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I cannot stop feeling the urge to confront my AH's mother about giving him percocets and methodone. I am so angry!!!! I know it will do no good to confront her, but this urge is not going away. I want to tell her that she is no longer welcome in my house and that she will no longer try to have a relationship with her grandchildren (she doesn't have one anyway because she has been such a crazy inconsistent person in our lives anyway).
She used to cry and ask my why I don't like her. I told her once I was sick of her giving him pain pills (at the time it was just a few at a time). She swore she wouldn't do it again. Well...he has a whole bottle which I was going to flush since he is finally passed out next to a bag of chips, but he has hidden it because I told him I was going to flush it.
I know I cannot force recovery on him, but if he doesn't have the pills, he cannot take them. I want so badly to tell him to get help or sign the divorce papers, but I cannot ever follow through.
Is this the point where I try to stage an intervention? I don't know who would come. He has lost almost all of his friends, except the druggie ones. His mother definitely will not be invited. He only has a grandmother who is in her mid 80s and not feeling all that well and a brother who has his own emotional issues. He has an aunt and uncle whom he looks up to but they are in another state. I feel as though I need to do something. It is just way too hard to sit back and watch the man I love kill himself. Thoughts/advice please.
Interventions, from what I recently heard at a workshop for alcoholics seldom work. AA does. NA does. But not until the person who is affected wants to do something to change the hell they are living in. Seems to me, you're the one whose wanting to make a change? He and his mother sound happy to do what they've always done. Is there a change you can make that will help you gain some relief from the hell you are in?
If you're not clear on what change to make, Al Anon f2f meetings for awhile (I don't know how many you attend now) might be the best conservative change you can make? I don't know what is best for you, but I do know Al Anon members usually advise not taking "drastic action" until you've attended meetings for awhile (unless, of course, you or your children are in danger).
It's been my experience that confrontrations and.or interventions don't solve much..
I like to think about alcoholism like a natural disaster...would you try to control a hurricane? Instead, we have to take care of us...batton down the hatches, fill our pantries, and stay safe.
I can hear the pain and angst in your message...I am so sorry that this happens...to all of us.
Get some support from people who get it (not his family!)...and keep coming back here...we SO get it.
I understand your need to control your husband's addiction more than you know. My son is an addict and pre alanon of course I thought it was my job to fix him, change him. I grew up with this disease and I can tell you, I never changed anyone in my life but I sure did try hard. With my son I tried so hard I lost myself in his addiction. I too thought if I could keep him away from the drugs he would get sober, only to learn he would just find a way to get more drugs. I learned every time I tried to force a solution with threats, dumping the drugs etc I was the one who walked away disappointed. Interventions are meant to raise the alcoholic/addicts bottom. Everyone would have to say something to the effect " This is how your addiction has affected me _____(fill in the blanks)" "and this is what I am going to do if you don't get help _____ (fill in the blanks)". It only works if 1. You and everyone else are ready and willing to follow thru with actions you have set forth. Such as you speak about divorce but haven't made that decision yet. You have to be ready to follow thru or your words won't mean much. and 2. The A must be willing to accept recovery. No matter what you say or do if your husband isn't ready to accept recovery there is nothing you can do to change that. I eventually found it was more productive to change the one person I could, and that was ME. Started alanon and never looked back. My son is still an addict. But today I can set healthy boundaries that protect ME. Today I can put my health and well being first and foremost without feeling guilty that I am not enabling my son. Today I can pray and hope for my son without putting any expectations on him. I can only expect my son today to act as an unrecoverying addict because that is what he is. But I can still love him, have hope for him and pray for him. But today I know his addiction and weather he accepts recovery or not rests only with him, I can't force my expectations on him. The boundaries I set were to protect me, never to punish my son. But to help him feel the consequences of his behavior. Today he sits in jail as we had to for our sake put him out of our home. He was/is homeless and no longer had a place (our home) to get high without consequences. It is suggested in Alanon that we work, really work the program before making a big life altering decisions (unless abuse is involved). It took me 3 yrs before I was really ready to let my son go and have faith that my HP would watch over him. We work on the premise of "Progress not perfection" You can't change the fact that your Mother in law participates in your husbands addiction. We can only change ourselves. When my son was first dabbling in drugs, I had been in 2 severe car accidents that left me with permanent nerve damage and pain. My son no matter how hard I tried to hide my medications would find them and take them. This was before I found alanon and the only solution I could think of, and was so sure it would work was to go off my medications so there would be nothing for him to steal. So while I lived in constant pain & anxiety so my son would stop taking drugs, he just found a different source. So you see if the addict wants it they will find a way to get it. I am hoping you are getting to face to face meetings, and please feel free to join us in the meeting room as we have online meetings twice daily. I wish you all the best! Keep coming back
The other thing I was going to point out is that if he doesn't have the pills now trust me he's going to find a way to get them. I have to accept that I am powerless over someone else's addiction, I'm powerless over people, places, things and for me the past.
You have already gotten some great ESH .. yes .. face to face meetings are the way to go, get a sponsor and reason things out before taking an action. I have recently gone back to an old saying which is Dad drinks (drugs, fill in the blanks), but what's wrong with mom. I can only change my own behavior and not that of someone else's.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
