The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
or a week or a year. The public is allowed by permit to fire off fireworks over the New Years night and there are legals and illegals...poppers to boomers and our two pups will cower and tremble thru it all. We did not get relaxants for them...just because? so my wife stayed with one pup and me the other who just wouldn't be consoled...poor girl and this got me up tight which justifies more compassion for her. I didn't know how to console her or even if it was possible so we waited until it all ended and by that time it was 2+ am in the morning and I think I'm gonna get to sleep without my anti-depressant...for once...and then not even for once...the ptsd from the police assault came alive like never before and was trying to just do me in and so I did the anti-depressant which put me on my butt when I finally got to sleep and then I wasn't in any shape to walk the face of this earth with any other human being within 100 miles around me. I was restless, irritable and discontent just like before I got into program and didn't have the moxie or margin to pull all the way back in and it bled over to my relationship with my wife who came against my condition as if she wanted management rights...that's a no no and so I challenged her attempt and her justification and she stopped and went for a ride. It won't change in this house...if I'm out of sorts I'll get jumped because of fear based power and control. I can respond without defense and rarely do...that's historical from the alcoholic/addict family up bringing. When I do I know that one of the consequences is I can enable it to get worse which is what is happening here.
I'm not in a healthy condition...mind, body, spirit and emotions. I am listening for HP and I am working my recovery and I'm still defending in the wrong way for the wrong reasons with the wrong tools. It's best for me to let go and let God...stay still, stay calm and quiet, and practice. I've journaled it or a large part of it and I've started necessary work on some enabling behavior which I was doing habitually and should not have and I've come to reassess the true damage of 2011 which is a monster of an Elephant in the livingroom of my spirit...This is a Mastadon...not a dead, petrified one but one very much alive and roaring. My two personalities are scrapping...One wants retribution and the other wants peace and quiet. I need to go with the peace and quiet. Sit...Stay...lie down.
I get to bring it here to get it outside of my head and my emotions. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference. Make me an intrument of thy peace...
I have nothing helpful to say but that I hope you find some peace and serenity. Your words are always so comforting and supportive. Please know that you are appreciated.
Jerry - I am praying you just get some peace and some rest and good sleep. I know that for me, settling back into a normal sleep pattern was a HUGE part of my recovery. When I don't sleep right, I am totally off center and then everything I perceive is distorted again. It sucks.
(P.S. - not trying to say your program needs work cuz I know you've been around much much longer than I, but just that I know not sleeping is a big big problem - probably bigger than all the other ones you mentioned as far as things you want to work on).
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 2nd of January 2013 10:04:23 AM
Hugs Jerry, sending you lots of love and support. This too shall pass. You already know the next right thing to do. Hugs p:)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I'm Sorry Brother that you have to keep reliving this Pain that was caused you! And not just on a "Pain" level but also on a level of Rememberance... However, I"m so Grateful you have come here & Shared it, and Released it... Your Honesty has always Helped me so My Own Flaws, and Openned my Eyes to More of my Short Comings then I like to admit having... SOmetimes for me Denial is a BIG part of my life, and I"m trying to be more OPEN, and Accepting that I'm OK making Mistakes...
Know that you are In my Continued Prayers and I Do Wish you the BEST of what this New Year Can Bring to you & your Family... Doing Some "Let Go & Let God" Practice myself here lately, and I Have to say, I need Reminded VERY Often of When it is OUT of my Control, and when it is NOT Mine To Control... Thank Goodness for all of you & this Program...
Lifting you in Prayers my Friend... And Thanks again for your Honesty.. I Admire it :)
Love you and I am so sorry you are hurring. I know you will figure it out, or HP will work it out for you. Wish there was something I could say to make it better.
