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I am having a very difficult time understanding the mind of a recovering (or so I am told) A. My AH is sober or at least that's what he tells me, but I find it very difficult to believe when lately he has been disappearing for a couple days at a time. He was home last night yet is gone today. I am going to f2f meetings and trying to detach but I find that part very difficult. He was suppose to have dinner with my children tonight but never showed up. I know the boundaries need to be set but I don't know the best way to do that without it affecting my children. I'm sorry but I am at a loss. I can't even reach out to my in laws because while my husband was in rehab his mother was angry at me for it so she threatened my life (blow up my truck with me in it). Dysfunction at it's best. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
Kristen
Someone once wrote here that we codependents are champions at making molehills out of mountains.
Psychologically healthy people don't disappear for days at a time for no apparent reason, and let people who care about them know where they are. No, really.
Blowing up you and your truck...well that sounds a bit nuts too.
How will you stay sane with the insanity around you?
Take care of you, and know...this behavior is sick, sick, sick.
keep coming back, and don't make your brain hurt trying to make sense of the senseless.
One of the toughest things al anon taught me was to do for myself. So, from your post, some suggestions:
He doesn't show up for dinner? "I don't know if Daddy will be joining us. In the meantime, let's dig in while the food is still hot."
He's gone for days at a time? When he comes home, "Hello. Good to see you." And go back to what you are doing.
As you start doing for yourself, you'll pick out what needs to be addressed. Now, me, personally, I would get upset over his being MIA. But, in the meantime, before dealing with the big stuff, deal with the small stuff.
As for the MIL who threatened to blow you up, go to the police. No negotiation.
Thank you so much for your responses. I always know my MIP family are here when I need them. (((Hugs)))
I am at a constant struggle with myself to get well in my situation with my AH. I am on here multiple times a day just to read (don't usually post much). It's just nice to know I am never alone. I am in therapy since so much is going on in my life. I also go to one AA speaker meeting and two Al-anon f2f meetings a week. I am grateful that I have since found a 3rd meeting that fits my schedule which I am going to tomorrow.
I do continue to move on in my daily routine when he is MIA, but internally it frustrates the heck out of me. By the time he shows back up I'm about to explode, which is why I can never just bite my tongue and let it go. I think it is truly selfish of him to be this way. He has claimed that during his stints of MIA he is with his rehab buddies going to meetings. Do I believe him...heck no!!!!!
As for my MIL and the death threat, I instantly went to the police. They wanted me to put a restraining order on her. I refused the restraining order but had a no contact order put in place which is very similar just not to the specifics of the other. And as of this point (6 months into his sobriety if that's what we can call it) 4 out of 5 of our children want nothing to do with his family. His family was very cruel to us this summer while my AH was in rehab and I don't know that forgiveness is something they deserve. His sister even showed up at my house on Christmas with roses for me. I refused to even see her. I explained to my AH that his sister betrayed me and to get passed this requires forgiveness which I don't have for her right now which of course caused him to get angry. Ugh.
Does this merry-go-round ever stop?
I go with "if it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, sounds like a duck" It's a duck Glad to hear you are going to alanon, I can tell you it has saved my life & sanity more times than I can count. I don't know what it is like to have an A spouse. But I grew up surrounded by this disease as did my husband and we made a vow to break the cycle with our kids. Unfortunately despite our best efforts our son became an addict. We have done everything humanly possible to save/fix him. Learned in alanon we can only save ourselves so that's what I decided to do. And I don't regret it at all. I am middle aged and just getting to know who i was meant to be instead of being trained from childhood to what I should be. You didn't mention if your husband was in AA. If he just gave up drinking without a program then he is a dry drunk which means he will continue to display his addictive behaviors. In alanon as well as AA new healthy behaviors and coping skills are taught. Remember your program is life long. We have many lessons to learn sometimes we need to learn them more than once, so be gentle on yourself. Forgiveness and boundaries come with time As for MIL wow! I would drop her right out of my life. But it is not uncommon for others to look to blame someone for a loved ones addiction. My daughter who was as close to me as could be blamed me for her brother's addiction. She believes I had the power to stop it. I have tried to get her to alanon but it's a no go with her. Wish you all the best Blessings
Thank you for the kind words. Truthfully I don't know if my AH goes to AA. He feels that if I ask I am prying although he asks about when I go to meetings. I have stopped asking and let him live to his own vices. If he is going to relapse it will be only his problem. When he drove drunk with three of my children and hit a telephone pole, that was my rock bottom. I keep a close watch on how he is if I am to even allow him to take our children anywhere. There will not EVER be a chance for him to do that again. As your daughter blames you for what you didn't cause, my 15 year old son does the same to me. In his young mind he said one day...Daddy didn't kill anyone yet so what's the problem? My response was...that right there is the problem it could have been your brothers and sister that he killed. I feel for everyone that walks our lives. It is such a hard thing to love someone with an addiction. (((Hugs to you)))
Agreed, it's not "normal" for someone to disappear or exhibit other strange changes in behavior in a functional family. With my AH when the disease of A was talking, I somehow became so naive and gullible! He SMELLED like an alcoholic but he convinced me it was from drinking non-alcoholic beer or from the medication he was taking! He kept wandering off and getting into weird situations where he LOOKED drunk or someone described him as acting drunk but he thoroughly convinced me that the behavior was a side effect of something else- insomnia? prescribed pharmaceuticals? I got a home breathalyzer and after his latest relapse I had him agree to blow into it anytime I ask without complaint. A refusal to take a breathalyzer or polygraph pretty much assures you that the person is guilty. Good luck to you...
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"my country is the world, and my religion is to do good" (Thomas Paine)
