The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Its been at least ten years since my last Al-Anon meeting.My husband and his two grown daughters are alcoholics.Through the years, Ive found Peace by keeping it simple and walking away from their drinking behavior when I can. I think of it as a tornado and its much safer from afar than being caught in it.
Last year on a visit to one daughter, she came at me head on.She followed me in every room like a liquored-up Tasmanian devil.To make a long story short, she started AA soon after and has been sober since.Hallelujah!
This Christmas we had a moment alone together on the porch.She started crying and said she was sorry for her behavior that night, she was drunk and loves me no matter what was said then. Well, I melted! Immediately hugged and kissed her, thanked her for saying that, told her its bygones to me and I want her heart happy.
She stiffened up, squinted her eyes and said she wasnt finished.(Darn, I never have been very good at reading their minds like they think I can.)She said she had to do this for AA, stammered out more sorrys..then lit a half-smoked joint!All I heard after that was wha, wha, wha, like Charlie Brown!
I almost lost it on her...but held back and played dumb:
Does AA approve of weed?
I go to AA for my drin-k-i-n-g.
But thats weed, right?
Oh, this is legal.You can buy it at any blah blah.
But its weed, right?
Its le-gal.
But its weed, right?
Yes.
Well.I just want your own heart to be pure. And that was it.
I know its her thing, not mine, if she wants to be dirty in AA, but Im having a hard time shaking this one. I'm in the tornado again and taking it too personal.Ive got to let it go!
I did want to write her a thank you note for the Christmas presents but cant thank her for gifts and not her apology.Im sure that was hard for her, but geez, with a joint in her hand?I dont want to hurt her, but I tell you, a note is not in my heart.I feel I would just be going along with the dirty.
Any advice you can offer will be greatly appreciated.
Hello and welcome to MIP. It is not uncommon for and alcoholic or addict to switch addictions and also be able to justify it in their heads. Weed is legal is just another excuse, last I looked alcohol is legal to by a certain age. If she is getting high then she isn't working her program. But weather she works her program or not is her business. Our business is working our program to the best of our ability. My son is an addict so I know all to well how hurtful it is to see your child make such poor decisions. But as hard as I tried nothing I said or did could stop my son from crawling into addiction. It's beyond painful actually. I have also heard the spur of the moment amends from my son (who is not in recovery) and while I listen to him I do believe he means what he says at that moment. But for me actions speak louder than words. Until he changes behavior his attempts at amends are more for him than they are for me. I know in his heart he loves his family as much as his disease allows, I know he wouldn't hurt anyone intentionally. But I also know that he doesn't understand ( no matter how many times i tell him ) how his actions affect others. He just doesn't see it. He knows he is hurting himself with drugs but he thinks it stops there. And until he truly hits bottom, accepts recovery and changes his behavior he will never get it. I grew up with this disease as did my husband and boy we were determined to break the cycle with our own children. What we didn't know was living with the disease for so long our own thinking had become distorted and dysfunctional. So yes we raised our children differently than we were but we passed on our dysfunctional thinking and coping skills. And our son became an addict despite our best efforts. Many in my family did finally find and accept recovery and I was so happy. And as I was the caretaker for my family I waited for those amends to come my way. I didn't know much about the 12 steps then but I knew I was due some amends. I waited and waited. I listened to my brother and sister talk about how they made amends to other people. Why weren't any coming my way? Not until my life became so incredibly unmanageable and I found Alanon and my own recovery did I find that amends come in many different forms. I realized the amends my brother and sister gave me were their change of behavior. They took responsibilities for there actions, they began to help me instead of the other way around. For me that was the best amends I could ever ask for. I do hope you find an Alanon meeting in your area and start attending or join us here in the meeting room as we have meetings twice daily. I have found Alanon is a life long journey that I must stay on weather my loved ones find recovery or not. Alanon is for me and my recovery which goes way beyond the scope of just dealing with alcoholic/addicts. It works in all aspects of my life, and as life is always changing so must I. I have found if I stop my program even for just a week or two I quickly fall back into old behaviors. Here in alanon I have found unconditional support, love with no judgements. Not to many places you can find that. So please keep posting and we would love to see you in a meeting! Blessings
I am a long time member of alanon and by the grace of this program and HP I believe I have some ESH to share on your topic. I do not consider myself too much of "A Wise One:"however I have encountered many a Tasmanian devil in my years of living with alcoholism
No matter how long I am in program I must always remind myself that I am powerless over: alcohol, people, places and things. You sound as if you handled the situation very well , did not react and stayed detached. Good Job.
