The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I need to swallow my pride. I am going to my usual out-of-town Alanon meeting--60 miles away. I sometimes go to any lengths to get to a meeting.
But, I haven't received my Alanon coin yet this year. I am thinking that I won't mention it tonight as I would feel too proud & did not receive it.
I am hoping that I won't get too involved tonight either. I don't have a lot of ESH to share this week. I just want to go to be present & listen.
I am not going to travel all that way & feel icky like sometimes I do. I usually feel very tired before I arrive at the meeting--do shopping before & stuff
so the stress of the day burns me out.
Sometimes as I have said before, I feel like I know so much but sometimes only know very little. The more I grow, the more I need to know.
These days I am taking medicine for sleep. It helps but my doc said that it can cause memory loss. I have been taking it for years & am surprised
that it still works--tried everything else & this still seems to work.
I am still in touch w/ reality & have some brain left. I have abused myself mentally so many times that I might not have another recovery in me.
I just keep praying that I won't end up in a psych ward again! I know I am projecting; but I have FEAR about returning to my crazy self.
Right now recovery is there & I am grateful for that more than anything.
My topic might be way off but I feel now that the confidence I didn't have when I first starting to write this is there & hasn't melted away!
Peace to all of you. Thanks for letting me ramble.
Something I am learning about this place is that I don't have to worry about having it all together. I believe my biggest problem is pride. My desire to have it all together and appear to have it all together, and my fear of failing, have all caused me to beat myself up. It appears a lot of us here do the same thing. It's wonderful to have this safe haven to ramble and ask for prayer. In my own little day of self-doubt and pity, it helps to read the writings of others and offer prayer and peace back to you.
Kathleen...twasn't but the passing of 16 years before I got my first chip which was a surprise because it was someone else who remembered my entry date. I already had my peace of mind and serenity so the chip was an extra and I got a wierd surprise when I received the chip from him...my evil double personality said..."Oh good you're cured...we can get the hell out of here now!" Some else in the room shouted "Keep coming back"! and so I sat down again. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
