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Hi all. Its been awhile...guess I thought I was doing ok...but the past two days I have decided maybe not! The holidays kill me...i try to love them like I did pre marriage but thing is my ah doesnt care for my fam, he no longer has a realtionship with any of his own and well, we spend much of dec walking on eggshells. Me trying to make holiday memories for our 8yo...him tyring to avoid it all. His drinking really hasnt changed much since my last posts...i guess I just havent been letting it bother me. I take comfort in alone time...except when that means hes hungover or in his office drinking and unavailable. (thats when loneliness and frustration of being a married single parent creeps in) That said, I had minor panic attack this morning after depression and dark thoughts set in the nite before and anger and resentment took over. When I told him i was feeling depressed and anxious he simply accused me of being #issey...i cried, he offered to give me my anxiety med(niicceee) and I cried more. Long story short...we both adm to being indifferent to the other one and little was accomplished. He accused me of being sexually frigid, a snob, unemoitionally supportive and not needing him...in my head I was thinking, "well, duh...what do u expect, you leave me to go drinking 3_4 nites a week"...thats what I was thinking... .thing is I thought I was detaching...i havent been getting angry, I have been trying to take care of me, I just ask he calls to say good nite to our daughter and let me know if he wont be home for dinner,I dont call looking for him...except the other morning when it was almost daybreak....that said, it seems there is a fine line between detachment and indifference. Can anyone help out....thanks and God bless
-- Edited by Theoceancalls on Sunday 30th of December 2012 11:37:55 PM
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Tears don't seem to fit with indifference for me. And they don't seem to go with detachment either. Might there be a little mixture of anger and resignation for you? Anger that you don't seem to have what you really want in a relationship and resignation to what might appear to you to be a reality that you probably aren't going to have the relationship you'd like to have with him? Just wondering.
Here's what popped into my head as I read your post - Be gentle with yourself! It's progress not perfection, and no matter how detached a person gets, it's never easy to love or live with an alcoholic. On top of that, everyone has days when we just feel vulnerable and struggle with getting through the day. Tears may come with anger or resentment or maybe sadness. There's a grieving process that goes along with even the healing of alanon. So I don't know whats best for you and your situation, but i'd sure encourage you to be gentle with yourself and know every day is a fresh chance to start again!
I feel the same as you in many ways. I think I have become indifferent like I really don't care what happens to my marriage and I know it's a bad place to be. But, right now I'm focusing on myself and if my AH won't put effort in to healing our marriage then I don't see why I should be the only one. It takes 2 to make things work and I've been putting in a lot of effort for 17 years of marriage. Oh, and the frigidity comment: I hear that all the time. He just doesn't see that I'm not going to fake being attracted to someone who is angry all the time, lying about his drinking, blaming everyone else for his problems, etc. I don't see how that says, "Hey baby, let's hit the bedroom." Sorry, but until I feel some sort of emotional intimacy towards him I just don't feel the s*x thing either. They go hand in hand in a marriage.
Anyway, I think Doozy is right. Be gentle with yourself and remember that you're not alone!
Thanks to both of u. I needed to be reminded that I need to go easy on myself ... Its not easy living this way....nor do many people understand...they only judge. I try to do all I can....i want to preserve what I can so as to be able to stay married and never have to share custody. That said, hes not going anywhere, hes nit changing...I need to do what works for me...some days that means tears and other days its "normal"...whatever that is...thank you
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
