The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am very lonely tonight but really need to stop this pity party inside my head. Seeing happy families tonight has really hit me hard. I know in my sane mind that I am making the right decision to get off this crazy train, but I still have very sad moments where I wonder if it could ever go back to being good. I know that I shouldn't listen to others but everyone keeps telling me that I am so overdue in making this decision. I keep thinking maybe an intervention will work but everyone else says it won't. I just need to go out knowing that I tried absolutely everything. An intervention is all that is left that I haven't tried. As I sit here he is wasted and yelling at me because I told the kids they could spend the night at a friends and I didn't ask his permission. Like I am soon incapable of making good choices. He has been horizontal on the couch for four straight days. I don't blame the kids for asking to leave!
I know I sound crazy for doubting myself. I know this needs to end. I just worry that I am going to feel so lonely when he's gone...I guess it's just my addiction to him.
Thanks again for letting me ramble.
{{Hugs.}} I used to worry about the loneliness as if the loneliness was going to kill me. Truth be told, I was lonely in the relationship too. Who would not be in a relationship like that? I think what kept me was also the fantasy that things would someday get better. Looking back, I see how really unrealistic this fantasy was. But it was hard to give up the fantasy. It was hard to acknowledge to myself that I'd sacrificed a lot in pursuit of this fantasy. I wanted all my sacrifices to pay off and make all my suffering worthwhile.
The truth is that the peace of mind I have after separating from my A is priceless. It's not that I'm never lonely. It's that I don't spend my days roiling with anger, resentment, worry, fear, and dread. I had become so used to them that it's like I forgot life could be different. I'd still love to have what I dreamed of. But I never again want to have what I had in that drunken nightmare.
Have you read any books from Melody Beattie, they are helpful during these times, so was "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. I had several mini interventions and none helped because he wasn't ready and well I wasn't God almighty. I hope you can get to some meetings and read some al-anon literature. Sendig you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Imom: for what it is worth, it seems that leaving a relationship before you know you are ready is something like the A quitting the booze without working the program or being ready? I just know that the changes you make for you will give you strength no matter what. For me--and I'm guessing many of us? control is such a big issue, and I struggle most days with the idea that there is NOTHING I do or say that will actually have an impact on what happens next! What a kick!
As an aside, as I attempt to look inward and work on me, I have noticed when I am not pushing the conversations (willfully manipulating) there have been many positive moments with my AH being much more forthcoming. Again I truly do not mean I am doing this in ORDER to see certain 'results' from AH (I have been down that ridiculous road!) but that when I am dealing with my own self and not putting stuff out there toward the AH we have had a more peaceful existence.
All that being said I need to get to face to face meetings! And I apologize if this post was bit of a ramble...it seems my mind is set on 'stream of conciousness' mode these days!
Mattie--you nailed it! Being lonely while in a marriage is the loneliest lonely of all. I have been on my own for 3 years and feel the same way you do...I have a full, busy life...and have embraced new learning experiences..it IS very hard to make the decision, but once made, I never looked back....
