Woke up feeling tired - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Woke up feeling tired

broken apart · Member

Last night I had a hard time going to sleep because my AH. Wanted me only. Kids come to the locked bedroom door because now that he is 45 days sober he started new routines that make me feel trapped again. The kids don't bother me now because dad says leave her alone your stressing her out and shut and locks door . Then wants me to do things I don't want to then I use the new word I learned QTIP and he freaks because I'm talking al-alon talk .. Again tells me not to go to al-alon it's not for me yet. I haven't showered for 2 days , if I do then I'm going out some where, I now share my bedroom with my new sober husband that always locks the door. These are triggers for me and he nows how to used them against me now. I snuck upstairs last night to sleep in my oldest child's room because she needed to get out of the pity pot, I here foot steps and he standing over me and tells me it's time to go to bed and waits for me to get up and go down stairs. Then at 2 am he wants to figure out why I was up there. I can't say I don't want to be around you that leave the door open for argument . Then out of the clouds he twlls me about his attraction he had or has for his councler and described her to me in every detail but a wrinkle. This is also the AH that had affair for 6 months . I find my new sober husband to be cruel and I no he knows what he doing. He is working tonight until Monday night and he already pacing and concerned if I'm going out and I said I might go to a al-alon meeting , he says oh I thought we agreed not to go to that. The roads are going to be bad any ways. My anxiety is at peak right now and one hour before he goes to work it will be worst . The last time he went to work 3 days ago he came home because he could not work knowing I was going out to the dr. My dam point is I can't Handle the drink being gone. I don't care anymore about his health I will be selfish in that manor. His drink has been replaced with control and mind games and that's cruel to me , knowing I'm not well and wants to be but he won't help me get better because then I will have a voice and he can't control that . So I ask you what do I do if I can't get a face to face? I can't get out to breath, I need a hotline . I need someone to calm me down . I can't cry anymore . My name is not broken apart!! My name is CO- DEPENDANT ! Also my fear is he working this wall!!!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

This control sounds very alarming to me. No one has the right to lock another adult in a room and insist that they can't leave, or to dictate whether or not they can leave the house. Those are the signs of an abuser and if that's not bad enough, sadly the abuse tends to escalate. And abusers try to isolate their victims and keep them from getting advice and support, as he is doing with your meetings.

There are online meetings here for those who can't get to face-to-face meetings or who need extra meetings. That is a good option to have, but the bottom line is that you are an adult and adults get to decide what they will do and not do, where they will go and not go. So the fact that he is trying to keep you from meetings is a sad and serious sign.

If there is any threat of physical violence in your home (and I have fear that there is), it is important to be very careful and to take good care of yourself. The number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1800799SAFE(7233) and the website is http://www.thehotline.org/. The part about having a safety plan may be important: http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning/.

One thing is helps to ask ourselves is, "If I knew that he would never change, what decisions would I make?" Unfortunately it seems as if your A has changed in one way (he is not drinking) but the quality of the relationship has not changed. He could be controlling and unbalanced, or he could even be doing another substance. That's what my A did when he tried to swear off the alcohol. Whatever the reason, what decisions you would make if this continues is something to think about. Above all, take good care of yourself and your dear children. Hugs.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm with Mattie on this one...what you describe makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

If you can, develop a safety plan...lots of sources on line to help guide you.

Sometimes the littlest things set the abuser off, I SO REMEMBER. So, I can't tell you "just go to your alanon meeting" because I know that it's not that easy when you live with an abusive man.

Your kids deserve to be safe too, and not worry if their mom is okay, locked in a room. They are learning about relationships from this.....

Until then...stay safe, and I'm sending peace to you and yours.

RP

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am also worried for you and the control he is dispalying over you. I was able to move freely about my house and go to meetings, but still couldn't handle my exAH when he was white knuckkling it. Your kids need you more than a grown person. I believe you are being abused. I am sending you love and support and hope you can get to your meetings.

imom · Senior Member

Please, please, please...call the police and call an attorney. If you tell the police you are being locked in a room, they should be able to remove him from your house. If you are afraid to do that, call an attorney and get expert advice. There is power in knowledge. Document everything and keep it in a safe place. You will be glad you did when you need to pull out specific incidents for a judge.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your kids. You have found the strength to make it this far, so I know you can find the strength to get help for yourself.

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