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I have been a grateful member here for over 2 years. In the past 18 months, during which my AH's drinking has escalated steadily, I have slowly worked toward detaching from his behavior. I have been feeling more and more like I am ready to leave him.
One of the reasons I have been able to detach is that he works nights, so we rarely see each other. His factory was closed for ten days over Christmas/New Year's, so we were around each other much, much more than usual. I knew it would be difficult, but it was truly awful in so many ways. And now, I feel like my perspective has changed. I have gone from feeling ready to leave him, to feeling like there is just no hope our marriage can be saved. Before, even as I came to accept more and more that I could leave, I still had hope that there was a possibility we could save the marriage. But now, I can't imagine a single set of circumstances that would save this marriage. It wouldn't matter if he chose recovery. It wouldn't matter if he apologized for every awful thing he has said and done. Nothing can save this marriage now, in my eyes.
Because I'm trying hard to hang in there until he gets another DUI, or my alimony obligation to my ex-H runs out in a year (whichever comes first), I find myself struggling with the change from detaching from his drinking to preserve my serenity, to finding ways to heal from a broken heart while still living with him. It's pretty hard. I am, for the most part, sleeping in my daughters' bedroom during the week when they are with their dad. That is helping a little. Hopefully I'll feel better and more positive about things during the week, when we finally get back in our normal routine. The holidays have been tough, spending so much time with my AH, and it is my first holiday season without my mom. I enjoyed myself in many ways, but I'm also very glad they are over.
I can't imagine how hard it is to continue to live with someone when you are just so emotionally spent. To feel trapped in closed spaces is probably even worse, I go back to thinking about the posts you have shared about the verbal vomit that comes out of his mouth. The one thing that my STBAX did for me even though he probably doesn't know it is he moved out. Those feelings of just being done, knowing that the marriage for me was dead, I couldn't/can't live with someone who is so emotionally, mentally cruel and continue to believe they would change. Now maybe he will and that's great. I do pray for him so he can be a dad to his children and I mean a real dad. I just don't see that happening. Never say never on that issue, I'm not his HP and whatever his HP's plans are for him are none of my business. My ideas for a relationship are gone. I can't even imagine being his friend right now. The best thing I can do is pray for us in terms of someday finding a place where we can at least hold a civil conversation without me thinking "You are such a sick SOB." I would settle for "You are such a sick person" at this point and feel I had come a long ways.
The bridge has got water over it, under it and some how got burnt up and down there is just no bridge at this point to speak of and it's going to take time for me to heal. I encourage you to continue to take care of yourself. Continue to keep the focus on you, continue to know what you want and don't want, .. more importantly remember you are worth it .. always.
Sending lots of love and support, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hugs, Steph. While my AH saves his verbal vomit for our marriage counseling sessions and is relatively pleasant at home, I too wait for the shoe to drop(so to speak). The next run in with the law, maybe a job loss, or some other behavioral incident. I don't know why I wait, maybe I'm hopeful like you that he can change and that I can just hang in there long enough to find my serenity and peace. Yet, the longer I stay the more I realize that my serenity and peace won't come until he is either a changed a man or out of my life. I can't live with his ups and downs anymore. Living with the silent treatment gets old, too. He is going to see a counselor about his anger issues, but he still won't deal with the drinking which is now threatening a 12 year career for him at a great company where he has a 401K AND a pension(unheard of in this day and age). He's risking so much, and yet I'm still here.
So, I totally understand why you stay. You're waiting and for you right now maybe that's what needs to happen. I suggest coming up with plan A and then plan B and figure out what you would really do if things go to heck in a handbasket quickly. That's pretty much what I'm doing. I still have hope, I don't know why even when I feel nothing for him after all the things he's said to me. Dang my eternal optimism. Also, for me, I am learning that I need to address my anger, finding ways to turn my anger over to HP but also finding ways to let it be a constructive feeling where I can motivate myself to take care of me, does that make sense? I also started a gratitude journal and that helps me put things into perspective.
I know what really helped me when I was in this place was to make a plan be. What did I need and what was going to be the process if I did leave. All the focus on the now ex A evaporated. At that time he was partying 24/7 had people living in our house and had his annoying behavior turned up to the max. I feel like the process of making a plan be meant I could detach from the relationship rather than be in the stir crazy part of when should I leave and then to beat myself up for not doing it.
Of course the holidays are very very difficult. I think there is no time worse for dealing with a substance abuser. My parents and sisters spent the entire holiday completely drunk. They looked forward to that all year. Needless to say Christmas was always a time I dreaded.
I did find the less I saw of the ex A the better it was for me. And that was the exact opposite of how I felt before. I always wanted him to be in sight or sound of me so I did not have to anticipate what was next. Needless to say the ex A was very very happy about my detachment but then he became really upset that I didn't have the same obsession with him.
I think having reasonable expectations of what it will be to leave him will be so key for you. For a long long time I had a really hard time of dealing with the financial aspects of it. I wish I had time to look for better work and more time to plan the exit but I did not.
