The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm hoping I can gain some insight through this community. I have yet to attend a face-to-face AlAnon meeting, but will definitely be looking into meetings. I have never posted on this sort of site and am feeling rather embarrased to share my long story.
I had been with my boyfriend for six years, 2 1/2 of which were long distance. During our distance relationship I began to realize that my partner would abuse alcohol and other drugs. When we again lived in the same location, I discovered (angrily) that he would drink and drive. After serious conversations with ultimatums made by myself, my boyfriend found a therapist who specialized in addiction. He saw the therapist regularly and, of his own accord, decided to abstain from alcohol.
My partner continued with the therapist and abstinence for 2 years. We moved in together during this time and his behavior began to dramatically change. While at first I thought we were struggling with typical issues related to adapting to our new living circumstances, his behavior grew more extreme and he eventually became verbally and emotionally abusive. I tried everything; I tried nothing. It couldn't be helped.
While this likely comes as no surprise to this community, my partner had been continuing to drink excessively although completely in secret. He did not divulge this to me until after he checked himself into the hospital for detox. I felt every emotion under the sun during this time, and two weeks later he walked out on me. This was completely devastating to me and I have been readjusting over the past year to the idea that I will never marry the person who I thought I would grow old with.
Since then, my former partner has lived on his own, and has completed an outpatient AA program. During rehab he was extremely resentful and angry with me. Today, he meets with his sponsor regularly and attends various mens groups. He is kind and respectful towards me again. I have been focusing on myself during this time: seeing a therapist, finishing school, trying to find my happiness again. I've felt myself gaining strength and perspective, and have even met with my old partner for coffee in amicable, enjoyable ways since he's finished AA.
Here's the deal: I'm nearly 30 and know that I want to build a healthy, loving family with someone. My partner seems to still care for me but I only sense this through the way he acts around me. He has in no way held himself accountable or addressed any of the extreme emotional pain I have endured, and the ways his abusive behavior contributed to it. While he has told me that he realizes all that he left behind, there has been no emotional accountability, let alone acknowledgment. He has apparently been sober for a year. I have no desire to rekindle a relationship without such acknowledgement, and even then, I would want to go to therapy together to see if I can really accept this person, as he is (however he is) back into my life, knowing what I hope to have in the future.
I know he may not have the skills required to initiate any conversation about his behavior and that alcoholism may have been masking this deficit for years. While I will not wait for him, I am curious if anyone in this community has any insight as to whether these types of emotional changes can really occur for people who struggle with addiction.
Given my circumstances, I'm torn between focusing on myself and some form of loving detachment from my old partner, and wanting to keep an eye open as to whether I can ever know if he's able to be the type of partner and father that I would want for myself and family. He has shared, on his own, that he wants to be a father and husband.
I can't believe I wrote so much here! Apologies for the length; any and all perspectives more than welcome. I would be so, so grateful.
Aloha Lilies, welcome to the board. You find alot of unconditional love and support and alot of Experience, Strength and Hope from this fellowship; most of whom have worn your shoes and been in that place also. What we first have learned is getting to the face to face meeting rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups. The hotline number is in the white pages of your local telephone book. Call that number and find out where and when we get together in your area and then come quickly. Your situation is one of your own creation...that is one of the things I needed to hear and learn when I got into the fellowship. I am from the disease of addiction and the people I surrounded myself with were drinkers and users...I did that myself. I had to come to understand that without a lot of new awarenesses I would not change how I ran my life which included multiple relationships with alcoholic/addict women who I dated and married. I have a "fixer" mentality and that is what I have to guard against even more than my compulsion for sick women. When I stop fixing...which takes real time awareness and work my life goes real good. "My problem is me and my only solution is God" is one of the truths a recovering AA woman gave me long ago. I'm grateful for that.
Alcoholism is an incurable disease...it can only be arrested by total abstinence and after that the alcoholic goes after all the other problems that come with it...mind, body, spirit and emotions. There is no such thing as a cured or graduated alcoholic. This is lifetime recovery and the other two choices are insanity and/or death. The odds are against any alcoholic that isn't working a program of recovery.
Good to have you here....Keep coming back (((hugs)))
Welcome to MIP I too am glad you found us. Not much more can be added to what Jerry has shared.
Alanon is a fellowship of people who live or have lived with the disease of alcoholism. We break the isolation caused by this disease by attending face to face meetings in our communities and by learning new tools to live by Most importantly we learn too keep the focus on ourselves, live one day at a time and to ACT and NOT REACT
