Ok since coming to Alanon - I've been learning to stand up for myself and not allow people to abuse me and to set boundaries.  Well today I snapped.  I was at my parents house and I couldnt take it anymore.  While I was posting another post before - the sink erupted at my house.  My father was in the kitchen working on the garbage disposal - my mother was cooking - and my sister walked in at that point and just started to make deviled eggs and my father continued to take care of the sink.  So my mother yells into the living room at me to go and help my brother in law set the table.  I told her I was just about to go take a shower (the company we had coming was arriving in a half hour) and she started yelling at me that "Yeah Cyn, do whatever you want - F everyone else".  Then she started yelling that why wasnt I helping my father fix the flood going on (which in my house - you CANT help my father - he gets too frustrated and it ends up being worse for two people helping than allowing him to do it himself).  I said - there are two other people in the kitchen while this was going on - and you yell at ME to come in and do it.  My mother just gives me more attitude - and my sister continues with the eggs.  My brother is still in bed doing nothing.  And she is giving me shit.  Then my father says to me "Why dont you just not bother to come at all next year".  I said why dont I just leave now since I am not wanted - he then told me fine - GO.  So I packed my shit, put everything in the car and said goodbye to my sister and brother in law - and my father was still screaming at me that I am ungrateful and my mother told me to F off and went into her room. 

My sister tried to get me to stay - and said WE want you to stay.  Its not about them - its about my parents.  I am the scapegoat and I am so tired of it.  I am tired of being the bad daughter when I have spent the last three weeks trying to find the perfect gifts for my family, spent 4 months last year making a calendar for my family of all the pictures of my neices first year, I am constantly trying to make up for everything I do wrong.  And I am yelled at for not getting up instantaneously to vacuum the living room, or for sitting down when I have the flu, my neck and back are killing me, and I have horrible cramps but have been baking cookies for 2 days - but its ok for my brother in law and sister to pass out for an hour upstairs and my brother to be in bed all day because he is having a colitis attack - and I get screamed at and made to feel worthless.

So I walked out - and right now I am sitting in my office at my YMCA since it is a residence and always open.  There is some poor resident sitting at the front desk who I feel bad is spending Christmas alone - but you know what it appears SO AM I!!  It felt good to stand up for myself and WALK OUT but I feel miserable now.  I feel like I am a horrible daughter for walking out - but I am not going to be apologized to.  They dont feel that they were wrong - my father called me twice to say come back for my sister, brother and niece - not because he was wrong to say what he said or that my mother was wrong for screaming at me. 

I'm the one who is always wrong - and I am so tired of it.  I'm not a bad person - why do I always need to feel that way???