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I have been with my AH (and also addicted to Kush/synthetic pot) + occasional crack, lovely I know.
We have one child and another on the way, I'm 8 wks. pregnant, we are married. I separted from him about 3 yrs. ago for 1 solid year and then on/off for another year and now back together 2012.
He had a brief (at least I believe) affair w/a piece of trash that knew he was married w/a child 3 yrs. ago for 4 mos. of us being back together and a while afterwards, when I found out (he left his email up at our house computer) he ended it - way too much more to go into here. She was crazy just like he is. He is also diagnosed bipolar and w/a personality disorder, which is no suprise to me, most of his family is diagnosed w/mental illness.
The latest after he went to get "one beer" (after many) last evening at the corner store, turned into being a way for almost 2 1/2 hrs. and smoking crack, b/c after all it was "New Year's Eve and he worked hard that day and by God he was allowed to do what he wanted"..
We are broke until both of our paychecks tomorrow and he is freaking-out w/out his synthetic upset that no recyling places are open as he has some recyling put aside he just drove-up after finding this out honking w/a homeless feral approx. 2 yrs. old pit bull he found on a corner all excited about to carry it in to our house!! Thankfully our child did not see/know this, he is SO erractic and makes such poor decisions regularly, I told him "no way, I'm pregnant, do not and will not be introducing a new dog into our house, much less a homeles pit bull, ALSO we will be moving soon to a new place where I can guarantee will not accept a Pit Bull, not to mention once again I will not take one"...
He was infuriated, screamed at me outside, (sure the neighbors heard) and stated (as usual) that "You are so controlling!!! You decide everything!!!" I am SO sick of him being such a child/and a idiot and him thinking I AM THE WRONG one!! When anyone MILLIONS would agree with me every time!!!
Sorry, just venting and yes I am planning on going to my first Alanon meeting this evening, I need a method to help me so bad and others who understand I can't tell my family anymore, after everything in the past, me taking him back, etc.
I am so glad you are planning on getting to an al-anon meeting soon. My life was miserable when I first walked through the doors of my first face to face meeting 2 years ago and things have just gotten clearer for me everyday since. I can surely relate to your post. I am sending you love and support on this journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
The alcoholic/addict banks on your closing yourself off to your family. Not that you need to go spilling all the gory details but there are ways of obtaining family support without doing that. Careful not to isolate yourself further. That makes it harder to see other options and choices.
Aside from that, Alanon will help you lots. It's a difficult spot to be in....loving someone that is so sick but doesn't even recognize how sick they are.
Aloha Anika...I hope the meeting is an eye opener for you like it was for me not to mention a brain opener also...Please come back after the meeting and let us know how it went. That is a "poster" example of the insanity of addiction. Let go...Let God. ((((hugs))))
Hello & Welcome You are definitely in the right place. Please do get yourself to alanon meetings. It will not only help you understand alcoholic or addict and their behaviors. It will also help you understand ways you have been affected by this disease and teach you healthy coping mechanisms. I can't recommend getting involved in alanon asap and here is why. I grew up with addiction, couldn't turn around in my family without bumping into an A (A=alcoholic/addict). Even tho is was the youngest in the family i was raised to be the caretaker for the rest. And I did my job well. But I sure never cured anyone in my life. My husband also grew up in an addicted family. When our children were young we moved out of state so our children did not have to deal with this illness on a daily basis. We loved and still love our family who are A's recovering or not. But we were going to break the cycle for sure by moving (or so we thought). Truth be told our lives had already been severely affected by this disease. We were dysfunctional and didn't know it. We were very involved parents, supported all our children's dreams and goals. But we passed our dysfunctional thinking on to them. And were so surprised and shocked when our son sank into addiction. Had we found alanon when our children were young we could have had a chance to teach our children healthy coping skills. Now there are no do overs. So for your sake and that of your children please get into alanon. I can't stress that urgently enough. I finally found this amazing program at middle age, when my life was so completely unmanageable I could never get back to some sort of normality without this program. I had lost my own identity in other people's addiction there was no room left for me. Today My son is still an addict but I have found and am becoming the person i was meant to be. I am no longer angry with the choices other people make. It is up to me to make healthy choices for me. Please keep us updated on your first meeting and then the progress you are making going forward Blessings
Anika, Good for you for standing up for yourself. And welcome to al anon! Here, no need to "explain" or whatever, just share where you're at and what you need. As for your A, he can feel however he wants--you don't have to fix it or intervene or anything. You can allow him to feel however he wants, and still take care of yourself.
