The material presented
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Hi, I am new to this world and am looking for support from people who have been there. My husband, whom I love very much has had substance abuse issues since we meet. I stupidly thought it was all fun of our youth, I grew up, but he still acts recklessly even though we have two children and a mortgage, high level jobs in our organizations. His behavior is risky (drinking and driving, blacking out in public places) and we recently had an incident where he was almost killed. I set a limit and told him that he needed to go back to AA ( he was court ordered there after a DUI 5 years ago) again and we needed to get counseling or we were getting a divorce and I meant it. He immediately stopped drinking and smoking weed and started AA once a week. W had our first couple therapy appointment tonight and our therapist expressed her concern that my husband showed a pattern of abuse ( he does well, starts to use again, it gets out of control and then I shut it down, he does well, starts...you get the picture). I am the child of a substance abusive parent, and have some deep trauma around my childhood still due to that. The therapist said he needed more intensive help, but that I couldn't set it up for him, he needs to make the phone call. I agree and he has one week to do it, or else he is out of the house. I don't doubt for a second that I can keep my bottom line and follow through, and I know he needs to get the help himself and not because I forced him.... I am scared he won't and sad and thinking of how I will handle everything (telling our kids, family, etc.). I get it now, I can't change him, only he can work on himself.. I am seeking mental health care from a therapist, but I am also just looking for some encouragement if anyone else has been there....Thanks!
so glad you found us. In al anon we do not give advice as we are not professionals what we do share is our own experiences and things that did and did not work for us.
Al anon saved my sanity I was in a situation just like your and became very ill trying to get my partner to get help. Just like you are realising they have to do it them selves.
For you I would suggest finding your nearest al anon meeting and attending, I loved my first meeting it was so lovely to be able to open up honestly about what was going on in a place where people understood and never jdged me.
My partner is in and out of AA longest he has been c;lean of drink and drugs is about 9 months it is a daily battle. I have learnt that he is not willful but a sick man.
Today when he picks up I get out of the way and let him face the consequences of his choices. when he is sober and working on helping himself I have a relationship with him. Just like you this is not to control him it is protection for our family. My partner has been sober for nearly five months now things are improving but he is still ill drink is only one aspect of this disease.
As I said I would love to be able to tell you everything I have learnt about addiction and how it impacts the family and children and what to do to help your partner and protect your self but the only place to learn is by going to al anon meetings, reading the literture and doing the suggested things.
Today I concentrate on the things I do have control my own behaviour, I hope you get to a meeting al anon saved my life.
Hi. Welcome. This place has been a life saver for me. My story sounds a lot like yours. My AH and I have been together for 21 years. I met him at a party where we were all drinking and we became very good party buddies. Once I became a mother things changed for me but not for him. He even snuck beer into the hospital as our newborn was being held extra days for a fever.
I have so many doubts in my head all the time....so many what-ifs, but one thing I will to allow myself to do is have any regrets. My marriage is over. I have another appointment with my divorce attorney to finalize things. I have tried to make things work for us but haven't been successful. I know that he needs to get himself better and he cannot do that with me around. I also know that indeed to get myself better and I cannot do that with him around. We are toxic to each other right now and the two of us together are doubly toxic to our children.
I have no advice. I know how badly you want it. I was begging a family member just last night to tell me what I should do. The fact is you have to work this one out for yourself. When I make a decision I just try to make sure I will not beat myself up over it in the end. This is a great place to be. There is comfort in knowing there are people out there who get it. Face to face meetings are great but I don't get to them as often as I should. It's very hard to juggle the schedule of work and two busy kids when you never know if their dad is going to be too drunk to help drive them to their events. So when I can't get to a meeting but I need one, I get on here. Sometimes I just read and sometimes I write.
I wish you and your family all the best. Remember to take care of yourself. Don't let him take you down with him.
If you go to more alanon you will see how you just worked elements of steps 1, 2, and 3 on your own. It seems like you just let go of a huge chunk of control on the issue. What you will get from therapy is awesome, but what alanon has to offer is unparalled.
