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Every year the ExA's dad gives the 2 kids $50 checks each. That "side" had their Xmas celebration a week before, on the 18th. So, that week, the ex called my 16yo and asked if he could "borrow" their xmas money to take them shopping to buy me a gift, and to shop and buy for each other. (I asked for new measuring cups and oven mitts)
He spent all their money. I know he kept like $20 for himself...that's the way he rolls. I don't know how he will pay them back, or if he will.
He has no income, hasn't worked in 2 1/2 years, and lives in his sister's basement.
Yet, he seems to have money for cigarettes, booze, and weapons. He sold his truck and bought an assault rifle ($1200).
GRRRRR. I will never understand his juvenile reasoning. Yes, he is "sick" but...he is also one selfish SOB.
I sooooo hear you. The bottom line is the best thing my STBAX has said to me .. he doesn't think like I do. I get caught up in my own spin when I expect him to think like me. The other thing I have had to REALLY go to this week/end is .. he's an alcoholic, he's an alcoholic, he's an alcoholic. It is exactly why he does what he does. The whole sick thing is just extra whipcream with the cherry on top. It IS not a get out of free jail card (it's usually why they end up in jail!). Yes, he's sick .. he is still responsible for the consequences of his choices.
I sooo hear you loud and clear sisiter-friend.
Sending you lots of love and support, hugs big big hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My A son managed to get his hands on a debit card for an acct that we keep just for my husbands meds and used it at the liquor store..........hubby gets a whopping $160/month from a little retirement acct and we put that away in this little acct so we always have the $ for RX when needed - never a big balance but ooooooh, so important when ya live from SS ck to the next!! Son knows full well what that money is for and why it is set aside from other funds.
An A knows no limits when their focus is on the next drink.
Sure relate to your post. Once my mother left my A father I only was allowed to see him a handful of times. Only once was he allowed to come to our home. And we had a nice visit and as he had a long drive back my mother allowed him to stay the night. He was perfectly sober the whole time. About an hour after he left the next day I found my piggy bank broken in my room, all the money gone of course (Thanks Dad!). Got zero sympathy from my mother who told me I should have expected that from my alcoholic father. I should have? I was 9yrs old hardly up on all the behaviors of the A. Well lesson learned for sure!
Guilt and Shame issues...hmmmm what sucky behavior to put upon the sholders of your own children. Is Alateen available in your area? If it is a good suggestion would be to get them into the groups. So they can do what we do...care and support each other. (((hugs)))
Without a doubt the ex a always found a way to ruin my Christmas. In so many ways that was a power he loved. He would enjoy having the power to make me upset and really relished that I was so obsessed with his behavior.
When I started detaching and stopped focusing on his behavior it was so key. Of course no one's detachment is 100%. I fell back so many times in resenting his obvious self absorption.
I also fell back into really wanting to change the way he behaved towards others. One minute he loved someone (they were his best friend) the next he hated them. That was his pattern. The only exceptions were his Mother (who dominated him) and one of his friends who he slavishly adored.
I put all the power for the holidays on the ex A I allowed him to destroy my carefully prepared meals. Really he didn't destroy them because learning to cook is a great thing and the meals came out perfectly he could not sabatage that. But I put the sole focus on what he did (he actually nodded out and fell asleep with his head on the table). I also resented that he did not get the right gifts. He was an electrician but he never considered once putting Christmas lights up. I put some up once and he laughed and ridiculed them. But if his Mother asked he ran over to help her decorate the tree. My whole self worth was wrapped up in what he did, what he did to others and how it affected me.
Getting to detachment was very very very hard. The last Christmas I spent with him I revised my expectations. I said little when he went off to his mothers, came back drunk and drugged out. I didn't expect him to do anything else. I made my own Christmas for me it wasn't perfect but it was a first.
When I left the ex A there was a long period of grief and anger for me. There was a lot of anger, what if's and more. I had to move through those. But most of all day in day out I worked on detaching from his absolue self destructive, obsessive, need to cause chaos and confusion.