Thank-You guy's so much for all of the caring replies. :)
He just called on his way back from his new job, got his first paycheck which was lower than it should be normally b/c it was for his training week - he started to bitch, I calmy told him well if next week's isn't much better (he is in a trade and has to drive all over our huge city/pay for his own gas which is very high) then to start looking for another job but not to quit before he had one lined-up. Just had to put the boundries out there.
My Father who's house we were at to Christmas told me his camera went missing, he is vigilant about organziation and knowing where he places things. It's missing. My Husband has been known to take things, (thankfully my family doesn't know about this)....I'm not saying he did it...but his past doesn't bode well.. But what can I do, nothing, so I've let it go. But he was pining for his fake pot, and we were broke w/Christmas and all.
Couldn't get lower than that if he did it, my parents have been and are so incredibly nice and forgiving to him even after all he has done.
About talking to my fam. about our issues, I don't / won't do it anymore b/c I have a very large supportive circle of friends, my parents are elderly and my Mom very ill - I don't find any reason at all to lay his problems on them. They would just stress and get upset and worry.
Thankfully I'm not isolated whatsoever. My Husband's Mom know's all about his issues and we talk on occassion about him, she did finally see him as a married adult/father totally drunk and being abusive to me while at there house a while back, she even told him he couldn't drink at their house anymore. Funny coming from a drunk herself/enabler and majorly in denial woman who told him a few years back that I was too controlling to not let him drink in our home!!! LOL. I loved that she finally saw/knew what I was talking about, BUT she is also the mother that gives him alcohol knowing he has Hep C and condones his pot smoking, when it's illegal too, she told me that "Why do you care???!!!" I said, "He does it in our house right out in the open!!"
Although I care about her as my children's grandmother, she is crazy and really can piss me off sometimes so I keep our interaction to a minimum. :)
I can relate to the chaos. When I lived with my ex a I was just as mad as him but I believed I was justified and that he made me this way. Through alanon I realised that it is a family disease and I was as sick as him. To be honest there was a part of me that liked the chaos and having someone else to blame for everything as it was easier than looking at myself. I played the victim and martyr role very well. Now, through my alanon programme I can't hide behind anyone. I take my share of the blame for how I was living. I am sad that I never found alanon earlier because my children would not have suffered as much.
Thanks again for all the replies, and Xeno59 I really appreciate your insight and sharing with your experiences. It helps a lot.
But in all due respect to some other Alanon beliefs I can't put my head around or honestly don't ever see myself believing that way that I have anything to do with his drinking/addiction he's been like this since he was 14 and is in his 30's. I'm not sick at all, just sick of him, and have separted from him for a very long time before over one year - and I'm def. not a victim b/c I don't put up with it. And he is the one making me mad, by drinking, lying, putting our finances in peril and so much more. That has nothing to do with me. More than likely I will be making a permanent break - divorce soon. I didn't grow up like this and my children won't either. I refuse to look the other way and just accept that he is a drunk/addict.
As al-anoners we in no way blame ourselves for our A's drinking at all. We learn tools to deal with it in our lives and work on ourselves while dealing with it. Not sure where you got that from. I hope you can be open to getting to meetings and working your recovery from what dealing with A's has done to you and your life. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Anita, in alanon I have learned that I have no control over anyone's addiction. I did not cause it. My ex has also been a drinker from a young age. I lived with him for 20 yrs and yes I did think I caused it and could control it. My thinking became very distorted and I blamed him for my whole life. I was sick due to living with alcoholism. As part of the 12 steps I have learned to take control over me and I'm trying hard to let go of him. It sounds like you are in a better place than I was, you have boundaries that you defend and you are reaching out already. Good luck on your journey.
