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I wish I could get into the nitty gritty of what is going on and unfortunately I can't at this point and probably not for a LONG time .. it really looks like the courts are going to be a part of my life for a long time to come. The year 2014 has been the end date that I have continued to receive in terms of my divorce being finalized and honestly that is the BEST thing that can happen. This is my intuition not anything else. No court again on january 8th, .. and probably not for a LONG while unless he's willing to make such a hell of a deal it's not going to be altered much from the temp deal at this point .. the ball is in my court I do mean that very literally.
Things I have learned in the past 2 weeks, .. there have been some things that have come to light right in the middle of the holidays. Truthfully, I'm in shock and have been since my last atty appointment. Yesterday, I spent the day in a literal daze feeling that surreal feeling of this can't really be happening. You know the out of body experiences that happen during crisis? Well I had 4 of those yesterday and when your sponsor says .. ummm .. I don't even know what to say, what would be program in this situation .. I'm going to have to work a step just knowing what I do! This is someone with 20+ years of hearing it all.
More importantly what have I learned from this situation .. God has a much better plan than I do. God has got my back. I can trust God to reveal the information that I need when I need it. I can trust that the information is true. Now let's be very clear about what I mean by those statements .. nope .. I did no snooping, I didn't have to, I still don't have to I have all of the proof I need without needing to snoop. 2 years ago I would have thought I needed the lock, filing cabinet and the key .. now I only need the God of my understanding. I would have snooped forced my will and things would have been a much bigger mess than they are and guess what .. I didn't do one dang thing to create this crisis or prevent it .. there was no meddling, plotting, fixing, manage or controlling on my part. I also have the proof I need in this situation and it's going to get nasty for a few people and again .. not my issue. I have all my footwork done so really once that was done I was completely out of it.
The other thing I really got clubbed over the head with is that there are two extremely sick individuals that I'm dealing with and I'm not part of that number .. thank you God!!! I'm sick in my own way .. I'm soooo NOT in theirs anymore .. I'm soooooooooooo grateful!!! I have minded my own business stayed out of whatever was or wasn't going on. Ohhhh of course I had my dark fantasy moments, fantasy being the key word here no reality for me, .. in no way am I the bad guy in this situation .. I will be very curious to see how they try and make this my fault it was ALL of their own making. The God of my understanding has a very wicked sense of humor .. I value and appreciate it .. it can be exhausting .. lol .. and I laugh as I hear my stbax's words about how I make everything so complicated .. well honey .. NONE of this is on me and I don't care how you slice, dice or make juillian fries out of it .. it's not me .. it's completely THEM!! This just goes to show me how toxic their relationship is and how if I stay out of it they will self destruct in ways that boggle the mind.
I've got my popcorn out and I'm actually thinking of writing a book .. no seriously, ... what has gone on .. this isn't even on the top 100 of my dark fantasy list .. I have come to the conclusion my imagination isn't this good. LOL!! Ohhhh it's that much better and the consequences may be being felt until the kids are in their 20's for him.
2013 has started off with a serious BANG! I am hoping it's a good sign that this all hit Jan 2nd and not on Jan 28th like last year. I am kind of thinking this is the year of da Pushka .. and it's about to get seriously crazy up in here. I do have my bag of popcorn and I'm just sitting back watching the show .. truthfully I can't believe what idiots these people are and how much they deserve each other. I mean SERIOUSLY!!! Thank you God all over again .. not my crisis not my mess. I only have to deal with my part which is none .. I mean seriously my part is none in this whole mess.
So I am praying like a crazy woman to the God of my understanding, praying for the knowledge of my next move .. expecting to hear from my STBAX's atty during court. Having a very good laugh about it all, there are some seriously dumb a$$ people in the world. House of cards anyone? WOW is all I can say!!!! If this wasn't actually happening TO me .. seriously .. I wouldn't believe the person telling the story .. it's THAT bizzaro. Knowing I didn't do any of this .. WOW ... seriously .. priceless feeling.
Again so very grateful for this site because without it .. I think I would be a major looney and I would have been the ticker on CNN. Without all of you sharing your stories of pain as well as healing .. WOW .. I am in awe. Thank you for being here.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
When a person is 1. A drunk and 2. Trying to have a sneaky affair - No amount of bumbling, stupidity, or ridiculousness would surprise me. The craziness that entered my life towards the end of my toxic alcoholic relationship was stuff that I only see in movies.
