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The way I see it you are a kind, compassionate, loving person with tons of empathy Grannie is 88 years old and a pretty determined lady. She has the disease of alcoholism over which you are powerless. Your grandma is correct in her statements, you are a terrific daughter, wife, mom and grand daughter.
You are doing the best you can in helping her live her life. Remember to take care of yourself first and that we did not cause this disease, cannot control it and cannot cure it. The best we can do is treat everyone with courtesy and respect and pray for them. Saying NO is a complete sentence and that you can help her on your terms and it is fine.
Please let go of the guilt, which is a product of living with this disease. Turn the anger and fear over to HP and ask for the continued courage, and wisdom to handle this .
PS Jozie
I had another thought If you believe that Grannie should be in a nursing home because of her degenerating mental ability possibly her Doctor could give you a referral.
In my thoughts
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 2nd of January 2013 02:09:57 PM
So... As Most Know i Lost my AFather to this Disease over 4yrs ago, and NOW I'm Doing my Best to Deal with His AMother! My Gram... She is 88 Years old, Still Drives, Still Drinks, Still Hits the Clubs, Still Gambles, and still Manipulates Like Know ones Business... And I"m almost PISSED OFF About it!
Example... My AGram lived with my Aunt Just up the Road for about a Year, Well She was Drinking & Driving & Or having another Drunk (Strangers) drive her & her Vehicle Home, and My Aunt Got upset & told her that she Needed to Change or she was going to be forced to put her in a Nursing home! WELL.. My Gram desided before that would happen she would just move out! Sooo She Found a Trailor a Little Further Up the Road and now that is her home! My Aunt didn't Fight her, just said.. "Mother this is your Choice, and You know you don't have to leave!"
Well My 4'11" Granny has been a Spit Fire ever since, and she is Suckin the Serenity Right out of me on a Daily Basis.. :( And Once I was Honest with myself I Realized she is Workin the Ol' Manipulative Strings Like a PRO! She doesn't have Many Grandkids that Really Know her because She lived on the Other side of the states for about 16yrs, so many grew up not knowing her at all... And well I'm the ONLY Gal that Deals with her out of her (5) Granddaughters... And since she has moved out of my Aunts its just gotten Worse for me!
I Feel Selfish when I tell her NO! And She Will turn it into "Well I Guess I'll have to think of Something Else! Or Well, I Guess I just Go Without! Or Well, I Suppose I Will Survive!!"
She has been in & Out of the hospital 2 times in the last 3wks, for Flue & Pnamonia... And she even spent Christmas Eve/Day IN the Hospital.. Well she got out on the 27th, and called and wanted me to drive up & have my Son Shovel her Walks for a Couple Bucks! Well Im about 15miles down the road, So I ask her if she needed to go somewhere? She said Nope! I Ask her if it could wait till Tomorrow? cause i had more time then... She said "Well if Something Happens I don't know HOW I would get out!" SOooo I Hung Up and told her I would handle it! I Called My Youngest Brother who lives pretty much across the street (He Doens't Visit her either!) And ask him to take a shovel and go take care of her Please! He Agreed, Called me After said she was Good to Go, and that he told her there was still some Ice he Couldn't get up so don't go out unless super Necessary (She Isn't very balanced anymore to begin with & has No Railings!)... Well the Next Day she calls to tell me he did show up and took care of it and what he told her! "And Dumb Me Ask!" So... Did ya Listen to him?
I Knew the Answer Before she Spoke and she Sweetly says: "Well... I Did Go out to the Club that Day! But I Did OK!" I was Ready to Spit Bullets... So the Only Reason she Called me & wanted it Done was so she could get to the Bar, Not for her Safety! Like she Told Me! And She was Told By Her Docter to Stay home & Get some Rest!!! Now Mind ya She Goes thru (2) States to Drink!
So Today she has a Doctors appt & wanted me to Leave work to take her... (Its Not Far from the Bar she Goes to!) And I Said I Could not Get off Work because We are down to 2 people working & I HAVE To be there incase someone Calls! The Way I See it is IF she can drive to the bar ...Then she can drive to the Doctors...
SOOOO.... WHY DO I FEEL SO GUILTY??? I Feel like a Sculded a Child! And Said NO! She Calls me Everyday without Fail, And again Yesterday Drunk! I Do Go up at least 1-2 times a Week, and sit with her, and take care of what she needs around the house, that she can't Reach or take care of! But everytime i Do, She is Sittin on the Recliner with her VO Bottle Next to her telling me how she doesn't want to live anymore without my Dad, and Doesn't know why she's here! and Just when I'm about to blow my Top! She will say things like "Oh you are so Good to Me! or What Would I Do without you! Or Your the Best Granddaughter Ever!" and She PLAYS Her CARDS WELL!
Why is it I Can See it! And I Know it to be Manipulation! Yet... Here I am Aggitated! And Irritated! & Feeling Guilty...And I believe ALOT of it is, when My Dad Took sick he was Here then Gone! And I Feel I Never got the Chance to "Take care of him!" well Cause he never had a Chance to Grow Old! And I Feel at times I'm Tryin to Make it up with her! Because I know She wont be here for Much longer at this Pace, but at the same time, I don't want to Enable this Behavior! I'm at such a loss!
So Thanks for Letting me Share! Sorry mine are Always so Long! Thanks for Being here!
((((Jozie))))...just sending hugs and reminding you that NO is a complete sentence no matter who you relay it to...She's 88 and you're caretaking. You have more choices than she does at this point and want to say NO and detach one time or the other...Family member lives almost across the street and does help...so that's two caretakers at hands reach plus her doctor and who else? Doctor says stay down and rest and she doesn't. Doesn't sound like she is hard of hearing just hard of obeying and she might use the "granny method" on everyone when she's needing some sympathy and pity to get some support in getting her way...that's good ole manipulation for enabling. You don't have to get angry or resentful or guilty or shamed for what you're providing or not. That's a choice...you can choose to feel anything else. If she starts whining ask her how she can fix it for herself. Be kind and loving...that is who you are and what you do so ask it in a kind and loving way and be empathetic...listen to her choices before leaving for home. (((((hugs)))))
