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Since my AH has been going to AA and has been sober for 4weeks now, he is starting to do more around the house and thinks everyone else should too. Today he flipped his lid when he was trying to move a chair from the basement to the upstairs. While he was in the basement my younger son was down there playing a video game. My AH stated under his breathe, maybe my younger son could help him (keep in mind he was engrossed in a game and didn't hear it) so as he was trying to bring the chair up the stairs he couldn't do it let it fall from the top of the stairs and stood in the hallway, flexed his muscles and decided our two boys are ungreatful. When he was a kid he always helped his Dad...yada yada yada. He is now off at a meeting and I am mad at myself because I can't say what I really want to.. Like, when you were drinking they stayed out of your way to avoid conflicts, this is how they dealt with your behavior...you can't change over night and either can they. Why am I filled with rage right now? I feel like taking the stupid chair and ripp it in a thousand pieces...he is at a meeting right now, so at least I can have some peace for an hour and a half...
Perhaps you could say hes overreacting a bit and I tihnk the meeting will do him good. Im a double dipper and can see both sides, itll pass. Just some somewhat normal bumps in the road. We dont always see things clearly and both of you are just beginning recovery. Dont let it become bigger than it really is.
Thanks..my mom used to say don't make a mountain out of a mole hill...but when you start saying my kids are ungreatful and don't care...it gets my blood boiling.
I understand. My AH once said that he didn't care about our son's emotions and started ragging on him and it was all I could do to not start screaming and yelling(which is totally out of character for me). I have used the Al Anon saying, "How important is it?" to remind myself that some things just aren't worth arguing over. You're still going to be arguing with a sick alcoholic, even if he's been sober a while. My AH was dry for 15 years but never worked any kind of program, he was the classic dry drunk and I never knew all those years that it was really his alcoholism that caused so many of the problems we were having.
Depending on your relationship, can you talk to him later in the week about it and just tell him how you felt about the incident? I know that my AH doesn't take constructive criticism or any criticism very well so I have to pick my battles wisely and many times it means I don't say much at all. Every person is different and only you know what he can or can't handle if it comes from you in love and compassion and honesty.
I think its too early to expect much- his meetings and working his program and you working yours will eventually make things better. I say in meetings all the time- It wont change situations, it will change how you SEE the situations. We will never be perfect. Otherwise there would be no need for a 10th step, nor the need to continuously work the program. We are sick people trying to get better. We will never fully recover, no matter how long weve been around. We only get a daily reprieve. Forgive and pray.... Im sure its better than it used to be. And keep coming back :)
It's frustrating when they're sober and yet they're still thinking like insane people. Yet they don't have any practice or know-how about how to be sane.
I've found it's also fruitless to discuss something with someone when they're mad. Anger is almost like being drunk for that.
I think if I were in that situation, I'd wait until later when he had calmed down a little and then say, calmly, "I think you were hard on [Son] earlier. You know, he's just trying to lie low because he thinks staying out of people's way will keep him safest." And then H will probably say something like, "Yeah, but he should have known... he's so ungrateful ... I can't believe ..." etc. etc. And I'd stay calm and say something like, "Let's try making our expectations very clear beforehand. I find that's what gets the best results." Then H would rant some more. But at least I'd gotten my point across clearly and calmly. Then it's there for him to hear. I think that's all we can do.
Thanks for the replies. I see how having a sponsor for myself could have benefitted greatly today, but I am new and don't have one yet. My husband came home I just let it go...at the moment I did think it was important, but after I cooled off I realized we both are trying to do what we can. He will flip out and so will I. I went in defense mood when he started calling the children ungreatful. He came home from his meeting and after a while he said," I'm sorry, I just need to learn to communicate better." Baby steps for both us. Can't believe how I was so enraged. I guess I was just simply upset that he couldn't express himself without trying to hurt our family.
I can really relate to your post. I only started going to Al-Anon after my AH got sober--I think that was because it was even harder for me to accept the alcoholic behavior when he was no longer drinking. I guess I knew what to expect when he was actively drinking, but after he stopped, I thought shouldn't this crazy behavior be over now? My AH also had many ideas about how everyone else, especially the kids, should think, feel and behave after he got sober. We couldn't do anything right for a really long time! ha,ha! I was often filled with resentment and rage. I couldn't handle his bad behavior toward the kids especially. I know now, I was expecting too much too soon.
Luckily, I kept reading here and going to meetings. I had a place where I could say what I was feeling--and others understood. For some reason, it kept being brought to my attention that for a lot of recovering alcoholics, it really takes a couple of years of working a good AA program before the really substantial changes start happening. After about 18 months of AH being sober, I wasn't sure I wanted to stick it out any longer. I was actually in a really good place--I had been working really hard learning all I could about my own issues, I had a complete shift in thinking about what was important to me and for my serenity. I was peaceful, and I no longer wanted to live with the chaos but at least it wasn't running my life anymore. I was learning new ways to act--not react--to his behavior. Shortly after that, at about 1 year and 11 months sober for AH, HP decided to flip on another light switch for him. He came home one day and told me he realized that whatever problem he might be having in his life, he realized it was just that--his problem--no one else's and that only he was in control of finding a solution to it without spreading it to everyone around him. Since then, he has been a very different person to live with. Dare I say, pleasant, happy, peaceful-for the most part?
The last 2 years have been a huge lesson for me in trusting in HP--his time, not mine. AH's journey is his with his HP--not mine. When I can remember that, I can have love and compassion for myself as well as AH. HP has given me this program and all of these people who understand to help me along the way, as long as I choose to accept these gifts. Keep coming back--posting, reading, going to meetings. It has not yet failed to amaze me the wisdom that is available here.
I think alcoholics are masters at doing things to needle us. For me the trigger points are many and I had to get to a point to own the trigger and not reflect on the person.
Boundaries for me are so key. I want everyone to be happy, to give away my every belonging and to spend all day taking care of everyone. After a few years in al anon I got to a place where I realised this made me sick with resentment.
I also learned as a child to be hyper aware of others. Some of that was a survival mechanism but that is what I had to unlearn. I had to work really hard on not making what they did the center of my life. Rather to focus on what I was doing.
Whatever your husband did with the chair and his words to your sons (which were unkind) the issue is you do not have to go off like a firework. The propensity for me to go off like a firework are less and less but it is still there. I have to moderate it all the time. Is this reaction appropriate? Is this good for me to speak out against? Some things are and some things are not. Boundaries are everything to me. I needed to know where I ended and other people began.
I think the book Getting them Sober can really help with expectations. I do not know anyone better than Toby Rice Drew to explain that newly sober people are not necessarily the life of the party. I also know that my expectations were always way way way off with any kind of person. I really wanted people to mother, father and be the be-all and end-all for me. I had to learn to give that to myself rather than to keep seething in resentment when those I gave till I dropped dead (I have done that believe it or not) and who acted like they were clueless I even existed.
