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We have two cars. One my AH drives. One I drive. Both are registered in my name. We are both listed on the insurance for both cars. He has driven drunk far too many times for my comfort. Tonight, he came home obviously drunk. I had plans to go out for an hour with friends, I made him promise me he would just stay home, and not go back to the bar. I know, silly me, asking an A for a promise. You'd think I'd know better. So of course, he promises he will stay in and when I return from my short outing, he and his car gone. I find him down the street at the local bar, where he is everyone's friend. Sitting at the bar, he is doing shots with a woman I don't know. Nice. When I walk up behind and tap him on the shoulder, he first looks shocked, then says "Hi baby" and proceeds to introduce me to this obviously drunk woman, and I calmly say, "I have a spare set of keys, I'm taking your car home". He says "ok", still looking shocked.
I have to admit, it felt good to shock him for a change.
So I drove home, put his car in the garage. Walked back to the bar a half mile away, got my car, drove home again, and parked my car in the our driveway. About 40 minutes later he came storming in the house, demanding to know what I had done with his car. He's so drunk, he doesn't even realize it is in the garage. I've already hidden his spare key, and then I pick up his other set of keys, which he had dropped on the kitchen table when he came raging through the door.
Here's the thing, I know I can't control his drinking, but since I am the registered owner of his car, I feel justified in taking the keys away from him, and denying him access to drive. It is solely a safety issue. I don't want him to hurt himself or anyone else on the road.
Tomorrow, when he sobers up, he'll want the keys back, and I'm torn about what to do. My gut tells me I should give him back everything but the car key. If he wants to drink, he can walk to the bar or liquor store. I just don't want him to drink and drive.
But here's the hard part, how long to I keep the key?
That's the hard part, in a perfect world, he would agree to a recovery program, and that would be the point where I could trust him to drive again. But I know he hasn't hit his bottom yet, so by keeping the car from him, am I setting a boundary or controlling?
When I look at my motives, I it is about safety. What do you think?
PS - I also realize that this is a big move, and I'm also considering changing our bank accounts to limit his access to money. He is unemployed. I am the sole money earner. All of these changes are ME taking back my own control in this insanity and taking care of me, but I know that they are really the first steps to our possible separation, his possible recovery, or maybe many other outcomes I can't imagine. I am giving this up to my HP now, and going to try to get some sleep.
Thanks for reading this long-winded post. And thanks for sharing.
I agree with milkwood and support the idea of changing one of the cars over to his name completely. His name on the registration and his name on the insurance. I did that and it certainly helped to relieve a huge part of my anxiety.
I also hear you regarding protecting yourself financially. I understand that your motives are sound and there is a need to protect yourself financially since you are the only one working. How this change will work out in the future is an un known .
It will help you now. Without projecting , keep showing up for yourself and trust HP and your inner voice.
In my thoughts
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 9th of January 2013 02:21:49 PM
Such a tricky situation, as you know. The answers may be different for everybody.
One thing is the issue of him drunk-driving and maybe hurting others on the road or himself. Different people have different approaches to this. We have to recognize that we can't stop them taking foolish risks, because that is what alcoholism is all about. But also we obviously don't want to be culpable when someone is hurt or killed.
The other issue is that the cars are in your name -- they're yours, as I understand it? And you share insurance.
Even apart from the danger of drunk-driving, I would be concerned that my car is at risk. If you had an acquaintance who regularly drank and drove, and he asked to borrow your car, would you lend it to him? So that might be a guideline for whether you want your A to use your car.
But setting up that boundary would require thought and planning. For instance, what would you do with the car if you said he could no longer drive it? Sell it? How would you stop him getting hold of the keys, or the keys to the car you use? And how would you fire-proof yourself against the storm of anger, blame, wheedling, etc. that would probably ensue if you said you didn't want him using your car any longer?
All I can say for sure is one thing: if you let an alcoholic use a car, he will drink and drive.
All I can say is that i wish I had separated from my exAs financial and insurance woes MUCH sooner than I did...one drunk driving accident...when you are on the insurance...can sink your chances of ever getting affordable insurance in the future...If I had to do it again, just his name would be on his things...and my name on mine...it would have made things easier...
I have been away from my now ex A for 2 1/2 years...and though I still struggle financially, there are no crazy surprises, no missing money, etc...
Well done ParisMemories, I admire your self control and awareness. I have always been very clear with AH about drink driving and I think that it is one of the elements that has helped him to realise just how undermining the disease can be. My own judgement line is about how I feel about something and I must admit that I am thankful for that lesson, even though it has been a painful one. I might not be right, but staying true to my principles and finding my own balance is my first priority. I have learnt that I prefer to be unpopular with someone than with myself. From a practical point of view, and without any rancour, might your man like to arrange his own insurance - after all, he might actually like himself better if he felt he was was able to protect you from any repercussions.
