The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Howdy Tracy! Sounds like you have some good program tools to help you. Boundaries are confusing with an alcoholic (and for anyone really...). I get that his recovery is none of your business. But the saying "he is none of my business." I dunno. You are in an intimate relationships with him, so to a degree, he is your business. Asking yourself "Is this what I want in a relationship?" is still focusing on you.
It's a fine like between accepting someone's recovery is out of your control and non of your business to manage, monitor...etc. But it is your business to not get treated badly by the person and to look out for yourself too.
Keep your expectations low. Him making excuses about long work hours for missing meetings is not a good indicator at just 4 months sober. At that point I was so immersed in AA, it was basically all I was doing in any bit of spare time I had. I recognize that is not the greatest option for you either (in that all his spare time would then be going to AA) but that is what building a solid AA foundation looks like - Basically, eating, breathing, and crapping AA for a couple years to really change lifelong patterns of self-destructive behavior.
I know in alanon you can go to 2 or 3 meetings a week and it's a decent pace for working the program. In AA, we have sayings like "meeting makers make it" and "if you are thinking about going to a meeting, go to a meeting and then think about it" because we know that we can all make BS excuses to miss meetings and then backslide....if we backslide we can die. I'm not saying this so you can manage his AA program, but so you can keep your expectations low. Going to few meetings with only 4 months sober and using a BS excuse of having to work is not a good indicator. I went to daily meetings for about 2 years while working 50 hours a week.
You are in a rough spot. Basically, I would not want to be in a relationship with someone in early recovery because even if they were working it to the best of their ability, that would leave next to nothing left over for a relationship. Obviously, when they are not working the program, that leaves them nutty, irritable, discontent...sometimes abusive. No win either way. I guess this is why they tell us in alanon to really focus on ourselves.
Prayers are with you on your journey.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 2nd of January 2013 09:58:23 AM
I am feling good t the moment, been working the steps and focusing on myself and working on my connection with my Hp.
My A has been sober for about 4 months ut things are far from perfect ha ha.
I have to remind myself daily that he is non of my business. That he is still sick although dry, I have to check my expectations.
So many times I have been here he is dy and I want everything to be o.k but putting down dink is just the beginning. True recovery is meeting and working on the steps, he is workig lomg hours so recovery is fiited in wher it can.
I love him and I know that I have to just keep working on me, this journey just get a bit tiring sometimes, but I am o.k cause I know my HP has my back.
I used to dream about his sobriety and the life we would live, and do not get me wrong things are so so much btter. But he is still sick, sometimes when drinking and full of guilt he is easir to live with. Sobriety can bring out the ego which is hard to handle after pain I have allowed this disease to put me through. I have wrote to Hp and put it in my god box asking him to help me to keep focused on myself and to keep up the work on my recovery.
TRUST TRUST hand over handover, I know what to do!!