This includes me having to have my ex-A committed. Him fighting the police in a drugged out stupor and almost getting tased. Him giving me the finger while being wheeled out on the gurney...Him making friends with some other crazy girl in the hospital and the two of them going panhandling together with pictures of his neices on a board saying they were his daughters.... Him having some medical problem in combination with his addiction and then coughing and blacking out and hitting the floor like a 350 pound ton of bricks several times a week. This happened in restaurants and at the bar. 1 time resulting in him fracturing his orbital bone in his face.
So anyhow, I had moments of "This CANT be my life!" Yet it was. The drama and theatrics continue from his side whenever I talk to him. The stories of getting robbed by his new crackhead boyfriend.....Oh well now it's not my life. Thank God!
Pushka, you are working your program so well, girl! Your insight and willingness to share your journey are amazing! Keep doing what you're doing and you WILL succeed and ultimately find the serenity you seek and so greatly deserve.
(((Hugs)))
I read so many positives in your negative situation. You are working your program amazingly. Don't let those sick people around you get in your head. You got this!!!
((((Pushka))))...this one has hurt you sis...For me, as I read (listen with my eyes) you're bruised and feeling angry about it. I remember when I "use" to say a thing hurt me so bad until the next time when I said "this is the worse it's ever been" until the next time when the last time wasn't as bad as the new one and I'm grateful for the lessons on tantruming and acceptance and abandoning myself to my higher power...not just surrendering (where and when I kept the white flag in my back pocket) but total abandoning my mind, body, spirt and emotions over to my Higher Power and saying a prayer my then sponsor taught me to say..."Dear God please give them all of the things you would give to those you loved so deeply". I choked on this prayer many times until I got abandonment completely. I learned that I was among those who my HP loved so deeply and the peace of mind and soul came. I started saying the 1st step as if it was the only key to my freedom as it really was and then I turned my life over to the care of God and my sponsor and my home group and just sat and listened, listened, listened and then practiced, practiced, practiced, while "she" and "them" became appointments on my Higher Powers calender of events and not mine. I memorized the ODAT offering of "Nothing has the power to disturb my peace of mind and serenity unless I participate"...I stopped participating and took no bait at all. I was told not to make any decisions that included my alcoholic/addict for two years and came to understand why that was so important. I learned how to be fair, honest and just and to treat her and everyone else that way and I wasn't hurt by the settlement because as I told my lawyer before we went to court "I have everything I want which is what I need. What ever else comes from the hearing is extra". I had come to know unconditional love.
I remember a prayer that helped me a ton; "The Diserata"...look it up and see if it helps you also.
I have you in my mind and in my prayers...anything else and I'm powerless too. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 3rd of January 2013 10:41:43 PM
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 3rd of January 2013 10:45:51 PM
It has been a very difficult day to not respond to the insanity .. again not being able to share all it is difficult, that being said .. there are some surprises coming forward so I'm buckling up, remaining seated and seeing where this takes me. the only thing I did text him about was why he hadn't picked the kids up. DUH!!
I'm literally having to start from ground zero all over again and this time .. if they thought last time was ugly .. that was the easy preview .. this time .. it's on.
He didn't pick the kids up which I speculate he's been drinking telling them there isn't enough time to rent movies or games tonight. So they stayed with their noni which suited them both fine. It's his weekend however I speculate less than 4 hours he will spend with them. All I can say is WOW .. I can't imagine.
The bizzaro level of this case literally is off the charts. If there is 100+ on the meter it's 150.
I have one small part however I am under legal advisement to keep doing what I am doing .. sooooo .. it will all just have to wait. I'm so glad I trusted my instincts.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I for one would be the first one in line to buy the book and I think it would be a great tribute to al-anon. So glad you are sweeping away your side of the street. Sending you much love and support on this journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Right now .. I am not ready nor do I have to pray for these people until I am. I'm only praying for the willingness to be willing to do what I can do today. That is the best I can give in this situation and it is enough for me at the moment. The God of my understanding knows my heart and knows this is my best. I think I can start to let go when we get through Tuesday and I have a better idea of what is going to go on. The next court date, am I going to refile and so on? I may actually have to go to the Bar Association at this point because the breech of confidentiality that was let go of on this persons part was soooo grievous and if it will keep someone else from being hurt and taken the way I was ABSOLUTELY this is a principles above personality issue. I will cross that bridge when I get there and decide, because this is a small town because this is an issue of other people being hurt .. this is not ok.
It is a LOT to process. The bottom line is I did not start nor can I stop this new line of what is coming down the pipe. This is on these 3 people and they will now have to deal with the consequences of their actions. It is going to be not pretty, .. it will cost life long careers. It will ruin new careers as well .. so very sad in some ways .. next time .. someone needs to be more careful as to what they do.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hope you find some peace. I'm sure Jerry is right - all kinds of emotions swirling around.