Something my child said to me - Al-Anon Family Group

abbyalana · Senior Member

Something my child said to me

AngieP · Veteran Member

Be patient with her even more than you would yourself. My youngest is 14, while my A isn't her dad, she has been affected. She is far less tolerant of his "stuff" of course, but just life & Love blinds us at times, love for her dad certainly is blinding your daughter right now too. I hate that she isn't open to alateen as it has so much to offer her, keep offering. If she would eventually open up to it she could see ( just like we have) that dads behavior isn't normal but that others are living with it & being affected by it also. I'd probably let that previous conversation drop. It stands to reason tha she blames you too because she is a child, not realizing you are acting in everyone's BEST interest... To remove her from the chaos & provide stability. She will mature and with time see it different, but that doesn't mean she won't be angry in the mean while. Hang In there mom, parenting is so hard and adding all this makes it Overwhelming at times, but 1 day at a time you will both make it thru together!!!

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Blame rarely has any positive affect on anyone. One thing I am learning in Al Anon is to stay on my side of the fence. Worry about myself, my actions, my needs my responsibilities and recognize that others in my life need to do the same but it is not my job to remind them or tell them.

Blame typically has a negative reaction where it can foster inaction and confrontation in my experience. If I tell my son "it's your fault you were late to school again" he knew that. If he gets a tardy for being late, that's his consequence. I don't always need to point things out or get involved, life has a way of eventually teaching us what we need to know.

My ex husband has so many character defects and once upon a time I point them out and told him all about them. I quit years ago and now he's left with no one else to blame for where his is or what he's like and no one had to tell him. It just got that bad the more those defects were left unchecked the less he could try to blame others. At the same time I had to work on myself, my need to tell him how to be or what to do, etc and to focus on telling myself what I need to do to take care of me.

In addition it is terribly painful for a child to hear a parent be critical of another parent. As my kids therapist told both my ex and I, the child is one half mom, one half dad. If you are critical of one parent you are critical of one half of your child. That is how they take it. My ex would say horrible things about me, the kids would come crying to me it hurt them so badly. All it did was make them angry with him and resent him.

What I tell my kids who just recently learned their dad has lost custody to me due to abuse and drinking - I tell them "your dad loves you dearly, he may not know the right way to show it, he may not always appear to but he wants to do the best he can and right now he needs help".

If they come to me on their own with negative talk about their dad I listen and I do not tell them not to feel that way. But I do not put him down in front of them. Difficult times going through such pain in a family with divorce, alcoholism and such. Take care of yourself, take care of your needs, the rest will fall into place in time.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi

Yout daughter is correct we all do have a share in the problem

I believe working Steps 4 through 10 will shed a great deal of light on the situation.

Be gentle with yourself and keep showing up.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Right on HotRod!! cause we do have that experience. In the program; both Al-Anon and Alateen I learned soooo much and one thing was no matter the nature of the conversation it is always an opportunity to network with the others involved. 12 years old is a heck of an age...powerless and yet building separation and attempting to use a brain just fresh out of it's box...it's not a good time yet it can be if the 12 year old is attended by an open person, adult, parent...someone willing to walk with them...If she is compaining that's a good time to ask her..."So how do you see it and then shut up and listen." You can also ask her if she kinda sorta sees it like you do and then tell her how you see it in a detached way...not blaming, scapegoating, judging and such...speak with interest and respect...They do have perceptions and feelings and some experiences (not a ton...some)...you're the one with the experiences and you want to see if her's are kinda sorta like yours when you were that age and since. It requires patience, willingness, true compassion and commitment (if it ain't true...don't attempt it cause your body language will be telling the true story anyway) and love. Leave your self open at all times (even if you won't always be there) to trudge the journey with her and be ready to use empathy during the crying and the laughing and the boredom...you've been there yourself and didn't do it perfectly or right...use your program language and behavior...treat her like a newbie and keep growing yourself cause you don't want her to out-grow you. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

Teenagers, by nature, have a self centered perspective. So it's important to have a level of detachment about them and their behavior. You can encourage her to speak directly to the person they're upset at, but she has to do it in an adult manner. If she holds you accountable for the whole of the issue, she may also want to talk with a therapist.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to get my now 14 year old into counseling with someone who knew about substance abuse to help her understand some things when she was 12 and I did have to learn to stop bringing her dad up at all unless it was about something vital that needed to be said, like get ready for your dad to pick you up by 4pm. This is a hard spot for sure. Keep coming back. Sending you love and support on your journey!

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

When I was a child I felt very much like your daughter. My father was an alcoholic and I saw my mother as a ragaolic (not saying that applys to yu). I didn't understand my feelings at all but I knew for me it wasn't safe for me to talk about it with any adult.
As an adult and watching other children go thru similar situations I observed the child usually roots or stands by who they feel is the underdog. If they feel one parent is being hurt more than the other that's who they relate to and will stick up for.
That is purely my take on my own experience and watching others. Since the child doesn't understand all that goes on in a relationship they can only make judgements on what they see for themselves. Alateen would be a great resource.
Personally when my parents split I was ripped away from my father as well as his whole side of the family with whom i was very close. I grew up thinking (after the initial break up) that my father didn't care about me. And here now in middle age I learn thru my sister that my father spent a lot of time trying to find me (my mother made us move every year so my father could not find us).
Today after growing up in an addictive family and now having a child who is an addict and working this program, I can see my contributions to how I handled this disease. And many times I said very very hurtful things, things that I have had to go back and make amends for.
And i have to ditto Jerry's message. I think he hit the nail on the head
Blessings

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