Sounds like you are safe guarding yourself, just check your motives regularly that you aren't trying to be God and force change on another grown person. I like what I read and see that you are taking care of yourself with boundaries. Sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
If I was Standing where you are from this Point of View...I too would be on board with Turning that Vehicle over to Him if that is an Option... It then takes you out of ANY Cituation that would arrise with him and his Drinking & Driving... Who Ever OWNS the Car is Liable for whoever Drives the Car... God forbit he have an Accident of any kind, and YOUR Insurance will sky rocket and he will be left AGAIN With No Responsibilty for his Actions...
And I Also Agree about protecting yourself Financially... It Isn't about Control when Your LIfe, Your Money, Your Insurance is the only thing paying his way! You are Giving him BACK His Control Over his Own Life, and Removing yourself From HIS Responsibility...
No One Knows what Tomorrow Brings, But if we don't take care of ourselves, Who will? Surely Not Our Alcoholics... As we have Learned their Trustworthness is Few & Far Between...
Keep Taking Care of You, Get to a Local Meeting if thats an Option... Do things that remove you from the pattern of Looking after him, when the only one you need is YOU n your HP... no one Knows what the Future will hold, but at least you will be able to sleep at night knowing your Not Responsible...
I have been in this Place before only it was an ABF and not a Husband... And I was told that if he was driving my car and got caught I would be Liable for ALL... His Driving was then Revoked... until he found his Own Wheels & Own Insurance.. He Never Did Get one, and he learned how to get were he wanted without MY CAR :) ... And if the Vehicle is super important to you then allow him to find his own wheels... ;) there is Always Options to protect ourselves.. Sometimes we just need a little nudge to keep us focused on our Own Serenity :)
I have a Lt. Abrother that is 33 yrs old has not Driven since he was 17yrs old because he had 4 DWI's and will not go to court and ask for his License back (Or he could drive) ... and Yet he Still manages to Find his way around Just Fine & still manages to Drink Everyday... I Gave up spending my time to get him where he needs to go, for the sake of my own Serenity...At First I Felt Guilty...Now I Accept that HE CHOOSES to Live that Way... Not Me... :)
Please take what you like and leave the rest... Glad your Here :) Friends in Recovery...
Been there and done that also...so BRAVO!! and also for me if he/she isn't working a program to get and stay sober...they don't get the key back. The reasons don't need mentioning...they are much too obvious. If he cannot control his behaviour out of a car he won't control it inside of a car. When I did it...it worked for me. "I love you and no..." is a truthful response. You're involved and it is your responsibility to keep the obvious consequences outside of your hula hoop. ((((hugs))))
Want to think about disabling the car also...Alcoholics are risk takers and cunning, powerful and baffling.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 10th of January 2013 02:42:09 AM
I'm Scottish and I find it hard to believe the issues with drunk driving on this forum. Is it very common in the USA? It's not really common here in my town or people are not getting caught. It does happen and is in the papers and on the news at times but it has became socially unacceptable and shameful here. In fact if caught here you lose your licence, get a criminal record, your car can be destroyed and jail. It's taken really seriously and I would do what I could to prevent myself being involved in any way. I would be terrified he killed someone. I know we are not supposed to create a crisis but I think I would call the police and report him.
Like Betty I would seperate out the cars. Of course you will not want to do this. You will want to believe he will see the logic in not driving when he is drunk.
There is a really good chapter on this in Getting them Sober. I hope you have a copy.
I could rationalize all kinds of things about my behavior around the now ex A. One thing I definitely did was not to go out with him if he was drinking.
I separate myself out from the whole issue of trying to control his drinking.
Of course whatever you do, no one here is going to say you should have, could have or would have.
Thank you all for your feedback and support. I haven't been able to get to a F2F meeting since last weekend, and I can't tell you how comforting it is to get your replies, and suggestions. Makes me feel so less alone in this whole thing.
My husband is at the DMV as we speak making the title and registration switch on the car. Despite all the drama of his episode earlier this week, including not remembering posting photos of his drinking buddy (woman) on his Facebook page and sending gibberish, vulgar text messages to both me and his brother, he still can't see that a recovery program is needed. He believes he can do it on his own. Sigh.
It has been a difficult week, but I feel like I made some small steps to regaining control of MY life, and setting up some boundaries to maintain my peace of mind. Besides the separation of the cars, I've been to the bank to set up my own account and better manage my finances. I have to travel for work tomorrow through early next week and am trying to stay focused on the immediate stuff and not worry about the fact that he will be here alone.
Fantastic work!!! I well understand the inanity of an active alcoholic/addict. The great thing is you are taking care of yourself and focusing in on what you need to do. Whatever the next catastophe is he gets into you will not be there to pick him back up.
