He doesn't care - Al-Anon Family Group

Nicoledilo · Newbie

He doesn't care

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Nicoledilo...Aloha and welcome to the board...You're smart...you got the information and see the picture and have experience of your own and maybe what you need is a meditation subject to focus on for a while.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results"

The child of God, this addict that you're thinking you can fix after not being able to fix anyone in the past actually needs a power greater than yourself and a slew of recovering addicts to hand out with...and he needs to do it for himself cause doing it for you isn't going to work. My alcoholic/addict exwife made promises...tried recovery...asked me for answers and help and still the disease almost took our lives...both of us. She got into and stayed in recovery after I detached from her and got out of the way between she and her higher power. The same thing happened for me as I got her off the pedistal as my higher power and put the God of my understand up there again and started reaching out for help from the fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups...you will find that hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book and it would really help you to call it as soon as you can. Keep coming back here also and read, read, read the posts which are very supportive. (((hugs)))

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Why enter a relationship that busted from the get go? Most folks here will tell you that they had no idea things would get so bad when they got into relationships with their addict spouses. I will tell you that myself regarding my ex. Essentially, you are stating that you want to get into a relationship with him based on broken and unhealthy parts of you, but then you are disheartened that 1. He is unhealthy, and 2. The relationship is unhealthy.

Nicole, I would only want to try and spare you unnecessary paint and reexposure to the same trauma you've already had. Yes, it does makes sense to some degree to try and recreate you relationship with your dad and then try and control it so that you feel less anxious about your childhood and your current world. Maybe you feel that if you know they are really messed up from the start, you can only help them and you wont get blindsided by the pain of finding out how bad their problems are later. Maybe you feel like if you weren't enough to make your father stop using, you aren't enough for any man that doesn't use drugs (dunno, I'm leaping here and making assumptions which are probably off base and if so, I'm sorry).

In any case, the saying in alanon (and other 12 step programs actually) is that "It's an inside job." Don't question why this addict guy acts like a crazy addict - That is a given. I would suggest starting alanon, ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) and/or maybe therapy if you want or feel like it to address why you think you should play nurse, mom, addict counselor in relationships.

You deserve to be happy and not have a relationship fraught with these issues. You have stated keen awareness that you KNOW you have baggage (regarding dad). Work on the baggage and then future relationships will be so much better...It's going to be worth your effort. I promise you that.

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

as the mother of an addicted son I would tell you to be his friend but not to enable his disease. Some people aren't of the mind that alcoholics/addicts are worth the love they have to give. I don't believe that. As children of God we are all deserving of love. Unfortunatly with an addict, as they will love you as much as their disease allows it will not be enough for you because the disease will always come first.
It would be great if any of us had the power to fix or help our sick loved ones. But we are not that powerful. Only their Higher Power can help them when our loved one finally reaches out and asks for help.

As you have had experince with this disease as many of us have we have learned we can't fix anyone except ourselves. That is what alanon can help you focus on. You can be this boy's friend and protect your feelings by setting boundaries for yourself of what you are or aren't willing to accept. Such as you won't see him if he is high. Since you can see the signs of when he is high if you see him you can be straight forward letting him know he crossed your boundary and go with a plan B. Always have a plan B that involves something good for you. Of course he needs to know what your boundaries are beforehand. Then the time you spend with him will be more real (if that makes sense). Alanon can teach you not to become emeshed in his disease to the point you lose your own identity. A lot of us got here after having already lost ourselves.

Many of us are natural caretakers. Personally I grew up surrounded by this disease and was the desginated caretaker. It's a hard and thankless job as we rarely see any improvement and as said above we lose ourselves in other's disease. It took me a good long while to stop caretaking for my precious son. But as I learned in alanon the more i took care of him the less likely he would be to eventually reach out and seek help.
The only experience I can give to you is to get yourself to alanon and work the program and take care of you
wish you all the best
blessings

midas · Member

Dear Nicoledilo... you remind me of myself when I was 22, and unfortunately it took me another 15 years or so before I decided I to be done with the drama, make healthy choices and finally seek true happiness. In my case I started therapy and also online dating on okcupid (which is good for twenty-somethings.)
You DESERVE someone who reminds you of the best qualities of your dad- whatever it was that made you so close to him- it will only be traumatic to be with someone who reminds you of the negative qualities of your dad (his drug use that led to his passing). You do sound like a caregiver, and a great catch for someone who who can identify with your life experience and will support you reciprocally. IMO, get away from this guy before getting sucked deeper into it, and focus on Al Anon and a path toward healthy relationships, a healthy future, and caregiving toward those who are truly ready for the care you can provide. Hugs!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you gotten to any face to face al-anon meetings or counseling with dealing with an A father or over his loss? i needed both after my dad passed and if I knew what I know now I would have not about killed myself trying to save my exah. I can very much relate and I am hoping you can stop and listen to your red flags and listen to your inner voice and hand this guy over to his HP and let your HP help you to get healthier. Sending you much love and support!

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