The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
REAL CHANGE IS A PROCESS AND TAKES TIME. LEARNING ABOUT ENABLING AND DEFINING IT IS A HUGE STEP.
I SEE THAT AS THE AWARENESS PART OF THE 3 AS. ACCEPTANCE IS WHEN I FINALLY UNDERSTAND DEEP IN MY HEART AND SOUL THAT THIS IS A TRUTH AND THAT I CANNOT CONTINUE TO DO SUCH AND SUCH BECAUSE IT HURTS THE OTHER PERSON AND MYSELF. THE action PART IS TO ASK HP TO HELP AND DIRECT YOUR THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS TO MORE CONSTRUCTIVE ACTIONS.
YOU JUST DID A 10 TH STEP ON YOUR ACTIONS- YOU PROMPTLY ADMITTED WHEN YOU WERE WRONG NOW FORGIVE YOURSELF AND MOVE ON.
IT IS PROGRESS AND NOT PERFECTION
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 31st of December 2012 12:40:30 AM
It goes like this for me, I become Aware it sets in my thinking, I Accept that I need and want to change the behavior for my own well being and for others, than I take Action and it takes time to become a new habit. Don't beat yourself up, you have already leaned so much and have come a long way! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
You caught yourself, recognized it and that is what you focus on. Pat yourself on the back because recognizing it is a HUGE deal, don't blow that off. You care, that's not bad its just a new way of caring and takes time.
Aloha Cathy ...good job...you're getting it and now that you have found yourself out...make the amend. Call your son and apologize for the slip. That is part of the process after you catch and tell on yourself...It's a 10th step lesson tho you might not be at the 10th yet. Your definition of helping and enabling is much like mine. Enabling is if they have the time, ability and facility to get their needs met and I step in and take over responsibility. Helping is if they lack any one of the tools AND I ask if they need help AND They say yes...that's helping. I had to have it more defined in order to see the right perspective. Some of us need that kind of guidance. Good job...Keep it going. ((((hugs))))
Relapse (if you even call it that) in Alanon is not as clearly defined as in AA where it's obvious what a relapse is. Cathy, this is where a sponsor comes in handy. You call her before when you are having confusing thoughts and questions. It takes SOOOO much to change your thinking and behaviors. Just even recognizing that sending job postings might be enabling is progress (even if you feel you backslid). I have seen you wavering between no contact with him, to contact with boundaries, to enabling.... It's going to take practice and a continued strong alanon program to feel confident in yourself, the will of your HP, and ok with the world around you.
OK..... I enjoy being with my son and don't want to alienate him but I'm a little weak when it comes to him. Doing what I did told me I need a lot more work. I still want to see him more but need to stop and think about my actions BEFORE I take the step to do the action. He is coming for New Years to visit, I want to see him again and he is sober. Now lets see if I can stay on my side of the street and enjoy just watching movies and eating some tacos... that's it.
My thoughts right now is that he should be going to some AA New Years meetings but he is not going to go and is using me to stay sober.
I'm doing the wrong thing having him come is my thinking but I'm not going to back out.
My thinking is so messed up I hope someday soon I can change that thinking for the better for me and not messing with his mind as I learn.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Cathy...I had an alcoholic husband (now ex) AND a son who has had drug/ alcohol issues. I must say that dealing with my son was much more difficult than dealing with my husband in regards to detachment.I think it has to do with the mother bear instinct...so strong, so powerful...It is something I still struggle with, even tho my son has been clean and sober for 18 months. He gets angry very easily for no reason, and I STILL react as the mom...trying to get him to be nice, etc. I am a work in progess as we all are, but I do so relate to your posts!
I wish there were an simple way TO detach...anyone have any hints? Guess there is no easy about anything in this journey, though, is there? Detaching sounds good and my head gets it, but oh my heart!
He is in charge of his own mind as you are in charge of your own, give him that respect to be in charge of his own self, thoughts, choices, actions, consequences, etc. I use to act as my exAH's subconscious and it was too much for me to handle. Since I quit so has the control issues I had with him and the non stop argueing between us. We can now have a normal conversation and I treat him like the 40 year old man he is with all the responsibilities that go with it and he has thanked me for the respect. I have stayed dettached the last 6 months and even moved an hour and a half away. He started talking A.A. recently and to a sponsor and I am staying out of the way big time. He told me once he wouldn't go just because I was pushig it so hard, so now he will hear nothing out of me and I do not cushion his life for him anymore. Keep working your program you really have already come so far!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I'm in early recovery and seeing my son has just brought back the old habits very quickly. Detachment for me might have to keep distance for a while even though I don't like it....only because I need it. Tough....
