have grown and it makes more sense now than it did then. Its part of our growing. Remember, no name calling!! We don't let someone talk about our friends that way. ;)

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for all the great support. You all are such good friends ( I don't even know personally but feel I do ) and am very grateful to be part of this MIP family.

Love you all

(((( hugs ))))

PS: No more name calling...I promise

Fool4You · Veteran Member

The alcoholic/addict in my life never calls me names and there's one name I will never tolerate from anyone. He knows it and it's the C-word. I will walk away from him I told him instantly, be gone forever and there have been many times I wanted him to call me that so I can be free. I do love him but I am SO tired. I ask myself often what am I doing?!?!? He's great fun, loving, kind when sober which is rare these days and then he's drunk and verbally/emotionally abusive. It does feel like madness. I haven't seen him or heard from him now in three days and the last time I saw him he was not able to stand or walk on his own. I went to his place and he answered the door by scooting along the floor for pete's sake. I don't get as worried as I used to, I no longer call the hospitals to see which one he's in this time and I no longer let his absences keep me awake nights. It's a viscious cycle I keep running. Part of my problem is I'm the longest relationship he's ever had (he's 53 and I'm 52, we've been together for 6 years) and I don't want to turn my back on him like everyone else has done. The maddening thing is he constantly turns his back on me when he drinks and dismisses how I feel. It really is maddness. I read a quote from the Bible that said do not fret the burden is not yours to carry. I know intellectually his addictions are his and not mine, but tell my heart that it's time to back off.

tiredtonite · Member

Imperfection is a beautiful thing. It helps me to reach out for my higher power's hand. It's an opportunity to grow spiritual muscle and I get a chance to learn something each day. Progress not perfection.

It's really clear from your posts that you love for your son. Embarrassed? We speak about comparing our insides to someone else's outsides in Alanon. It's been my experience that appearances can be very deceiving. Those who look like they really have it together can be just trying to hold it together by trying to look good. Admitting mistakes to other people keeps me sane, makes me human. I think a lot of us can type well here Cathy but leaving the computer screen and going out and living it will always be a odaat effort at least for me anyway.

More curve balls get thrown at me as I grow. New experiences bring new feelings and some feelings can come out sideways even when the new experience is a positive one. I'm glad you told on yourself because it gives me a chance to tell you that I consider you a program friend whom I accept as you are (and hope you accept me that way too). I learn from you and everyone else here. Thanks for sharing. Hugs TT

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think having an alcoholic son isn't exactly a piece of cake. I know even having an alcoholic neighbor is really very trying so trying to be in a relationship with someone who is alcoholic is quite another event.

Expectations are so so key for us. We can be so compassionate, kind and thoughtful to the alcoholic and then be merciless to ourselves.

I used to be tremendously ashamed of some of my behavior particularly with the ex A. I am no longer beating myself up about it.

If you were around someone who was dealing with a relative with a terminal illness you would no doubt expect them to be all over the place. One minute angry (especially if the illness had some element of self neglect in it) the next really compassionate for the relative and the next exhausted by the demands of caring for themselves. There is no doubt alcoholism is fatal the progressive disease results in either institutions, accidents (oh how many alcoholics have them) misadventure and prison. Recoving alcoholics don't live on a pink cloud for ever.

I think if you compared your posts to anyone else on this board you would see an all over the place graph too but you have great compassion for them and an understanding that this journey is tremendously hard.

Be kind to yourself the reality of what you are dealing with is frightening, exhausting and trying for even a saint to deal with.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.