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an option as far as dating again after all we have been through. He is just starting out with being sober and talking to his A.A. sponsor and he has been calling me to just chat with him on a couple hard nights he has had. He asked me in a few months if he continued doing well with his sobriety, if I would ever give him another shot. After knowing him for 17 years 3 of it sober and he was great for the most part even without A.A. I can only imagine if he was working a diligent program. This was always a dream of mine since I have found al-anon 2 years ago that he would find A.A. I told him I think program asks for no big new changes like dating for 6 months and that I am open to the idea and already am interested. What do you al-anoners in program for awhile think about this one. I am in no hurry and am going to school full time work part time and have our kids 3/4 time. I will not rush anything for sure. He lives an hour and a half away. I am not in denial about how bad things were in our very dysfunctional past marriage. I am aware eyes wide open thinking I don't feel addicted to him at this point, but I really like the man he is and even more the man he is striving to be. Give it to me straight!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
If he's going to stay on the straight and narrow, he will still be on it in two years. If he's going to stray, getting into a relationship in the first year of sobriety is a good way to do it. You want a relationship with the sober guy, not the drunken one, right? The sober guy will be available in two or three years. Before then, who knows?
Breaking when I got into Al-Anon fully and honestly I knew I was crazy and I soon came to learn about what I brought into the relationship with the alcoholic/addict which was sick and insane...that was the part I had to learn about and to change...What was my part in it? The inventory steps 4 - 10 had to become a natural part in my life to keep me from trying to scapegoat the others in my life for things I was messing up in otherwise; and this did happen several times; I would be taking the "me" part of the problem into old and new relationships further on. I stopped the question at "Am I crazy..."? I stopped making demands on my alcoholic/addict wife that I wouldn't consider on myself. Even wanting/needing to be in a relationship went under the microscope of "what is my part in it"? and the answers went into the "my addiction" side of the files. I was as sick as she was and didn't have the bottle, butts, powders and other chemicals on the table to blame.
I know that the programs of both Al-Anon and AA have so much to offer the person, the family, the community if they are lived and that they make for solid, honest relationships mostly because we find a Higher Power in our lives and take that Higher Power with us always. My present wife...who is also a program member understood before we married that we could not have a relationship of any kind or a marriage if we first couldn't love each other second...we needed to practice the love of our Higher Power first or we went back into chaos and crises. I know today that my wife loves me because she has a relationship with her HP that is more important than the one she has with me and that the reverse is true also.
Just a share...Keep growing and coming back. ((((hugs))))
Agreed with ALL of the other ESH .. you can certainly keep an open mind .. that open mind can have it's own timeline and there is NO rush to do anything. If he's really going to be into his sobriety, it will be the same 2,3,4 years as it is right now.
As much as you are saying you aren't addicted to him .. remember the A will think that as well I can have just one and it won't affect me, and it turns into a huge mess. They go instantly back to the depths of addiction as fast and hard as where they left off.
Take your time and just breathe.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi, I think this one is for you to really think about. I can share my situation which is similar to yours. My x ah was sober, without a program for 6 yrs. The only reason was I was leaving him if he carried on. During that time he substituted alcohol with drugs and continued with the old attitudes and thoughts,so did I.
Anyway, I left him 5years ago and he went straight back to the drink. We were still in a sick relationship until the beginning of last year when I told him it was over completely. For the 1st time I meant it. He pulled out all the stops, joined aa, got sober, tried a variety of manipulation tactics, well they always worked in the past, you name it, promises after promises. I know I will never go back to him. I was ready, I think I surrendered to reality. My eyes opened. Then I got alanon.
My a also tried hard to hook me into playing a part in his recovery, I told him I am powerless over his drinking and I refused to offer incentives or be an incentive. He went back to alcohol. Of course. Since then, he is angry and upset that he has no power over me. He has tried to make me feel guilty, pity etc but I decide what feelings I will deal with, he hates it. He talks of loving me but I honestly believe love was rarely there for our 20yrs. His 'love' is actually his desire to have his needs met by me.
I also believe that now I have detached if he gets sober he will have done it for himself and he will have a higher chance of success.
