The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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The last 2 months have been really challenging for me. I planned my inlaws 50th wedding anniversary, it was Christmas, kept helping SO many people out to the point of exhaustion and then slight resentment, and my brother in law and his 3 kids stayed with us for a week. Having my BIL stay with us really put me over the top emotionally. I held it together and was really kind and welcoming but inside I was really upset and frustrated with them. They didn't clean up any of their messes and they were passive aggressve and made fun of my husband and were constantly poking fun at him. I felt so sad that there was no real connection. It felt very shame based. Anyways....they have since left and my house is back in some sort of order but I just feel down and negative. I feel like it is one thing after a nother. My kids and husband are now sick, I have so much to get done and I never seem to get any alone time. I have been with people way too much and have not gotten much space. I want to enjoy life. The weather is cold and crappy. Don't I sound like a ball of fun??? :) Sometimes I look at others and I think th at they have such happy fun lives and I look at mine and it feels like there are always problems. Is this in my mind? Are my expectations too high? Sometimes I hear these new age people saying that we can attract lots of good stuff to us. I am just confused if life really is hard OR if I am just making it so. If I look to find more positives then will I find more joy I wonder. I have this awful problem of comparing myself to this woman on facebook. She is always posting how great her life, kids, marriage is and I feel like mine is boring and I am not enough. I don't know if anyone can relate to this. Oh, and I am also on step 10 now. The steps have been good and I wonder if I am just more down because I am so aware of how the disease of alcoholism affected me. I haven't made my ammends yet but am very open to it. Also, I hate winter...dark dreary days. Sorry if I am so nagative but I just need my program friends. I am glad you understand. I guess my big question is....are my expectations way too high and am I throwing myself a pity party?
Maybe the answer to your questions are 'both'. I remember meeting a woman at our homeschool group. She was 5 ft 10, blonde, well endowed, and looked a Paris Hilton look a like. She had 2 beautiful blonde children, a girl and a boy. OH, and she had a handsome tall thin airline pilot husband. I thought she had everything I didn't. Well, we became friends and our boys became friends. Turns out her husband was a closet drinker, hiding bottles in the kid's rooms, hiding beer cans on their speed boat in the side yard, drinking vodka while on the computer and telling her it was water. She would call me up crying at 11 PM while driving and talk of taking the kids and going far away. He had rages and she would take the kids and stay at a mutual friends house. Anyway, if you see her Facebook page, she is the picture of perfection as is her whole family. Yet, not too many people really knows what she's been through behind closed doors. I tell you this to remind you that you have no idea what happens in the homes of others especially when they're posting stuff on FB.
You sound like you could use a night away. Once the family is healthy is there a way you can go somewhere for a weekend, or go to a movie alone, or just get to a few more meetings? Hugs to you, I'm having my own pity party these days so I totally understand.
Willow, I felt like this recently too. I think that, with the holidays over, and the cold weather upon us, the days are darker and drearier. If you are a people person, you need to get out among some people. I know that the dreary weather has a big affect on me. Not only that, but, my AH hurt himself and didn't work for over two weeks. So, on top of having all of his DUI expenses, and Christmas espenses, we are without over two weeks of pay for him. Currently, we are waiting to hear when he will have to go to DUI hotel for three days. He was sick this week, and missed another day of work. I had a day of feeling sorry for myself, and then I realized it doesn't help me or anyone else. Take your pity party. There is nothing wrong with that. Tomorrow is a new day. Just remember, you are not alone in any of this. Don't beat yourself up. Take a walk. Take some time to give yourself a pedicure or take a bath. Eat a piece of chocolate. Whatever it takes. You will make it through this.
wow I hate it when I feel depressed, resentful and upset. All that negativity it makes me so tired, I still get times like this but I do not stay there as long today thanks to Ala non and Coda.
I was always running around after others even when then never asked and then I would be resentful because I was tired or they never repaid the favour or were not as appreciative as i thought they should be. Oh yes I have compared my sorry lot to people who seem to have it all.
