The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a very close relationship with my 14 year old son. Over the years AH has pulled away from participating in things with us like hiking, traveling, going to the movies, and other events. He would complain, condemn, or otherwise make a stink so our son and I have developed a very independent relationship. Ah and son spend time together playing ping pong and sometimes going to play tennis together.
As a child, I felt that my parents never communicated with me. They never asked about how I felt, never asked about my experiences, and in general pretty much abandoned me emotionally. I have recently been convicted in my own heart by HP that I have shared too much of my marriage struggles with son. I haven't specifically thrown AH under the bus but I have made mention of our marriage and told son that our marriage isn't normal and that dad and mom need to work on themselves and that we struggle as a couple. Son has also made his own comments about AH being fat, stubborn, and lazy and, while I didn't agree with him I also didn't push him to talk to AH about his own feelings. Son has told me that he's usually afraid to talk to AH because AH is very judgemental and he says that AH doesn't listen to him and spends his responses in lecture mode.
Anyway, I feel that I have overcompensated for my lack of communication in my childhood by being too honest with my son. Now, while I can't turn back the hands of time and take back things I've said or implied, I can fix things from here on out. I'd like the input of my friends here at MIP to help me come up with ways to talk to son without exposing my marriage difficulties, without burdening him with our problems, yet also making sure he knows that he's loved and will be cared for. I also think that son knows more than he lets on so I want to keep those lines of communication open while also keeping appropriate boundaries. How on earth do I do that when I've had NO boundaries in my life ever?
I truly feel that I've screwed up. As if my son hasn't been screwed up enough but I know I need to convict myself of my shortcomings and work harder to set the right tone without creating more anxiety in my son. Most of you know that he has Tourette's, ADHD, and anxiety issues already. It's one of the reasons that I keep hanging on in my marriage. I keep thinking I can prevent or postpone my son's pain where it comes to 'family' and what we're facing behind closed doors.
If it helps I can say I relate to overcompensating commuication with children after experiencing lack of emotionally communication in childhood, although I am only realising this happened.
Thanks for helping me see this, hope you find the answers you are looking for which I don't yet have the confidence to give or even know.(I don't even know if I know, how mad is that). I do know after a couple of years in Alanon I do this less.
I'm guilty of this also. My 15yo son clung to me until he was about 12 and he was there through each and every crisis. He listened to me while I was mad with worry and at times I stopped being his mother and I failed to protect him from my pain and the crisis. He is an angry boy and I need to make sure I dont overcomponsate for this and mess him up even more. I admire you for being aware of this and treading carefully, I think that is the best you can do. Thanks for sharing.
I hear your pain and am praying for you. I hope you take this reply knowing that it is written with love and not condemnation. I am proud you have realized you may be communicating more with your son on subjects he really doesn't need to know. I was one of those children who's mother shared much more than I wanted or needed to hear. Not just about my father being an alcoholic ( i figured that out before i was 5 yrs old). But she shared things that just should have been between adults, not adults & children. Unlike you she didn't see the errors of her ways. You have, and you don't have to condemn or punish yourself for what has already happened. Let it go and start new. Don't be so hard on yourself. In my experience, especially if you have a close relationship with your son I would wait until he brings a subject up and then speak to him about it in an age appropriate way. And always let him know he is loved. I have learned that our children never tire of hearing those words. You have already identified the problem so going forward you know what to do. Prayers your way! Blessings
