The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
About 6 months ago I started dating a guy that I had met off of an online dating site. We really hit it off and have had an amazing connection ever since. When I met him he was only about a month and a half sober. He wasn't ready to get into a relationship but for some reason, we still kept seeing each other. Well he decided that he needed a break to focus on himself... he really was seeing another girl much younger than him, which I did not find out about until much later on. Our break lasted about a month and a half or so and then we started talking more and hanging out more. At the time he had moved out of where he was living and moved into somewhat of a halfway house. He was at a plateau with his job so he couldn't afford where he was living and needed somewhere else to stay. Me, being the nice person that I am and having the kind of feelings for him that I did, I offered to let him come stay with me. At first it was only for a weekend and then was probably not going to be for more than a week... that was in September and he is still living with me. We have since made our relationship official and things are getting serious. I do have a 4 year old daughter so that makes things a little bit more complicated. He is almost 8 months sober and I am very proud of him. It seems like this storybook relationship that I have always wanted and he is so different from anyone that I have ever dated and makes me feel things and feel a way that I never have. When we were on our break, I didn't think that he was going to end up coming back to me and I tried to move on and date but no one was him. For me, it's always been him. Right now I have a few things going on in my life and I get stressed and emotional and that's hard for him to handle at times and we get into arguments. And when we do, he starts cursing up a storm and gets disrespectful and says some mean and hurtful things. It hurts me and of course I still love him and we make up before the night is over but is it part of his character defects or because he is an alcoholic in recovery? I will be honest, I do have a hard time getting over things that have happened between us in the past ex. him cheating on me and dating a girl almost half his age. And it makes it hard for me to trust him completely... I just need some advice.
Aloha Steph, and welcome to the board...I've got a couple of suggestions?
Try reading your post as if you were someone else and see what you come up with as a perspective of the person who wrote it. Another suggestion I have is to learn as much about alcoholism as you can in a short period of time and you can get alot of information at the face to face meeting groups of Al-Anon which is for the family, friends and associates of those affected by someone elses drinking. You can find the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book. A person with shortime in AA isn't ever cured or healed or put back together. He isn't doing it for you...he has to do it for himself inspite of you or he's done...insane or dead; cause alcoholism is a fatal disease and it takes out the drinker and those around the drinker who feel the need to hang on.
I was born and raised in the disease and I've been married to two alcoholics and or addict with numerous relationships inbetween with the same. Why...I do what comes naturally and today with the help of Al-Anon I'm just outside of the zone of active alcoholism and the insanity of it. I can tell you alot about "them" and the awful and crazy and totally unacceptable things they do...however what will help you is for me to tell you how I stopped all those things inside of and for myself.
Getting hooked up with an alcoholic out of recovery or in...isn't a good idea without getting help for yourself...the survival rate for the persons and the relationships are very slim. Even normal people get angry and out of control and with alcoholics the level goes much higher in instensity. Go get the hotline number and keep coming back here and reading alot of earlier posts for clues and help.
I echo what Jerry has shared and something I really want to say to you is this .. are you the leftovers or are you the entre?
The reason I ask is I could have written your post based upon the hot and the cold of my relationship especially in the beginning. I was the one who was pursuing, I was the one who wanted the relationship, and I was the one who allowed unacceptable behavior. It is never ok for someone to get angry and be verbally abusive. It is not ok to lie while in a relationship.
I do challenge you to think about why you want to be in this relationship and what are you really getting out of it. Not saying stay or leave, .. just where is your own selfesteem level at in terms of why this relationship. There are a few good books that come to mind. Getting Them Sober has lots of great tools for learning how to deal with an active and/or recovering alcoholic. CoDependent No More, Melody Beattie.
Hugs and hope you will keep coming back, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
(((Steph))) i understand exactly what you are talking about. I was where you are right now, exactly, and not so much time ago. I am still moving a little bit unsure of it all...lets say, today I am back to following where my stomach tells me to go. I had that relationship, loving, exclusive, romantic....so intense in the good.......and then came the bad....after a couple of months. MY EX ABF is 'dry', or tries to be, but has relapses when tension raises, and replaced his drug of choice, alcohol has become weed, lots of. shutting down the feelings, drowning in self-pity and making me his personal devil in his life. Even now that I walked away, or still trying to walk....(because i feel the distance need to be a very big one, because he desperatly tries to get me back in, and I'm co-dependent, and so I struggle not hearing his call), he starts with sweet talk, and after 5 sentences he is back into judging, belitteling me, actually not taking me serious and ignoring the boundaries that i want to set for myself. If he loves you, he will accept your boundaries. If he is just there for his own garbage-frop-off, he will not accept your boundaries and struggle in many ways to tear them down. Yes, get help for yourself, read a lot, learn a lot, share a lot....and set boundaries and see what happens, You will know. We are all here to keep the strength, gain more courage, stand up straight and trust again..in our own gut! It's good to have you here.keep coming back.
Time and experience with this man will show you the direction of the relationship. You haven't mentioned being in Alanon. Working the program and a good sponsor to call can really help for find answers within yourself. Both help me at times when I'm stressed and emotional. Your recovering abf's has his own program to work and his own issues of being newly sober. All of his feelings that were numbed out due to alcohol are out in the open now. When alcoholics don't want to feel something uncomforable they drink. That bandaid isn't there for him any longer now that he's chosen to get sober. He has to feel, deal and heal without booze. He may be giving you all he's capable of giving right now in early sobriety or you may find he isn't ever going to give you more than this. Thanks for sharing. Hope you keep coming back to keep recovering with us. Hugs TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