As an alcoholic, and a therapist - I don't know that rehab is what your husband needs. It can't hurt though. More than anything, he'd probably benefit to go to AA 7 days per week, not 1. It would be more helpful to get a sponsor and to do step work. That is what is waiting for him after rehab anyhow. It's committing to a new way of life. And your intuitions about him needing to do it for himself are correct. 80 percent of people go to rehab and relapse also and it's because they half-arse the AA or NA program when they leave and/or cuz they aren't doing it for themselves. AA has to be full force and a total shift of thinking/living/being has to occur for it to work.
All of what I just wrote about "HIM" is out of your control too sadly. Just telling you so that you have more knowledge of what recovery is like for the willing alcoholic wanting to change. It might affect your decisions some.
I am sorry to hear the situation you are in, but you found the right place and the right program to help YOU! I also grew us surrounded by addiction and abuse. Even though I was the youngest child I was taught to be the caretaker for all. Never occured to me these adults should have been the caretaker for me until I found this program. My husband also comes from an addictive family. And together we were going to break the cycle with our own children. Unfortunatly that didn't happen. We had been around addiction for so long our thinking and decision making had become very dusfunctional. We passed those dysfunctions on to our children, one who is now an addict. We did everything humanly possible to help our son overcome his addiction to no avail. In my most desperate moment I was lead to Alanon. This program has saved my life and mental health many times over. It takes work but it is possible to get your own life back. I just celebrated my 4th yr here in alanon. As hard as I worked my program it took me 3 of those years to really gain the strenght to set my boundaries and stick to them (this is just me personally others can do it quicker). Somewhere in the back of my mind I was still so sure I could help or fix my son. This past year i surrendered to the fact i couldn't. But what I learned in the mean time was Compassion, for my son and for all those afflicted with this disease. I looked into my son's eyes one day when I was yelling at him and in his eyes saw the most unbearable pain I had ever seen. I haven't any idea what the cause of his pain is but it is there and he is trying so hard to drowned it out with drugs. I then looked back at my other family members and saw they too were in pain. I realized that no one asks for this disease, it sneaks up on them and before they know it they are addicted. All the dreams my son had for his life aren't going to happen now because he has a criminal record. Jail wasn't his bottom, several OD's haven't been his bottom and last year we had to put him out of the house. Not because he was abusive or violent because he never was, but we could no longer watch him hurt himself. He had by then lost all his friends and couldnt hold down a job so he was homeless, living on the street. That wasn't his bottom either. But after 3 yrs i was finally ready to stick to my boundaries no matter how painful. I think it took me that long because it was my child and a different dynamic than a spouse or other family or friend. Please do find an alanon meeting in your area and start attending and join us here online in our meeting room where meetings are held twice a day. You won't regret it. and alanon is a safe place for you to share your story. We don't give advice but our own ESH (experience, strenght and hope). For me it is a life long program as it is for many others. Alanon works in all aspects of our lives and it is just for YOU. Wishing you all the best and hope to see you continue posting here and maybe in the meeting room Blessings
I would really recommend the book Getting them Sober. I think it is a great resource for dealing with someone like your husband.
Of course therapy does help but I have to say that I learned far more around boundaries, managing every day life from al anon than I did from therapy. Therapy certainly helped me tremendously with the deep trauma stuff and like you I grew up around addiction. In al anon I learned where I began and ended. As someone who grew up without boundaries I did not know how to implement that.
The ex A who I was with for 7 years did a number of very risky things. He drove recklessly, hit and runs, crashed cars endlessly. I found it very difficult to detach around that level of self destruction. These days I tend to avoid anyone with a substance abuse problem not because I am judgmental but because I cannot afford to have their recklessness invade my life. I have never known anyone of them who wasn't reckless and self destructive.
I do no t know that it is terribly ijmportant to know exactly the right words to say to anyone around your husbands situation. Perfectionism is one of the traits we tend to share when we are used to managing everything. In so many ways when we stop enabling and stop covering up the need to have everything fall into place leaves us. For me the time I left the ex A was a time of tremendous upheaval, sadness and anger for a long long time. I did leave him, stayed in contact and in some kind of a relationship for more than a year. It takes a long long time to tie up all the ends.
I think al anon could help you a great deal. Be willing to listen, be willing to give the suggestions some weight and most of all know that no one here is going to judge you.
