The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been thinking about why I ended up as a codependant enabler. At what point in my life did I become like this? Is it a self esteem issue? I think it comes from my childhood, I've always people pleased and was brought up like this. My ex ah and I were made for each other really, two mixed up people who got sicker together. The only difference between us now is I accept help and have found my program but he can't or wont embrace aa, he does for a short time and in a small way. Anyway, I'm really thinking out loud. Thanks for listening.
el-cee, I think it's less, "How'd I become like this?" and more "what am I going to do about it now that I am in al-anon?" Kind of a "where do I go from here" type attitude. I know for myself, I am grateful for the alocholic, because they brought me to Al-anon, and this program has now become a way of life for me and one I practice "in all my affairs."
But, since you asked, I will try to address why I believe I became co-dependent. I believe it is different for each and every individual however. For some it is being raised in an alcoholic home, other's not so much so. I myself had a very good childhood, or so I thought at the time. I was never abused, wasn't subjected to alcoholics, my parents didn't drink, didn't smke and went to church every Sunday. So why, I used to ask myself did I end up here, married to multiple alcoholics over time? So, to your question, "At what point in my life did I become like this?" It will be different for each and every one of us.
I know for me it was a combination of being raised by elderly parents (not alcoholic) and learning how to be "responsible" for them... who should have been "responsible" for themselves. They both married for the first time to each other late in life and had each lived with their parents, who took care of them... so when I surprisingly came along when mom was 40 and dad 47, I don't think they knew what to do with me! lol I was once told by a counselor that I started taking care of them probably very early in my life, and this was true. To your question, "Is it a self esteem issue?" At first, for me no, I don't believe it was, I was just raised to be a good care-taker and I do believe that I got some feelings of "self-worth" from being able to help others. Eventually though, yes.. it became a self-esteem issue once the alcoholics in my life had beaten me down with snide remarks, and put-downs.
I don't know why exactly that I started marrying alcoholics, other than they were definitely in need (they thought) of being taken care of, and I had been taught well! I had been married and divorced to two of them, before I found al-anon. I've slowly been putting my life back together ever since. It is definitely a One Day at a Time process and I also have to remind myself daily, Progress not Perfection. Good luck to you on your journey!
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Thanks overcome, your right its not a positive odat question.
I want to get to know myself better not sure if delving into the past is a good idea though. Im not visiting it with resentment.
I know that for me my mother was affected by an alcoholic by the time I came and she had the classic behaviours. In a way this set the scene. I became addicted to my ex ah from the start (14 yo). I had a need to be needed and based my self worth on that. Over the years of alcoholic madness, I was left isolated, low self esteem and a victim. I like that your grateful because you found alanon. I'm not at that stage yet but I am grateful because my thinking is so much clearer now. I think before I speak, I am slowly addressing my defects with some success. I'm happier than I've been in years and I like this forum. Thanks
El-Cee. You're a lot like me. I become so introspective and try to analyze everything. What I really need to do is stop worrying about what has happened in the past and focus on becoming healthier and stronger. It's a hard thing to do when you suffer from a low self-esteem. However, it's imperative for us to be better for ourselves and those we love. I'm learning this one day at a time.
I believe that the book "Women who love too much" has answers on this that are very good. Though not a woman I read the book when I was searching for answers to the same question and it worked for me too. It is written by Robin Norwood. (((hugs)))
I ask myself WHY all the time, but I know the answer and it's the same as yours. I am a people pleaser from day one. I've always done what I could to ease others to get their acceptance and love. I was married for twenty years to someone who was emotionally unavailable and emotionally abusive if that makes sense. I realized I had married him because he said he wanted me. I soon found myself involved with the alcoholic in my life and have been with him for six years. I am not married to my alcoholic nor do I live with him, but it's hell all the same. He was sober when we met and i had no idea he had abused all kinds of substances in his life until I was hooked on him. I overlooked the undesireable things in him because to me the good things in him outweighed the bad. I also stick with him because his past in quite ugly, but yes I know that's not my problem. I never want anyone to feel like I did growing up or when I was married so I am a magnet for those with high need. My A uses my name when he talks to me which I never had, makes me laugh, can be fun etc. but thenhe drinks and becomes belligerent. He's emotionally and verbally abusive. It's so tough for me to say NO or do things for my own wellbeing for once in my life but I am slowly doing it. I am constantly conflicted with "helping" him and doing what I need for me. In any case I am on the path to recovery and will be going to my first meeting on Tuesday (it's one I am able to physically get to since I have no car). Be strong!
I think it is so huge to see where you came in to "choosing" the A. The digging deep will pay off.
I no longer think of myself as "ill". After all no child is born ill. Some of us are a product of so many circumstances. There is no question people pleasing saved me as a child. The issue was it became a lethal defence as an adult. I had no idea how to protect myself.
Indeed, like you the now ex A saw nothing wrong with himself. That kind of denial is so common. For some people the bottom is a low one.
I am glad you have embraced al anon it took me such a long time but I am very grateful to this program daily.
