The material presented
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My son is married to an alcoholic who has recently been placed on two 72 hour hold in the last two weeks for suicidal ideation and depressions issues. In between her last two in patient stays, she was home with my son and their 4 month old daughter. During this time she swore she was taking Antabuse. Long story shirt, she wasn't and back to the psychiatric unit for her after she swallowed a bottle of pills and booze. She has no family so we have been helping our son and his daughter. I am furious with her and am trying my best to back off and let him manage his own family dynamics. Nothing more heart wrenching as a parent than to watch your child be "worked" by lies, minimization, and promises. How do I best support my son?
You can help your son and yourself by checking out the alanon Face to face meetings in your community and attending. Alanon is an Organization of men and women who live with or have lived with the disease of alcoholism . Meetings enable us to support each other as we learn how to live our lives focused on ourselves, one day at a time.
We believe that alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless. That changed attitudes on our part helps us to live successful lives by learning to ACT and Not React.
Respect his choices and tell him you love him. Nothing you tell him will be stuff he isn't mulling around and thinking about already. He's not being worked. He is hanging in there until it's so bad he can't stay with her or until she gets better...whichever. He is likely viewing her as sick (which she is) and he loves her. YOU are viewing her as a just a lying, alcoholic waste. Not saying she deserves all your pity cuz pity doesn't help the alcoholic or their family. But knowing that he views her as sick in all likelihood and is clinging to the idea of her getting well and being the wife he envisioned is probably what is keeping him going.
It is possible she will recover and better manage her alcoholism and mental illness. Most alcoholics hit bottom with a stint in jail, the mental hospital, suicide attempts, or a serious health problem. Can you blame him for wanting to cling to the notion that the mother of his child might recover? It's his journey and his higher power will hopefully provide him the clarity to know if and when to give up on that notion.
Until then, criticizing or bashing his wife will drive a wedge and make it harder for her to recover and harder for him to be with her. It's adding negative to negative. Much as you know your son and grandchild deserve better, you'll have a better time of it trying to build up the positive cuz it would seem everyone is really hurting in this picture right now.
Hope that helps some. I don't have all the answers and don't know the specifics here. These are only my thoughts and if they help then awesome...if not, someone else might have some ESH that better hits home and lots of that ESH (experience, strength, and hope) is to be found in the rooms of Alanon.
**Oh...I wanted to add just that I feel for you and this is a terrible situation. I can really identify with you wanting better for you child and feeling the desire to protect him. That's normal and understandable.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 5th of January 2013 10:58:59 AM
As the mother of an addict it is excruciatingly painful not to be able to fix or help your child. In the beginning I took my sons addiction very personally. I could only see how it was hurting our family, me and also him. But a couple of years after I was in alanon I was arguing with my son one day and actually looked into his eyes and I saw the most incredible pain I had ever encountered. On that day I learned compassion. I realized my son loved us as much as his disease (and it is a disease) would allow. But he was being controlled by his addiction, and all the lies and manipulation that comes with it. No one asks for this disease. People don't wake up one morning and say to themselves "How can I screw up my life, health and hurt my loved ones today?". It just doesn't happen that way. There is no reason your son shouldn't love his wife. You could help him and yourself by getting to Alanon meetings and working the program. I promise you, you will not be disappointed. Alanon isn't meant to help you fix your loved one but to educate yourself on this disease and learn how to cope in a healthy way when dealing with your DIL. There is a ton to learn and for me it has to be a life long program. My son has yet to hit his bottom, he has been to jail, OD'd several times, been on the psych ward twice and is homeless. I don't know what is bottom is but I do know we love him no matter what. But loving him also means tough love and making him feel consequences for his behavior. Our first priority now is taking care of ourselves as my husband & I are both disabled. And we just cannot watch our most precious son hurt himself over and over. Please do give alanon a try. It has saved my life and sanity more times than I can count wishing you the best Blessings
OJWoman...welcome to the board and I can tell you that the people here who have come to your support are the very same ones that came to mine and with their unconditional love and support I followed thru on their suggestions and got into the Al-Anon Family Groups. I didn't know them yet as the MIP board and today it doesn't matter. Take these suggestions and shares with an open mind and follow thru on them. You can find the Al-Anon hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book. Give it a call and find out where and when we get together in your area. Keep coming back here also. ((((hugs))))
