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My A/A daughter just called to ask me to pick her up and give her a ride home, she said she was at herald college, an appt. to get GED or some training, and it took longer than she expected. She was very nice about it, I told her no, I had not been out of the house today, and didn't feel like it. Mind you I've told her that I will not chauffeur her around after she lost the last of 4 cars I've given her. It is very cold today, and I know I would hate to have to catch the bus, but I asked her if she had a coat she said yes, but didn't have socks on, I said you will be alright. Mind you, she is 45y.o. Why am I thinking I should have given her a ride since she is making an effort to help herself.
Gettingitright!!!
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
Where I got into program I once was following a car with a bumper sticker that read "Screw Guilt". I later found the the driver was in recovery and before that I decided..."Okay...good idea" and stopped feeling guilty by default about things I did or didn't do. I did'em or didn't do'em and left the guilt somewhere I wouldn't find it. If you make a choice do the choice and nothing else. Good people don't feel guilty about doing good and they don't self judge good deeds as maybe somehow being gooder. Second guessing never worked for me as an enabler. You left her the dignity of the consequences of her choices...that's a gift. (((hugs)))
She had options-I recently read on this board enabling is when you do something they can do for themselves-sounds like she could ride a bus. Also for myself when I was dealing with AD and children and general, my test was will I resent this-if the answer was yes, I didn't do it. In the end AD admired and was thankful for when I was strong and believed in her ability to do for herself.
Thanks for all your support, my sponsor keep encouraging me to keep saying no. With my HP (God's) help, I let it go, and was able to spend the rest of the evening warm and comfortable in my recliner and watched a good movie. LOL.
Then early this morning her 17y.o. son, who is now on my tough love list, he is back home with his mom, and being irresponsible and unfocused. He called asking if I could take him to the emergency room, he had a "real bad sore throat and needed to see a Dr." I told him to wake him mom up and tell her about it, gargle with warm salt and water, take what ever meds his mom has, and told him to call me back if he didn't get any better.
I'm thinking he's using this to get over to my house, his mom was here a few days ago asking for food and raiding my refrig. and cupboards. I had been giving him money until he messed up recently, by coming back home from his step dads, where he had been doing real well. I feel real sorry for him to have to live with a "crazy" a/a mom who is trying to support 3 people (herself, her boyfriend and him) on his sm. SS check and food stamps. She said they were short last month because she missed the reporting date.
I want to help him and let him come stay with me until he finished high school at least, and maybe some job training, he is a year behind in school (he has learning disability, reason he gets SS) He is failing in algebra and Spanish, which are required for diploma. He can make up credits at alternate schools. I want to help him as much as I can, but don't want to make same mistakes I did with my son and daughter.
I have been so affected by this disease, it is a challenge for me to know the next right thing to do. Any esh would be appreciated. I'm so afraid of enabling him.
Gettingitright!!
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
Never lose sight of how A makes people you love into manipulators. If she lost the past 4 cars you gave her I don't see a reason for YOU to feel guilty about denying HER a ride, or socks. If you love her you can recognize that she is a grown woman, capable of taking care of herself by taking public transportation or getting some cheap socks at a store. Tell yourself that you're not guilty or cruel- you are kind to allow her a chance at reclaiming her dignity! You're getting it right! Hug.
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"my country is the world, and my religion is to do good" (Thomas Paine)
Sounds like lots of decisions regarding the grandson, I hope you can get to some meetings and have a chat with your sponsor about this. Sending you serenity, love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