Today it is better though- HOW?
I started worrying about me, I am slowly learning how to mind my own business, I try not to do for other what they can do for themselves, I am trying to not be the over responsible one. I have to, I should are no longer the most important phrases in my vocab.
As I am slowly learniing how to love and take care of Me I do experince guilty(false guilt) because all my old mind tapes tell me I should be doing this or that.
But Today al anon say you are powerless your life is a mess so I am trying to organise my life so i like it rather than fixing everyone elses. I knew i could do it on my own, so I pray a lot and hand over problems , guilty etc to my Hp. Meetings always make me feel more positive, reading the lierature. In fact the biggest reward i am getting from being so committed to MY RECOVERY AND GETTING ME WELL is my thinking is becomeing more positive.
My suggestion would be to take some time for you and your recover all the rest will come in time, it works if we work it hugs tracy
Boy! I relate to your post more than you can know! I have come to dread the holidays the last few years where before they were some of the happiest times of my life. My only goal growing up was to become one day a good wife and mother. And I was blessed with a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful children. Of course I had to have a career also as i was taught growing up to never rely on a man to support me. and with my income we could live a comfortable life. Not rich by any means but comfortable. And I had a great run at my dream for 24 out of the now 30 yrs of marriage. That's when because of some traumatic events my childhood memories that I had suppressed for so long came rushing back like a freight train. And I had no coping skills for that. I stayed strong for as long as I could then lost the will to try anymore and let the depression and anxiety take over. I lost my dream job and then watched my beloved son fall into addiction. soon I was so lost in my depression I became agoraphobic and didn't leave my home for over a year. My beautiful loving family absolutely fell apart. Our daughter who was always my closest ally always. shut the door on me because i became a person she didn't know anymore. My son sunk deeper into addiction and my husband who had become disabled tried to hold everything together. My life couldn't have been turned more upside down. Once I found alanon (by the grace of God) i found it worked in all areas of my life. The people and the program lifted me out of my depression and lessened my anxiety. But then what was I left with. A very angry unforgiving daughter and an addicted son. My husband was the only one who stood by my side through everything. He found his peace thru church. I found I couldn't fix my son, it was up to him to seek help. He has yet to do that. He has spent almost all holidays in jail and my daughter only finally came home this year for a few hours to spend Christmas morning with us. My husband and I have learned to just make the best of what we do have. and be grateful for the blessings that our in our live. The best moment I had this Christmas was going to Christmas Eve Mass where I was reminded of what the holiday was really about. But in looking at other families around us or on FB I just had to take a break. I didn't go on FB from before Thanksgiving until the New year. I couldn't look at all these happy families without feeling sorry for myself. But I also know people post what they want others to see not necessarily what's really happening in their lives. I happen to know many of my friends are living with addiction, money problems, marriage problems etc. But they put on a good show. In my State the religion that is predominate dictates that families when in public display themselves as being picture perfect. What they don't take into account is noise travels and when people leave their windows or doors open the heated arguments can be heard all around. I have learned never to envy the lives of others because as someone stated above, No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I think this maybe a good time for you to decompress and do something good for you. If you are already working the program you know it is all about caring for yourself. I hope you do that! Blessings
I really appreciate the reply's and support. I am glad I am not the only one who feels these feelings. Yes, I do think I need to do a little more for myself. This morning I went to the gym and did a weight lifting class and followed that class with yoga - wow...who knew yoga could be so wonderful. I think I have been isolating myself too much. The weather is def. a little dreary and I need to keep busy and may be even get myself some vit. D pills until spring.
