I want to share here today, for isolation is not good for me, and because sharing with some people in my life isn't always easy, and keeps them worrying, and sometimes they cannot understand the actual situation I am in, because they stand outside the madness. here in MIP I have been feeling safe since the beginning. Everybody here knows what I'm talking about ... I don't need to start anew... and my energy is quite low right now to do so ...

so where am I standing. I left my ABF exactly 2 weeks ago, or events were such anyway that I was pushed forward to leave him, even if my intentions from the start have been good. I used to love him. Today. after too much abuse and physical violence that has just been stopped on time, I feel SADNESS and FEAR. i don't know much about how we got there. I came to Al anon as soon as i found out he was in addiction with alcohol. First step of taking care of myself. I have learned so much since, about alcoholism, about family history, about myself and my emotions. 

Now Ex ABF has turned 'dry' supposedly, but turning to constant weed smoking every evening to deal with his sleepless nights he has had since he went 'dry'. So i learned this isn't 'dry'. He is also not joining a program for his recovery of the mind and dealing with his emotions is just a no-go for him. So he is irritated, over jealous if I cannot give him full attention, pushing me, criticizing me...and yes I let my guards down a lot , trying to defend myself a lot. It was only with more time that i learned to detach as much as possible, not to take the things he says personal, not to engage in arguments....and all the other tools I am actively learning with every new situation. 

But there are soooo many situations!!! even now, that I flew 10000 km to visit home, put some real distance and time between us, he is still haunting me and getting to me. Because I have days where I miss him, where I want the other kind part of him back. I guess I am mourning. and I find myself a lot going back to the good memories. And then I find myself chatting with him, when I know it will last only 10 minutes and he pushed my GUILT buttons again.

He is back in full DENIAL on his side, I'm trying to cut the cord, and then I find myself in moments when I want to retie them. it's madness ...Yes, I need to learn , yes I need help, yes I need to practice, yes I need support, yes i need to grow in strength...and with all that I need to do to keep my sanity, I hardly had the time to cry. I didn't cry, I want to cry, but I can't. It's over and I couldn't cry. I feel cold, I feel stubborn, even soemtimes I feel I am making a monster out of him. that all hasn't been that bad, even when i can still recall all the hard and ugly things he has said and done. He turns all my own reactions against me. He says HE is the one who is hurt, betrayed, by words, by actions. I know deep inside it is not true, and I have the right friends and family to remind me about facts about myself. thank God, because I would have believed this fake, lying mirror he is holding at me. But soemtimes I feel really sick and insane and the question comes up: 'what if I AM the one in denial, and not him??' he really got me screwed. he certainly is not ALL the bad person I am imagining. But he pushed me too far too many times. Today, and honestly there is not much left, I can only trust my stomach, and some lovely people in my life. and my growing selflove, but that one is very fragilke, because the day I started investing in selflove, that day he started calling me selfish.

I need much more Al Anon in 2013 and after that, I know, and I am not scared of that. But I am scared to be sucked back into this hurricane of emotions...it's devastating. I don't feel secure today. 

When does the fear go away??and the guilt?

yes, the sentence: 'what you think of me is none of my business' is what right to do....but why is it so hard? we were loving at some point!

thanks for letting me share a bit of struggle.

Good share Tortuga...great show of courage and commitment and the consequence to those and working the program can only be peace of mind and serenity.  If you do the self inventory steps you'll get to accept yourself for who you are and come to know what you will need to change in order to find that peace of mind and serenity.   You are still a loving person so keep practicing that.  The love you bring here and share with us is real...don't doubt it and know also that it is much much easier to share something with those who are willing to give back.  Your alcoholic isn't in that group of people so you don't get what you need in that area.  Just because you are self focusing doesn't mean you're not loving...I might mean that you're no longer enabling...which isn't love at all.  When does the fear go away.  For me my early program and sponsorship consistently urged me to let it go and turn it over to God.  There was nothing else I could do...I thought I had tried everything else but that and one night while I lay in bed trying to count the tiny holes in the ceiling of my bedroom with the lights out (yes it got that gooney for me) I realized that the reason I couldn't sleep was because I had almost always gone to sleep holding on to my alcoholic/addict wife and she was no longer there and so I asked my Highere Power to lay down next to me and hold me while I tried to sleep and I could feel HP's arms going around me and the closeness of HP's being and I went right to sleep.  In the morning I woke up completely free of fear...so much so that I thought of and started to recite those words Martin Luther Kings is famous for..."Free at last, Free at last...Thank God I'm free at last"!!  That is how it worked out for me and I have not felt fear of any kind since then.  Turn it over...Give it all to your HP and your HP will take it from you...don't grab it back...you don't want to do that.    Keep coming back here and thanks for the share.  ((((hugs))))