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My mother is an alcoholic that is prone to rage. I am totally and completely afraid of rages. She also pretends that she isn't an alcoholic (she calls it "having a couple of cocktails,") despite the fact that she has been drinking herself into a total stupor every night for 21 years, and she's lost more than I could even begin to describe due to her drinking. The biggest lost, most recently, her husband, who committed suicide in the home with her there, three years ago. She's isolated, to a degree because of her drinking.
We all pretend for her. She doesn't drink around us. She will try to drunk dial us, but then the next day rolls around and she pretends it didn't happen. I don't answer the phoneanymore after 4:30pm if it is her.
She has always taken my children overnight, without incident, meaning no drinking. I have suspected that since her husband has died, her drinking has escalated, but can't be sure due to her secrecy and my avoidance. Well, a few weeks ago, my seven year old asked, "is grandma an alcoholic?" I asked why, and he said "she had a beer at the pizza parlor when I stayed the night with her." This means she drank at the pizza parlor and then drove him to her house. My husband is livid and I am upset. Needless to say, my son won't be allowed to stay with her again.
Well, she's asking to have him stay the night and I have been slippery and lying..saying we're going out of town, when we haven't, because I am TERRIFIED to confront her.
I always thought I would leave her drinking to her and have her come to terms with it on her own. Now that my son is involved, I am actually going to have to tell her that she can't take him overnight, why, and that she needs to get help.
How do I do this? I love her. She's been so neglectful during my childhood due to drug or alcohol abuse, I have actually never seen her sober. Yet, it is required that we pretend she was a good mother. This conversation will break the entire facade. Has anyone faced this? Why am I so terrified? I love her, but I love my child more. Keeping him safe is more important.
i too have had this problem with both my parents alcoholism. Yes it is hard at first & it will also cause arguments & upset, but dont kid yourself that it will e any different for your son than it was for you! the alcohol is THE most important thng in an alcoholics life. You have to be a responsible parent & keep your child out of her way & in a controlled & safe enviroment.
Make 2013 a better world for yourself & YOUR family , let the alcoholics get on with it if they choose to still let the alcoho have the powere over them , NOT YOU!
I had to confront my mother at one point a few years ago after a counseling session just to try to clear up an issue from my childhood. Well lets just say she is in deep denial and all it did was stir her up enough to play the victim to my brother and get me chewed out. This disease effects the whole family and there is nothing that you could say that will change her thinking until she is ready to face things on her own. At the same time it sounds like you need to have an honest conversation with her to keep your child safe. I hope you can attend some al-anon meetings and keep coming back! Dettachment and lots of al-anon meetings and literature has helped me to redirect my path towards serenity. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Remember that you don't have to convince her that what you're doing (protecting your child) is warranted or justified or right. You just have to set the boundary and stick to it. Because they're so deep in denial, and the disease will do anything to keep that denial going. It's so easy for us to get sucked into trying to convince them that we're doing the right thing -- and then we're hooked and they have us debating and involved and enmeshed.
Also, when you're a kid, your parent's rage is terrifying. Because we're literally dependent on our parents for life. But when we're adults, we're not. We take care of ourselves. Sometimes it's so easy to get sucked back into that terror -- but though the feelings are real, the reasons are not. We're able to take care of ourselves now.
You can set boundaries around the rageful behavior too. Leaving your kid with a drunk is one thing. Leaving them with a rageful drunk is another. Not trying to make you feel at all guilty cuz I know it's just you mom, but the rage is another behavior that needs to be addressed just like the drinking. Both behaviors are not acceptable and, even without the drinking, do you really want your kid around a rageful person that much? You have every right to hang up, walk away, and put distance between you and a person that is in a rage.