Hugs, Temple
Have you heard about the Thundershirts made for dogs? They give them a gentle squeeze--might buy you some time next go round.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
1st of all you are always an inspiration to me and always give me hope in my own recovery. They allow fireworks here also on New year's eve and I've got one dog who couldn't care less if the house were falling down around her and then I have my Jack Russell (Buddy) who jumps out of his skin with any loud noise he hears. Both are rescue dogs and I always wish they could talk for just 1 day so I can understand their underlying fears. We have tried relaxants for the Jack Russell to no avail. His fear over rides any medication. But I did find what is called a Thunder-Shirt for dogs. You can find it online. I bought one out of desperation. And put it on my Jack Russell during one 4th of July. It is like a vest type thing that wraps the dog nice and tight so they feel safe. Just as a baby feels when they are wrapped tightly and held. This shirt is the only thing I have found that helps my dog enough that I can just hold him quietly. He still shows fear but it is manageable. As far as sleep boy do I relate. Also suffer from PTSD and in the best of times sleep is an illusive thing for me. Also being physically disabled that just adds to it. I thought i had it under control after buying a new bed that allows me to position the mattress in a way that I can sleep. Before buying this new bed I literally slept in the living room chair ( for over a year) with pillows positioned to help me sleep and even then if i moved one iota out of position i woke up. And once I am awake going back to sleep isn't an option. After our vacation in Sept i got sick within 2 weeks of being home. I was given antibiotics and the infection cleared but I couldn't for the life of me stay awake. I was sleeping 18 hours a day, and the few hours I was awake i didn't feel like eating so was shedding pounds like crazy (which is a huge detriment to my health) the Dr finally did a full check up and I was diagnosed with Epstein Barr Syndrome. This come from having Mono which once you have it lives dormant in the body for life but comes out when your immune system is compromised. There is no cure or treatment for this disease. The best my Dr said he could do for me (and I love my Dr and normally take his advice) was to put me on a "stimulant" aka speed to take during the day to stay awake and then suggested "pot" (which is illegal in our state) to help me eat and sleep. I couldn't have been more shocked lol. 1st of all being an anorexic taking speed would be a death sentence for me which I relayed to my Dr. He said he understood that and suggested it only because he knew I would stop taking it if it compromised my health. I wasn't so sure about that since that was my drug of choice when I was younger. And pot? No thanks, not my thing. So he told me I would have to tough it out and work on getting a sleep and eating schedule myself. And that's what I have been doing the last 2 1/2 months. Making myself stay awake during the day (which is incredibly hard and makes me very cranky) then hoping for sleep at night. My husband is being supportive but I can see the toll it's taking on him. I must be as still as possible after I eat because due to my lung obstruction i use 10X the amount of calories just breathing than the normal person so add exercise to that and I will never gain weight. I feel completely inadequate as a wife and as a person not being able to do much physical. I totally lost sight of my program while trying to get this disease under control. I was sleeping thru all meetings i should have attended. It was as if I couldn't take care of myself physically and work my program at the same time. So again felt like a loser whose life was spinning out of control and becoming unmanageable again. And I had no strength to even keep up with an online meeting. I tell you all this not to complain or have a pity party here. I tell this experience to show how we all are subject to losing ourselves again when we are not feeling well physically or mentally. It becomes difficult to make rational decisions. At the moment I can stay awake during the day most days but that doesn't necessarily mean I am present in reality (if that makes sense), I am simply awake waiting until I can go to sleep. But most nights I only get 3 hours of sleep max and I am up for the rest of the night. It is very frustrating but it's better than it was. I am eating the moment I get hungry and thought for sure I had gained a lot of weight. When I went to the Dr's last week I had gained a mere 6 pounds. All the effort I had put forth and only 6 pounds to show for it. But I got back to Alanon, made it a priority. Found I could work on my health and work my program. Have a neighbor next door who is disabled and found I can help her now and then and she returns the favor when she is up to it. Have spoken freely with my husband about all this and found while he is very supportive he is not immune to being resentful on carrying more than his fair share for so long. So we decided he would challenge me each day to do 1 physical thing, which is what i need not to sink back into depression. I know the pain of PTSD and the fear. I let it rule me for so very long. I have my happy pills which do not make me tired but keep me from hanging off the ceiling by my fingernails. I too have my sights on retribution but am now working ( and i do mean working) on forgiveness through Alanon and my Pastor. I want so badly to give forgiveness to one person in particular but haven't even come close to it. And who is it hurting? Me, This person likely couldn't care less. I think your journaling is a great way to work thru things. I wanted to start blogging this year. But I want it to be totally anonymous why? Cause i can't bear to put my life out there and have people I know who are unrecoverying read it. I feel I would be totally abandoned. Still working thru those childhood issues i suppose. But in support of my goal my husband bought me an IPad for Christmas so I can carry it with me and write anytime the mood hits. For that I am grateful. Since I really don't need an IPad because I am disabled and don't go to work etc he still wanted me to have what I need on hand to further my recovery. I feel your pain, i truly do. And you are already on my prayer list so I will double up on them for you. Again you are always an inspiration to me. . . . .It took much courage for you to write your post and I hope I have that courage someday Hope I made sense with this reply lol it was a no sleep nite so kinda slap happy over here! Blessings to you always!
