The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Greetings to the New Year all! I won't say "Happy" New Year because who knows what lies ahead for each of us and that is such a high standard to live up to. Quite often it can make those feel less than because they do not achieve that "Happy" New Year.
Over the past couple of years, thanks to Alanon and other struggles in my life, I've learned that I am a big part of my problem or unhappiness in my life. Yes , others helped me experience things that formed my thoughts and beliefs that affected how I am today but I now know that I have the tools to deal with those issues and take control of my life. I've got a long way to go and there are those that still choose to try to hold me back but I'm learning to recognize and handle those situations better.
Typical example of something I'm struggling with is my A mom. I've finally accepted that she not only is an A and a very unhappy person but she is really just not a nice person. It's been very hard for me to say my Mom is not a good person. Who wants to say that? The other day I explained to her that my daughter would like to visit with her for the day but she does not want to spend the night. The real reason is that currently they are fighting the bed bug issue (or rather ignoring it) and also because all my mom does in the evening is drink and lay around. She's not very much fun. My daughter is 12 - very mature and recognizes that my mom has issues. When I told my mom that she would not be spending the night she barbed back with "Well then, I guess I'll just have to write her out of the will" - meaning it jokingly, but not entirely. I know my mom. It's her way of saying "well if you don't behave the way I want you to than screw you" She is a very dictatorial controlling woman. It all stems from insecurity and struggles she had as a child. But you know what? Just like me, she has a choice - she can play the cards she was dealt or she can choose a new deck.
I've been very irritible since she made that comment and I've got to let it go. The barb she threw at me did what it was meant to do. It hurt - it made me mad. I was proud of myself though. I didn't fire back - which I very much wanted to. I wanted to tell her she could shove that Will up her..... but I did not. I just said goodnight and left her to stew on why her granddaughter didn't like spending the night there anymore.
I'm so sorry to hear of these new revelations. I know that my own children have watched their father morph from a mean dry drunk into a mean wet drunk in the matter of 7-8 years. The oldest 16 is where you are, he's realizing he does not like his father and as a still "child" it manifests in a very angry young man. He is not ready to understand his father has an illness and I will not push it because the abuse my boys have endured will take years to forgive. Frankly as an adult I myself have a hard time forgiving such atrocities.
My middle son is better at detachment because he spent years "broken" and turned off to the abuse. He was able to endure it and likely will have to undergo years of therapy as I suspect we will discover he engaged in "out of body" detachment which is common for different high levels of abuse. But he now is able to not feel the abuse is his fault anymore and just feels sorry for his dad. My youngest keeps hoping dad will just magically be the "fun dad" he gets to see on occasion and that's normal for a 9 year old.
Recognizing who are parents really are is difficult and you sound very strong and I sure hope my kids one day can go through the process as well as you are. I adore my own parents heavily but I went through a period of learning my mom has severe control issues and so I have to treat her one way (as in not sharing too much info) and my dad is very forgetful and sometimes needs us to help him a little. It was frustrating for awhile but nothing like what you or my children are experiencing.
I am always impressed by the strength of those of us on this board.
