The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I really don't want a divorce even though I have not liked the way I am treated for most of 21 yrs. I told my son I'm not ready, I don't want another divorce (would be my 2nd), I'm close to retirement age and don't have my funds in order yet (may come in a year or two), don't have good physical health, dread the trauma & drama, & I have the feeling my son thinks I'm just making excuses. Am I? I also don't want any more relationships so I am not in a rush. My son thinks I'm nuts. I know Ihave to do what is right for me but the pressure from him is there. And I cherish my relationship with him. My A spouse says she's going to change for the 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 th time. I think the chances of her changing are about 1%, and that leaves 99% she's not. Sad, Lyne
Your post reminds me of a reading in the courage to change book about how different people seeing things differently. You are both seeing the same situation through different viewpoints. From memory I think it goes on to say one person may be right but that we should value how other people see things. I hope this helps if I find the reading I will let you know what page number.
I fully understand how hard it is to come to a conclusion that things are over and it's really ok not to do anything. After all no decision is still a decision. I always abide by the tried and true when in doubt don't. You will know when it's the right time for you and no one else gets to tell you when it is ... this includes, dr's, counselors, priests, well meaning family and friends. You are going to know and maybe you will be one of the one's who is ok with the way things are and that's ok too. It's more important that are you taking care of yourself, finding ways to get your needs met and so on. One of the books I have read and it's helped me a great deal is Getting them sober vol 4. It's about separating when to separate, who to listen to and so on. You don't have to know if you want to leave today .. for today you can work on your relationship and work on yourself.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I totally agree with Pushka. You'll know if and when divorce is the right thing to do. For me, I tried to make things work for two years after starting Al-Anon. I had to figure things out on my own and over time, I came to realize that things were getting worse for my AH and he was taking me down with him. If he wasn't going to change, then it needed to be me. Sending you lots of support right now during this very challenging time in your marriage.
I fully understand, my AH of 37 years, has had a relapse at holiday time for the last 5 years. Periods are shorter, this last was less than 3 weeks, but behaviors get worse each time. This time he totally disrespected me and the marriage very publically and involved family and friends. I wasn't sure I would take him back and several friends and family said I shouldn't. I really don't want a divorce either and said if he wanted one, he could get it. Well now he is all remorseful and asking to come home-been sober for almost a month and will probably stay sober at least till Fall. I think he expected to come home right away once sober, but I asked him his plans and he said he had requested rehab, so I said lets see what happens with that. So we are seperated but talking. I will take it ODAT and do what is best for me.
Above all, trust yourself..no one else is in your shoes, head or heart....you will know if and when it is time to make a move. And if that time comes it will be clear....you will know....I am sorry you are going thru this ...I have been there, as have many others and the pain and sadness are overwhelming..such a sense of loss. Hang in there....
