The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
20 years this April. Can't even remember when life was 'normal'. Six years into our relationship, we adopted our son. That was what 'should come next' right? All downhill from there. I thought it was all about being new parents, but 4 years later the truth showed itself. By that time, I'd been out of the working world so long, I'd lost my business status and had become a 'stay at home mom', nothing more...Now it's 10 years later, and I'm still stuck in upper-middle-class suburbia with a 14 yr old son who wants nothing to do with me and a partner whom I can't trust, but is the main bread-winner of the family. I can't leave my son with my partner, but I can't support him and me by myself, even in a 1-bedroom apartment. My partner is driving drunk again, after having an interlock removed from the car after a year. I feel like such a schmuck when after 4 days of sobriety, I fall back into an easy rhythm with the sober person with whom I fell in love 20 years ago. I feel so betrayed, unloved, used, spent. I wish I could just die and let them work out their lives themselves. When I've been to meetings, I just don't feel like I can connect with anyone, so I just give up. Over the years, I can count on one hand how many meetings I've been to. I try to think of what I might do for 'me', should I not have to take care of them anymore...but anything I think of just seem trivial...and certainly not income producing. I'm stuck in 'heaven' and hating every second of it. What can I do?
Hello, I'm new here too on the forum although I have attended f2f meetings for over two years now regularly. I would say keep going back even if don't get it. I have heard sometimes it can take a long time. Phone calls in-between meetings (which I struggle with) and asking for a sponsor (which I also struggle with) and daily readings which I can try and do. I have been married 28 years and my AH is just over 2 years soberb which I am grateful for. I too was a full time mum for many years, I did go back to education and got a decent job for 10 years but with the governments cuts I no longer do this job and feel in the full time mum/housewife position again, (can't say full time mum anymore kids are adults and have moved out.) I have heard about responsibility in the meetings towards children, under 18, and setting boundaries with consequences for behaviour. I do work now as an office administrator for my husband he has set up a new business.
I get the feeling that the way you say I lost my business status that you had a decent position/career. I get the feeling that all the related skills and inspirations are still within you buried deep down or maybe masked by alcoholism. A stay at home mum has many, many skills and qualities. Organisational, caring, diplomatic, sociable, encouraging, supportive, practical etc etc. I went on a course for adult returnees to education which helped me recognise and value those skills. It was amazing all the jobs and things I had to consider /think about compared to those without kids.
The things you think of seem trivial I know that feeling, I have heard keep it in the moment, I have also heard about focus. No matter how trivial try to focus on the idea and take some form of action even if very little. Progression not perfection is what I have heard too. This is reminder to myself also. I find it hard to focus on something that would have very little return, like for example selling a dress on eBay. Tiny steps are ok, I have heard a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.
Hope this helps.
I do understand exactly how you feel and have been there. I walked out of alanon room many years ago as I could not relate. I knew all the answers and these ideas were not for me. I tried everything; new job, new therapy, Church and NOTHING worked. I ended up back at alanon because I had no where else to go.
I was filled with so much anger, resentment, self pity and fear that I could barely function. I was desperate so I decided to sit in the meetings, listen and leave after. The slogan "Listen and Learn" and "Take What you like and leave the rest" resonated for me. I attended meetings, used the very powerful slogans each day Like: Focus on yourself Live one day at a time. I also picked up the little bookmark" One Day at a Time" and that small piece of literature became my Bible as I tried to live it to the best of my ability.. All this without talking to anyone or sharing anything except my name. After attending like this for a number of months I saw that I felt much better, the program was working . One day I began to speak, share, connect and I have never stopped. I discovered that I was not terminally unique and was finally ready to be part of a group and connect and grow. I am so glad I did.
Please try Face to Face meetings again and keep coming back here as well
after attending meetings somewhat regularly for a few months another "crazy crisis" hit my house and I found myself in the parking lot of my Al-Anon home group unable to stop crying long enough to go inside the church... it was raining crazy and I felt like I had failed yet again, my life was crazy, in an uproar; my daughter wasn't safe at home; my finances were crazy out of control, my job was in jeopardy, everything I touched seemed to fail--even Al-Anon!
I left the meeting without going in and headed home. I had to travel down dark and winding roads and it felt like I was going deeper and darker into the depths of despair. I entered my house with every intention of doing "something stupid."
my Bible was on the table and I randomly opened it to a verse that said; "for you were not born of a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind..." and I knew right away that my problem was me and my thinking. I was able to acknowledge that the crazy crisis and the crazy rain and the crazy fights and the crazy lifestyle and the crazy everything had a lot to do with the crazy choices I was making. it was then that the restore-me-to-sanity-thing in Step Two began to make sense. since I was on a roll, I decided to bravely forge ahead with Step Three and make a decision...
over time, I made a lot of decisions. one of the best ones was to "Keep Coming Back" to meetings.
that was over thirty years ago. life has had it's ups and downs. I've made some good decisions and I blew a few... these ol' bones of mine don't let me get to many face-to-face meetings anymore but I keep in touch and I go to a lot of online meetings. you see, I remember "crazy" and I don't wanna go back there...
I could not see a way out of my marriage, even sitting in alanon meeting when people told me there are ways and programs to help people like myself if I were to become a single mother. I resisted that option until it was no longer an option and I had to leave for my own survival! Literally the stress was killing me. I filed for divorce, got on welfare, took good care of my kids. Got a pell grant to go back to school. Fully paid for because I have no income. There are ways. Check with your dept of labor if you ever need too. They can provide employment assistance and educational grants. There are also student loans to help you pay the cost of living while you are in school if that's something you choose to do. There are ways out, if you want out. It helps to have the support of your alanon friends too. Trust that your HP did not bring you to this place in life to just leave you here. HP will take care Of you and guide you. Ask for help and you will receive it.
and was finally ready to be part of a group and connect and grow. I am so glad I did.