I think I've lost some ground but I will get back up on that horse and work hard. I want my sanity just as much I want my son well. But it's ME I need to take care of. I forget so fast. ( talking to myself )
I realized I haven't been talking to my HP for help either and now look.....I'm not being honest and I'm sorry for that....sorry to me.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
The only thing I would add, to your definition of "enabling", is the add-on words "to your detriment", as in..... taken too literally, one could surmise that all nice gestures are enabling, etc...
I think it's a matter of degree Cathy..... helping him out a bit with job postings isn't all that atrocious..... as long as you're still giving him the dignity of choice, and not tieing it in with expectations..... Easier said than done...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I also struggle with this. For me I look at my son and I feel so sorry for him, he has low self esteem, no job, no money, he can't seem to gain or want to gain control over any part of his life. I feel guilt as I know I contributed partly to where he is right now. I have saved him from feeling consequences his whole life. Alanon has helped me see how wrong that is. I can't play god anymore because I have failed so detaching is my only hope for both our sakes. Cathy, it's so hard and like Hotrod said we can only give respect and courtesy anything else is harmful. I have sat in judgement of my son and tried to mould him into my idea of what he should be and this is not unconditional love. I'm not very good at it but detaching with love, for me, means listening to him without advice or demands, quiet and calm. I can't be very jokey or relaxed with him because I let my guard down and he's an expert manipulator so I have to be vigilant. I also need to give him to my hp because even if things get really bad it will be for the greater good if I don't interfere but alas my fear gets the better of me time and again and I step right in. I'm glad you are here all you wise people.
This has been and is a majorily good thread...I am grateful for what I learned in the program and grateful for finding the program in the first (or second or third of 80th LOL) place. Mahalo Akua...Thank you God!! I am grateful for what I am still learning. You CAN teach an old dog new tricks. I reread the post and all the responses cause it's a goodie and I searched my memory of things I was taught and wasn't mentioned here and I found this one...What would he do if you were no longer here? Thinking about that one helped me to let go and let God so that she could start learning to take care of herself in the best way she could.
It was during the period that I was learning how to let go and I got a field officer's radio call for a license and person check. I was working for the CHiP...and so I checked the information and it was my detached from alcoholic/addict ex-wife and when I returned the information to him I also said "The subject is known to this dispatcher" to let him know if he needed added info he could call. She was driving drunk...again. He secured her car and found her a ride home and I stayed out of it any further. Months later she put herself in rehab and did what was suggested. We did our mutual amends and continued on our ways. When I left CA to come home she was still sober and we loved each other with no justification to be married. She was taking care of herself and so was I.
Not sure how old your son is or if this will help but here goes...
I was a drug addict (hate those words!), i started drinking at home (stealing from liquer cabnet) when i was 14 and smoked pot through senior years and dropped out. Got a job at 16 and would come in so drunk the morning after big night (i was a tiny thing too) and try and work (electricuted and burned myself as was operating hot fryers etc...). I keep working full time and never lost a job (ever) .
through the years i met my husband when 19 and he delt exctacy. Fast ford 4 years and he was an alcoholic and i was taking 4+ exctacy pills plus lines of cocain, ice, speed all in one night! I got on well with my mum and would ring her when i was high and when i was low...very low!
My poor mum spent nearly 7 years wondering if this week would be the week she would get the call i was dead. Came close a few times in ICU with having stomach pumped.
When i was 24 and married my maternal instincs kicked in and i stopped everything! I am a born again Christian as is my husband (we still have issues aboit his drinking and my response etc...) we have two gorgeous kids. My husband has just got an excellent job and i have only had one or two drinks and touched nothing else and im 33 now.
My mum was always there for me and never told me to stop or yelled or protested what i was doing ( even though it was terribly painful for her) because she knew i would cut her out and do more harm. She just prayed i would be safe and i cant believe im still in one piece but i am.
xoxo
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Dont copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know Gods will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
I'm mad at myself right now. 