The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Make a dinner for the group and let them have a meeting before or after the dinner at the dinner table and let them let you listen. We use to do such things earlier on in my recovery and today most of our friends are in program so we get together often. Just a thought...ask him what he thinks and just in case you're not a cook...cater Subway or Kentucky Fried. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 9th of January 2013 12:21:51 AM
Isn't anyone else annoyed their significant other has a whole world of AA friends that they are not a part of? I have lived with my recovering A for a year and a half, he's been sober almost 4 years. I never knew the out of control part of his life and I'm thankful for that. I understand that AA changed his life and without it, I wouldnt have ever dated him. He goes at least 4, sometimes 5 nights a week to a meeting. He jumps at every phone call or text from someone in his AA life. I feel left out sometimes. I feel like I'm not part of the group. It sucks really. He spends more free time with them than with me. Is this just me or does anyone else feel the same way?
Sorry, I don't really get where you are coming from. I have spent 20yrs wishing my ex a would go to aa. It sounds like he is in a good place. I can understand why you feel a bit neglected but be careful what you wish for. Believe me the alternative is hell.
Thank you for offering a different perspective. I know you're right. I'm sure it sounds so bratty of me to say I feel left out. I guess I just didnt realize that AA would be a part of my life too, meaning we have to schedule everything around it. I didnt realize that alcholism would be something I had to deal with. Didnt have a clue I would need an al-anon group to help me understand this complex disease, yet here I am.
I wish I did know how you feel truly. I did feel neglected while he vanished in his bottle though and who is to say which is worse. It's good you have alanon. It helps you focus on you regardless of what anyone else is doing.
I've heard similar complaints in the rooms of Al Anon. Depending on how close you are and the depth of connection you both have with each other, can you talk to him about how things are looking or how you feel? My stepmother is dating a man who is now 5 months sober and she's feeling the same way. She spent the last 2 years of my dad's life taking care of him when he was recovering from a surgery to remove a spinal tumor that paralyzed him. Anyway, my dad died last December and she's 63 and now starting to date. She is totally thrown by the world of AA and how much time it takes. Luckily, for her, she has a very demanding full time job and she also is not 100% committed to this man so she's now dating a second guy, LOL!
So, I guess I would also suggest maybe finding some things for you like hobbies, reading, exercising, maybe trying an Al Anon meeting, too? And, as El Cee said, it really is better when they choose recovery but recovery isn't a walk in the park either. Believe me, DUIs, lies, blackouts, etc are NOT fun to deal with and that's assuming they're not abusive or mentally unstable(which mine is to some degree). Hugs to you tonight!
I hear you and would like to suggest that you find an alanon group and attend. The two programs compliment each other. We attend to help us break the isolation and develop healthy tools to live by.
The disease of Alcoholism is a progressive illness that is arrested and never cured. We who live with the disease need a support group that enables us to learn how to live full productive lives. The face to face meetings can be found by calling the main alanon number in your white pages This may also give you another common ground in your marriage.
Good Luck
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 9th of January 2013 09:01:09 AM
I dated and eventually lived with a man in AA for two years once. I had a lot of resentment about the time he spent in the program and how his life revolved around the program. Back then I did not have al anon but I certainly had many many issues with what I expected of the relationship.
I have also been around people on many levels who jump when they get a text or email and I have to say it is a little offputting. I cannot imagine what that is like to live with someone who does that.
For so many of us the issue is expectations. When I first got here and people talked about reasonable expectations I was absolutely furious after all this was MY relationship and I had a whole long list of shoulds, woulds and coulds. Since I over valued the relationship I expected whoever I was with to do likewise.
I would agree with Betty that the two programs compliment each other. Indeed if you ever went to a open AA meeting you might hear of alcoholics who talk about having a hard time with codependents. Of course most alcoholics are also codependents but that is beside the point.
Another really important resource is the book Getting them Sober (maybe you might have noticed it mentioned here more than once). I think Toby Rice Drew, the author has a wonderful message about expectations and the reality of early sobriety (for most of us that is 5 years).
Al anon gives so many of us the opportunity to look at ourselves rather than put the entire focus on the alcoholic. Of course we may not want to but the opportunity for doing that is very worthwhile.