That, however, is none of my business. My recovery is all that truly matters to me.
You say your a is a great guy, you are lucky my a was never a great guy, he was very difficult to live with and brought chaos and pain to my family. There were some happy times and my recovery is slowly helping me remember these. I hope
My share has helped you in some way.x
No, you are not crazy. Sometimes the reality of losing family is rock bottom and inspires change from both sides. An A may find recovery or their loved ones may find a way to remain serene even in the addicition cycle. One of my red flags was the 6 month idea in your post. A pattern my exAH and I often participated in was the ... it's been 6 months I paid my dues and now rinse and repeat ... game. I eventually associated the pattern to training for a marathon. My race was enduring the addiction cycles until I got my trophy of him pretending to work a program. And his trophy for being sober for awhile was my forgiveness. But endurance and soberiety only lasted until the trophy arrived. Now, when considering dating, it is important to me to see a commitment to a way of life that has existed for a long period of time. And this would apply to my exAH as well as anyone else.
You know many alcoholics need to feel they have someone to fall back on when times are tough.
I think it is really difficult to "date" someone you were once involved with.
What would dating comprise of?
In theory the AA program suggest no major changes for a year or more. For some people in AA going back to an old relationship wouldn't actually mean a change.
I have dated since I left the ex A. For me dating means that I get to know someone, work out if their behavior is acceptable to me before I even consider a commitment.
For me personally dating starts out very very casually. I have met many a person who thought otherwise and their need to bolt into a relationship masked other issues.
So what I would say is what does dating mean to you? Does it mean a relationship.
For me personally unless I felt I was in a relationship I felt at sea. Now I do not but I also know that I have to take any kind of dating very very slowly.
My dream of a relationship used to be to talk several times a day, spend all day thinking of them, take care of their every need, think up all kinds of things to make their life better and my needs, my concerns and issues all got pushed out of the picture.
Do you have a sponsor? Some of what I look at when I am in a dating relationship is what would my sponsor say about what I was dealing with? In some ways that is a good way to have a boundary.
For me dating is a thing to look at very very casually rather than a lifetime commitment. What the consequence is if I say "no" to someone is very telling. If they balk and they get very angry that is no longer acceptable to me. If they start lambasting me then that is also no longer acceptable.
What would the consequences be if you said "no" to this man? Would you feel responsible for his sobriety?
For so many of us getting into al anon is all about them. I had no sense of self when I got here. I didn't take care of myself on so many levels I was lucky to be alive on so many levels, physically and emotionally and naturally I blamed it all on "Him".
The ex A was really happy when I got into al anon because I stopped getting on his case. In some ways he did indeed think it was all about him. He really believed it was to save our relationship and in some strange way I did too. Then I got to realizing I had to save myself first.
I really bought into that when I met the now ex A in the beginning our life was good. What it was was that I was in denial. I was deliberately not seeing the red flags in front of me. Now when I date and see a red flag I do not deny it. I look at it square on. If I met someone who wanted to be in a committed relationship day one quite frankly I would run a long mile really quickly. I would believe all kinds of things about what they were, what they "could" be and most of all what they they could be with my "help".... In the past I would fall into their arms and think I won the lottery.
My biggest thought about the dating matter now that I have dated a little is, my exAH is an A and has many of the A traits I was with him from a very young age. I left him 2 years ago. He is great when sober even without A.A. for the spurts he could white knuckle it after the initial grump faze. The couple guys I dated didn't compete with my ex in a few big ways to me as I look back. My ex was very respectful towards me and my daughters and didn't make me feel objectified or have a wondering eye. I left before I had al-anon and I was a mess blaming him and his drinking for everything, I am a different person these days and would love to see if we could make it with A.A. and Al-anon and I am handing this all over to God and see where this takes me. Thanks for the ESH all! Sending you all love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Just a reminder that it's not a choice between a caring and respectful A and uncaring non-A's -- there are good folks out there, but you have to meet a lot of folks to find them, of course. That doesn't mean that we shouldn't keep our hearts open. Those people are hoping to meet us as much as we are hoping to meet them.
