I know I've said it before but I feel we are walking the exact same path ( but you seem strong than me right now ) my Abf is in every description word you type. I'm struggling with the exact same situations. While safe at my parents my A thinks all is ok & wants to know when I will move my belongings back in to our apartment. The urge to communicate & reason is so strong - I guess my own sickness is still very active but I resist the best I can and try to distract myself with looking for a job and the upcoming college semester. I know that there is no amount of reasoning or explaining that will make them understand or except the terms of what has happened or that the relationship is at it's end. Forever. I wish for you the utmost strength right now. Just to focus on you, what lies ahead for YOUR future & in your best interest. I personally have an order of protection against my A, you could potentially need one in the future also if he pursues you as you exspect. It always seems they have all the energy in the world to put effort into all the wrong things. I can tell you are getting stronger in just reading what you have posted... Stay true to yourself! Know I am praying for you.

These are tools that I use to stay present. One suggestion that's been offered to me and been consistent no matter what my situation; is to find a meeting and find even more meetings when anything troublesome is going on in my life. I know I always feel better and less alone and less fearful when I make more meetings at these times.  When I visit home, I know where to find meetings and at least include one meeting. For me, not attending any meetings would be like needing medicine and forgetting to pack it in my carryon bag. I would have to find a way to get it when I arrived at my destination so my health wouldn't suffer. Meetings truly are self care for me. I can feel my higher power's presence anywhere but I particularly feel it at Alanon meetings. "I came, I came to, I came to believe." My sponsor and other program people are just a phone call away and what a gift that can be when if I'm staying with unrecovering family members. Thank goodness we're available to one another for sharing and listening.  Hearing someone's voice offering comfort and assurance can help me to continue finding courage in difficult situations.  Of course there's prayer (whatever that may mean for you personally).  Reaching out to my higher power for guidance and unconditional love.  I've had to use these tools more times than I will ever be able to count but they've worked. They're a set of tools I use with trying to work my Alanon steps.

As far as your ex bf, it's your choice.  It sounds like you've already ended it with him.  Just because he chooses to pretend he didn't hear you, doesn't mean you didn't say it and mean it. You did mean it right?  I remember sending mixed messages (I had one foot in and one foot out of the relationship) and I got mixed results from the other person. These days if I don't really mean it, I don't say it.  Completely severing a connection with someone is sometimes necessary for our own sanity and well being. When I became willing to experience a little loneliness as a trade for keeping my serenity and sanity, I started to feel more protective of my newly found wellness.  I wasn't about to just give that away to insanity again. There's no need to be held hostage by someone's manipulative threats of suicide. In my humble opinion, this is something that is between them and their higher power and no human can cause this to happen or keep it from happening.  To thine own self be true.  I hope you choose to keep your happy, joyous and free life in the year ahead.  Thanks for sharing your journey and your es&h.  Hugs.  TT