The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Dusting my Al-Anon hat off and finding I'm just a bit rusty! Making a long story short, my husband has been in recovery seven years in - three years out - eight years in - one night out - more than a year in and as of January 2nd - "Almost" out.
By the time I realized he was back to all his using behaviors, he had almost lost it and was looking for his drug of choice. In essence, it's like dealing with a newbie in recovery all over again. In the meantime the 19 year old (his son) was allowed to move back in despite the fact that he's using. He's functional enough, and part of his M.O. is being a teenager along with the using behaviors and I'm sure some of you will know where I'm going with that!
So, I'm a lone woman living with two user mentality A type guys and would like to hear some stories about boundaries you've all had to set, not so much about the using itself - but about the using behaviors (selfishness, irritability, etc...) while I work on getting my head back in the game.
The boundaries are always specific to you and what you can put up with and what you can't. This is probably different for you than other people so nobody really has the answer for you but you.
I tried boundaries but failed at it. My AH was a true addict and had been abused as a child and knows no boundaries. After divorcing, it's even worse! I guess what you need to do is start with simple, meaningful ones - whatever those are for you - and see if they will stick. I wish I had a better tale to tell and I hope that you find success in setting boundaries for you.
Alanon meetings may bring more insights as you listen to other members share. You may hear something you can apply in your own situation. My experience has been that I feel less alone after in person contact with others in my program. Meeting and my sponsor continue to be a really great outlet for ME time. Both offer useful tools for separating myself from insanity. Of course there's reaching out to my higher power as well and asking for guidance.
It sounds like you could potentially have a double dose of trouble at your house. The "child" in the house is not your own child and additionally is a substance abuser of a current substance abuser. I'm not living in your situation but after reading your post these are questions I would likely have. Who is in my corner? How do I practice detachment from this unacceptable behavior? What are the most important boundaries I want to have in place. What are some Alanon tools I can use for keeping them in place? What am I going to do to I stay true to myself? I think it's great you've decided to come back to Alanon.
Thanks for being here and sharing. Keep coming back. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I'm new to this but so far I've learned that my boundaries are about protecting me. For example, Dont want my 19yo in the house when he's been drinking. Not to punish him but to protect me from his volatile and at times abusive behaviour. This is my most important boundary. I don't think I've got any other boundaries yet. I'm learning to detach from the molehill well I think they are molehill, still a little confused on this topic.
Boundaries were the one thing that was very difficult to wrap my head around in this program. My son is an addict, was living at home and it felt like my boundaries were more of a punishment to him than a help to me. And he walked all over them anyway because I let him. Even when he was sober his behavior was just the same. Why? Because he wasn't working his program. If an A gives up their drug/drink of choice without working a recovery program they will continue to display the same behaviors as they did when using. The program is meant to help them learn new healthy behaviors and coping skills. Should they choose not to participate then you have the same behaviors on your hands. When I finally realized that just putting a roof over my son's head was enabling him. We made the decision to put him out of the house. He had no job, no money. Everything he had he could fit in a backpack. And yet we had to let him go. The only thing i keep up with is his cell phone so he could call in case of emergency. Well for an addict everything is an emergency. He called constantly to tell us how miserable he was, how cold and hungry he was. He refused to go to a shelter. We learned not to answer the phone everytime he called. And as much as he was in pain so were we. But we knew if we caved again then we were right back where we started. It's a terrible feeling to put your child out knowing that anything can happen, I had to trust my Higher Power to watch over him. But in the end our decision was made because my husband and I are both disabled and have to take very good care of oursleves if we want to stick around for a good long time. If we let our son stay, with all the stress addiction brings into our home there was no way we would ever going to put ourselves first. It was truly a matter of survival. Today he sits in jail (not his first trip there) and for the first time he is asking for books on different faiths and spirituality. This is the first time he has even come close to trying to believe their may be a Higher Power out there for him. I don't get my hopes up that this is his bottom, I just take it day by day. I wish you all the best Blessings
Xeon, I really feel your pain but that is the same path I will be walking down. I think it's important to know his hp has a path for him too. He will learn all the lessons we stopped them from learning. Your boundary removing him from your home, is a way to protect your family becuse he will get to really feel his consequences and you have given him back his dignity. You have done a good, loving thing.
Aloha Tennin and welcome back to the board and this is such a great topic and the responses you are getting are so right on. The experiences are what mobilized me when I got into recovery because my simplistic thinking got it right, "If I practice what they are practicing my outcomes will be different than what I am get now". for once I had a proper thought. Boundaries for me work mostly for the consequences I want and need in my life...absolutely no one drinks in and on my property...said with love and respect...is just one of them. No one drinking here is the boundary I set toward others and love and respect is the boundary I have for myself. That for the ESH everyone. ((((hugs))))
Hi I'm new so I'm not skilled with Al Anon practices, but since my AH did just get out of a stint in detox, the talks and paper handouts etc. on this is topic are fresh in my mind. Even though he is now working the AA program, when he got out of the hospital I declared authoritatively that I will not allow a gun in the house, if he has a "psychotic episode" I am allowed to breathalyze him with a home tester, and he is no longer allowed to cook with alcohol, "taste" my drink, use OTC meds with alcohol, etc. Of course I have not yet had to confront him crossing any of these boundaries, but setting them did make me feel more empowered. If I'd made any of these "rules" pre-relapse, he would have opposed them and demonized me, I'm sure. Good luck!
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"my country is the world, and my religion is to do good" (Thomas Paine)
I recently dusted off my al-anon hat as well, going to f2f mtgs as well as reading as much as I can on MIP. I also need to hear more about how others set boundaries, and how to handle situations where you failed to follow through on a boundary, reset a new one or adjusted to the situation (progress not perfection).
I am grateful for Al-Anon for helping me keep the focus on me, and the things I can change (me).
Well, I started out with simple boundaries and I was totally not prepared for the level of hate my husband would focus on me. Mind you, these boundaries were of the simplest variety such as "Please rinse the dishes off after you've used them because dried on food is too hard to have to scrub off". The using boundaries were not revisited as he is well aware of those. His his son isn't supposed to be here if he is using, but my husband is as sick in his codependency as he currently is with his using behaviors, so this is just not a pretty circus to be in at the present moment.
I calmly suggested that if he (My husband) had a problem with what I've laid out to please discuss them with his sponsor (His sponsor is aware of his lapsing into old behaviors and sat him down about it last week). That didn't go over well either, but I was able to keep myself from engaging with his poor behavior.
I did text him later and told him that I am committed to keeping a functional and stable home for all of us and I hope he will come to understand that when he feels better. I did get an email from him, totally unrelated, but shows me he isn't going to remain completely on the warpath with me or he wouldn't have bothered.
Anyway - WOW!!! I really did not remember how crazy and hurtful things could get. If nothing else this is a great reminder. I really appreciate the warmth and support of you all here though and if I could hug you through the computer, you can consider yourself hugged :)
Yeah, it's especially tough when you choose to do the "next right thing" and it doesn't go over as you expect. The challenge is to KEEP doing what you know is right, regardless of the other person's behavior. Good luck! Keep coming back.
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"my country is the world, and my religion is to do good" (Thomas Paine)
