The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, my name is slogan_Jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
Over the holidays I came to a bit of a realization. I have a hard time around families. A friend of mine had a birthday party at a restaurant and invited his whole extended family. His girlfriend also invited her parents.
This is someone I have known since high school and but didnt really start interacting with his family until about 5 years ago. Growing up I always felt awkward around parents. I always had a hard time asserting myself because I was never taught to properly interact with them. Its weird. I guess growing up I never really felt like I fit in with my family so why would another family accept me? I feel as though I am keeping a bunch of secrets, as though if they really knew me and what I have been through, they wouldnt like me. I never had a big family, with big family gatherings in a long time. Ever since we moved in 1996. Its as if I think, they have no reason to like me, I am not their relative. Its not their responsibility to love me and be a family to me.
This scares me because I am afraid. I am afraid that this is holding me back. Holding me back from having my own family. Sometimes I think about how some families must judge me. Even though I have been friends with these guys for a decade and their families have always been good to me. Theyve never seen me with a girlfriend, and I have been distancing myself from them over the years. They must think I am weird.
I feel like I am isolating myself and pulling myself away. Because of this I begin to label myself and all these crazy scenarios start running through my mind.
With the holidays ending, Monday we resume our regular meeting and my old routine starts up again. I look forward to it. To Seeing the old gang again and keeping myself busy.
It is almost funny - often when you write something I can perfectly relate. I have the same feeling with families of others. I notice, in addition, that my parents were not very much welcoming my friends and I resented the friends of my siblings. It is one goal I have for the future, when, some day I have kids maybe. I want to know their friends and be willing to get to know the parents of these friends.
By the way, before I began this relationship with my A I though it is a huge issue to have been officially single for so long. I thought, it is completely defining me. Now I am wondering if people judge me for my partner. Phew. At the end of the day I 'just' need to be comfortable in my own skin.
I hope you get back into your routine. I needed these holidays and the time for thinking about all kinds of issues. Going to an additional meeting, talking to my sponsor and a LOT of reading and writing helped me. Happy new year :)
Hi Jim, I get a bit like you over the holidays. I doubt myself, feel self conscious and worry about issues that I don't normally worry about. I tend to isolate myself also. With my job I get long hols and my workmates look forward to them but I usually get nervous about them. recently and I think I'm getting to the bottom of this. I avoid myself through being busy and thoughts and feelings fester because I won't work them out. Then during holidays they come back and haunt me, before I had alanon I longed for my routine so I could avoid myself again but since alanon I realise I must face these feelings and work them out. Only then can I let them go and grow as a person. The steps have helped with me with this. Thanks
Boy I relate more than you can imagine!!! When I was younger I always felt like an outsider, as if I didn't belong (to my family or anyone elses) and I was a kid that isolated to the max. When I became an adult and had to go out into the "real world" in order to fit in I changed my personality to mimic others so I would be accepted. Over time this became the "norm" for me. But I lived in a state of fear that one day someone would pull my covers and reveal that scared little child who didn't belong anywhere. Then I would be rejected. Turned out I pulled my own covers and revealed the real me I had been suppressing all my life. Due to some tragic events my PTSD came out loud and clear. My past came running thru my head like a freight train. and I had no coping skills to deal with it. I went into a deep deep depression. Became just a shell of a person. My salvation from my past and present was alanon. It has saved my life and sanity more times than I can count. And the only people who rejected me during my time of need were those i pushed away. People will surprise you when you let them . Today I use Alanon in all aspects of my life. Although my husband isn't an alanoner I have taught him some of the behaviors I do (like he didn't already know lol) and gave him permission to call me out on them. When he see's i am isolating he will tell me and challenge me to go do something for myself. When I am not taking care of myself and becoming anxious he will remind me of HALT (hungrey,angry, lonely, tired) and ask me what I am feeling so I can take care of it.
Since I have become disabled I tend to isolate more and I need those reminders to get up and get moving. I am sure the people you speak about care for you deeply, somehow it is in our nature not to believe we are worth the love or caring. I am here to tell you, you are worth it! Keep working the program Blessings
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