The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So tonight I finally got to my first f2f meeting in a few months. I have made every excuse in the book about why I cannot get to them. I knew I would be late because I had to pick up my daughter from practice first, but I allowed myself to do that and walk in late. I was only ten minutes late and I still made it. I tried to share but cried instead. The good part was that for the first time in a long time, this meeting was one I could feel connected to. It was smaller than I am used to, but the members had things to say that I could really wrap my head around. I will try to make it back to that one next week so maybe I can start connecting with someone and find a sponsor.
I am at a crossroads in my life in that I am meeting with my divorce lawyer this week. This is the third time I have threatened divorce and now I have the money in my pocket ready to file. I have so many doubts and I don't really want to do it, but I also can no longer live with the insanity. My daughter is begging me to go through with it. My parents, his grandma, and a handful of close friends are encouraging the divorce because they are tired of seeing all of this too, especially since its affecting the kids so much. I keep reading that if I have doubts I shouldn't go through with it, but I am so afraid of upsetting all the sane supportive people in my life only to be stuck back in the same old insane rut. The strong smart part of my brain is screaming at me to face reality and get out now. The sick part of me is begging me to stay and ignore the madness. I am addicted to Him and his disease.
Anyway, this meeting was a real wake up call for me. I thought I had at least the first 2 steps mastered, but really I have only been fooling myself. I have not admitted my powerlessness. In fact I have been trying to control every situation all along, even tonight I still believe that if I file for divorce it will make him seek treatment. I cannot even get past step 1 even after all this time. I am going to keep trying.
Thanks for being here for me.
Good job I am so glad that you permitted yourself to go in late to the meeting and get the support that is so crucial at this painful time in your life. This is not easy and that is why we all need the support of others who understand as few others can. be very gentle with yourself keep the focus on yourself, trust HP and know you are not alone.
I have been to a couple of f2f meetings where I could only sit there and cry, so I really was touched by what you wrote there. Good for you for getting to that meeting, I have also come up with every excuse under the sun of why I cannot go...again, what you wrote really resonated. Of course I do not know your personal story, but I know that I too ended up in a lawyer's office and knew I was not ready. Things in my marriage had gotten completely out of hand, but I still knew deep down I was not ready to go through with it. I do know that objective people on the outside can see things more clearly (maybe?) but in the end you have to make decisions based on what is best for you. My H and I have been working back toward each other ever since we got to this brink, so I would just add that going to meetings is so important, and listen to your gut, keep an open mind. I hope all works out as it should....hugs
I Know too what is like to make the excuses, and "pretend" I don't Need to make the Meeting, and for me sometimes it was that i was Struggling with something that Day and i Didn't want to admit it to myself... Al-Anon has Taught me how to face Myself and to stop looking for Others to fill the Many Voids in my Life...
I Grew up in an alcoholic family so I have a Very Big Sickness within me as well the A's I Deal with on a Daily/weekly basis... However I will add that those F2F Meetings... Well I"m a Firm believer that I walk in the Door the MOMENT I am suppose to wether I be Late, or Early...I Give those Moments to my HP and just ask to get me were I need to be WHEN I need to be there...And when I Leave, regardless of Topic there is always Some little Nugget that will stick with me, One line Sometimes that I Just Needed to Hear :)
I have been in Al-Anon just over 4 yrs, and I have to say... You are Not Alone on the steps... Sometimes I can Go 1..2..3.. and my day gets better, its the day I forget to work steps 1,2,3, that seem to get me in trouble... The Steps are there for us to work at OUR Pace, and for me sometimes I Jump around in my steps, for some they can charge right thru... it takes alot out of me somedays just "Admitting" I am Powerless... Then My HP Shows me that when I Sit, Listen, and Just Be instead of Diving in Head first and Taking Over... Life Gets Easier... Sometimes it takes time to balance Out, BUT.. I was Told a Million times... KEEP COMING BACK!! and I have to say, there isn't ONE time I Regret Ever Being in this program for the love, support & Strength that I recieve here & at my F2F Meetings is like Nothing I have ever known in my Life, and I am Truly Grateful to be Blessed by such amazing People... you Included :)
Take Care of You! and You will see your Miricle unfold ;)