She is in AA and attempted to make her required amends to you. In program it is the making of the amends that counts How the other person responds is not important She is responsible to be at peace with this with her sponsor, HP and her own inner self If she did it with the aid of weed, she is the one who will suffer.
You are now dealing with that inner haunting voice that I know all too well. I would say the serenity prayer, work the first 3 steps on this. I would then d thank her for her gift and wish her well in her recovery and leave it at that.
It is interesting to hear about the different ways of making amends. I didn't know I could be in the renewed behaviour. I was waiting for a verbal amends until my Ah told me it didn't work like that, but he didn't tell me how it did work.
Thank you, ladies.Youve reminded me of what Ive been missing all these years and how much I NEED Al-Anon, that feeling of not being alone, and a bond with someone I can trust!I was overwhelmed reading your replies.Youve given me a lot to think about and DO.Exactly what I needed!
Found a local meeting.Am going tomorrow.
And, Daisy, I didnt know how it worked either.AH has been in and out of treatment numerous times and says hes never made it to amends because they should be in writing. Guess thats his excuse.Well take what we can get though, whatever helps them.And move on, right?
AH has been on the warpath today. He rared back a skillet of fried eggs at me this morning because I didnt want the burned toast he made.Didnt throw it, thank God.He got really drunk yesterday, walking around repeating:Shes not doing the program, shes not doing the program.Guess hes upset too and Im his only target.But Im fine.Hes settled now.Just keeps coming in here wondering what Im doing.He doesnt bother me at night.
Geez, thanks for a place to vent!!!......and those hugs I'm feeling. :)
Aloha Della and thanks for the maturity and humility of your post...I had to laugh at the lead one...I could just relate to thinking I was on the brink of endless recovery and mutual recovery until the half used joint fell in between us. Good attempt trying to get her to be honest however I also was married to an alcoholic/addict and when I thought I could, I couldn't and so I stopped. It's okay to be nice to them and others because that is your core...be thankful anyway and to thine own self be true, It think works here also. We can be appreciated selectively I learned. It keeps me on my value system. I'm not approving of the using, I'm being grateful for the generosity. I got an alert for you...if someone feints violence at you in whatever form...sunny side up or easy over...you're in danger. Thats abuse. It is what I use to do at one time and I apologize to any female who has to go thru it, however I went the other way and never went back. The other way is I have worked with violent men in an alternatives to violence program. Go see what protection is out there for you cause when he raised that frying pay off the fire and reared it back like he was gonna throw it at you your Higher Power is what stopped it from coming forward. Your AH had a "break" and eventually he might not beable or want to constrain it. Seriously. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Thanks, Jerry.When he does things like that on occasion, I stand my ground:Really???You REALLY want to do that?The toaster got it instead......or the chair, a beer, whatever is handy, when he slings it across the room. But youre right, it's abusive and raring back hot grease is the icing on the cake for me! I'll keep a safe distance. Both of our emotions are running high right now and I think were both breaking actually. We don't talk anymore and our relationship stinks.
Im just glad you all are opening my eyes and stirring up the raw truth.I know Ive got to downright face it ALL in order to get better one step at a time.
Listen, I didnt mean for this to be a daily diary thing.Its time to get down to business, do what you say, and follow your footsteps, slowly but surely.
My note is in the mail just like Hotrod said, so thats a done deal. See? You ARE wise ones! ;) I regret calling her on that weed but that too is a done deal. Let go and let God.
Heading to my first meeting tonight, excited but scared.Hope I can speak up......without falling out of the chair! :0
Thanks for all your support! Hugs right back to ya!
Oops! Didn't mean to sound like I'm cutting you off when I said I didn't want this to be a diary thing. I just meant...sorry for digressing....and going on and on.
Won't make it without you guys, that's for sure! :)