Tracy, I do the same thing helping others even when not asked and then getting resentful. My sponsor says "An expectation is a pre meditated resentment" and that is what I have been doing. It's so weird learning to take care of myself...it feels weird and I feel selfish to a point. I am so used to doing anything and everything for others. It is sad though because I would focus more on others outside of my family and then my kids and husband would not get what they needed and deserved from me. My goal now is to take care of me and my kids and hubby ...not in an unhealthy enabeling way but a healthy way. I think I was out for everyone elses approval by helping others....I only felt resentment (with some happiness to that too because I love helping others) but it is not worth it now. I am working on a list of things that I like to do for me. 1. Lighting candles 2. go to movies 3. organize my home 4. have some tea 5. yoga 6. make a new recipe ect........... I am just looking for more happiness in the simple things. I love that song that came out by Rianna Shine Bright like a diamond http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zs_lR6NXW94 I feel like I want to shine bright like a diamond. I am the one who has been standing in my way. Today my husband told me that he will support me in whatever I want to do and that I am the one who has been standing in my own way...he is right...I blamed him and yet I am the one who is fearful of enjoying life and shining brightly. WOW...talk about an awakening today! I also need to remember to not judge my insides to someone elses outsides. The grass isn't greener...they still have to water their lawn.
Yes, a lot of the time we stand in our own way without even realizing it. As for yoga, I love it. I taught yoga for a few years but I enjoy taking classes so much more because I get more relaxation out of it. I hope you make it a part of your weekly things you do for you. I am taking 2 restorative yoga classes a week and I play tennis on a team weekly too. They help me take my mind off my problems and out of my pity parties.
Hi Willowtree It is great to read your posts here, thank you so much, boy didn't that morning of self care do a good job - you do sound like a lovely ball of fun and I can just picture you walking on air after that yoga class! I read an article while back about The Victim Triangle - it describes so well how even saintly souls such as us can become quite demonic when we wear ourselves out! Hard to believe I know!! Vit supplements sound like a good idea, as does a cup of tea by candle light (I'm english so I would say that!) Take care and enjoy.
Expectations for me are such a huge part of resentments. I think it takes so much work to get to see others as they really are and to have reasonable expectations.
I gave until i almost dropped dead on so many levels. These days I am very careful how I give, what my expectations are and what my limits are.
I really did expect myself to be perfect on so many levels. The holidays are a very very hard time for so many of us. Giving ourselve space around so much work is very difficult.
I also thought that everyone else had a wonderful life and I did not. I have had to make a habit out of a gratitude list. Of course that is terribly difficult when you are full of resentment. I do have a practice of listing 3 things I am grateful for every day with a friend of mine. I think that is a really good habit to be in to get out of the comparison trap. After all would you compare someone who grew up in the ghetto with someone who grew up on Park Avenue.
Living with an alcoholic is an enormously difficult task. Toby Rice Drew who wrote the book Getting them Sober compares it to being a lion tamer at times. We are in a corner dealing with people who tramp all over our boundaries. Nowadays when someone tramps on my boundaries I know it. How I respond to it is a measured response but most of my life I absolutely over reacted.
I did not until I came to al anon, know how to set boundaries, keep them, set reasonable expectations, manage them and take care of myself.
None of this comes overnight. Personally I think having a wonderful loving, careful holiday takes tremendous personal work and does not come down the chimney like Santa. For those of us who are in dysfunctional relationships we have to be very very careful of looking at the Hallmark version and beating ourself to bits.
This is a new year. The opportunity to work on ourselves in Al anon is a gift rather than a grim expectation. Doing one thing a day to take care of ourselves is such a difficult thing to do when you are mired in people pleasing habits. Nowadays when people are rude (I worked retail at Christmas so yes I had plenty of that) I have to be very careful not to take it personally. Really it is a reflection on them rather than me. I also have to adjust my expectations. Working retail at Christmas is very tough, not a piece of cake. Surviving it without feeling like someone trod all over me is key. I also have had to learn that the store I work for doesn't exactly feel like it is something that should be valued or even commented on. That was a tough one.
Doing a tenth step every day is a very difficult step. For so many of us it can be a way not to be feel like we are perfect rather than be willing to be on a journey through personal growth. Wherever we are in the process it is a real gift rather than a race to be something that is air brushed, commercial and a reason to beat ourselves up.
