The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH has been sober for 5 months now; 3 months in rehab and home for the past 2 months. He is doing really well and is very active in his AA and NA meetings, he has been approached to be someone's sponsor and he is really enjoying helping people.
I have been working on my co-dependency and have really begun to feel like myself... someone I can barely remember if the truth be told! All in all we are making great progress and things are going well.
The problem I am having is being patient with his emotional immaturity. He was drinking from the age of 16 so he has a lot of catching up to do which I understand and am trying very hard to give him the room he needs to grow. He had to leave the family restaurant when he went to rehab, for obvious reasons, and he has the opportunity and assets to get a great new business off the ground but he just won't be proactive and do anything about it. He is waiting for me to take the lead and I have 3 small enterprises of my own to take care of (all new). A bit of history; his parents have always made things easy for him, he has never been pushed to fend for himself and as such does not really know how, nor does he seem to have the drive. Today I said to him that I was a bit worried that he was not interested in doing anything about the new business and he immediately translated it into me saying he was lazy and not doing anything. We spoke it through and he is still sulking with me. We are under a lot of strain financially and he just seems to be sitting and waiting for things to come to him, as he has done all his life. I understand that he has got 25 years of bad habits to undo and I am really trying to be supportive but I feel like I am about to snap which is not going to solve anything. He is at a meeting right now and I really hope he found some comfort there.
Meanwhile I am searching for it here... how am I going to keep my cool when he is unmotivated and a real difficult bugger to communicate with on an adult level?
The first fewyears of sobriety are difficult for each person. It is the time to pick up the alanon tools and use them every moment of every day. I used the small bookmark" Just for Today" like a Bible for years Reading alanon literature when I was confused helped and I would also rehearse the slogans over and over in my mind. I loved all of them but the ones that kept me centered and focused on myself and the day were:
The Serenity Prayer
Live and Let Live
Do Not Project
Keep the Focus on Yourself
How important is it
Let Go and let GOD
Strive for Progress not Perfection and Keep Coming back Try the on lline meetings here They help
Maybe if you put it like this: "I really need some help with the new business." This might go over better than "I am worried..." about something he is doing or not doing. There is nothing wrong with asking for his helping you do something. Just a thought. And sometimes we have dealt with the alcoholic and their behaivors when they are drinking that when they get into a program and start to get sober we start not liking them. It is not only a change for him but for you as well.
Thanks Hotrod, I have drifted from the principles and it shows!
hdftby100 I hear what you are saying and believe me, every serious conversation we have is difficult because I have to word things in a way that doesn't offend his sensitive ego. He is back in victim/child mode and things are tricky. Unfortunately these conversations have to take place because we need to earn money to live. I cannot keep on doing everything for him; he needs to man up and do things for himself too. He has to learn new behaviours and I am just confused as to where my supportive role ends and me seeming to do everything begins. It is hard.
