The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been away from this board for about a year and a half. I've saved up a whole pile of ESH, thinking I'd come back here one experience at a time, but a recent experience changes that. I first came 6 years ago as my exAH's alcoholism came to light, and he was having an affair. He entered a strict 5 yr program, we got divorced, and after years of obsession, hurt, anger, and a whole lot of alanon, I slowly returned to me. ExAH worked a strong program, and in time became a healthier, saner person and a really good dad. Admittedly, I was able to let go of ex's recovery the past 5 yrs, because I knew others were watching. I also had in the back of my mind that a relapse was possible after the time was up (which was this past Nov.)
When I was last here, I was struggling with my 18 yr of son who was full of anger and showing addictive behaviors. My ex and I completely let him go, and after a year of being on his own and experiencing the real life reality of taking care of himself, he is here living with me with my rules, going to school, attending therapy individually and with each parent, and for the most part being a kind contributing member of the family. There are definate communication issues, he likes pot (but not at my house), and we have much work to do, but things are better. His relationship with his dad has been very strained, with much healing to be done, but again, a far cry from what was. So that is the background...
Each holiday becomes easier as I let go of the past and create new memories. Christmas was great. Kids with me and my family on Christmas Eve, exAH came over Christmas morning, then kids to go celebrate with him and his family in afternoon. When I dropped the kids off with his family, I went in to say hello. ExAH was not there yet, and it was getting late. 19 yr old son called to see where he was, and said he "sounded funny". Ex walked in a few moments later and I knew immediately. He relapsed. Sad, sad sad! :( He walked in briefly and brought food he made, then went back out to clean up a bowl he had dropped. Daughter went to help him and came to say he was leaving. Apparently he realized he was in no condition to stay. I was transported back in time as I found myself sprinting to the car, putting my hand on the key in the ignition, insistent on letting me drive him home. I wasn't angry, felt only fear and sadness. I was a bit panicky, but mostly calm. I told him its okay, and asked if he had someone he could call. He said yes, and admitted drinking and defeat to the last 5 years of hard work. Son came out and AH immediately agreed to letting him drive him home. It's a 35 minute drive! It is an absolute miracle he got there without physical or legal incident! So my son drove his dad home, put him to bed, and layed with him for a while. He came home and we talked about it and cried. He said his dad wanted him to stay all night, but he just couldnt, for he was too sad. We all know it is his battle. My kids had never seen exAH impaired before, for even when he was at his worst, he had just stayed away from home. Its different now, and the disease certainly took over where it left off! Wow! It was a very sad, but poignant bonding experience for me and my teens.
Anyhow, what had happened was this....exAh said he was cooking, and told himself it was ok to open a bottle of wine to put in dish. From that moment on, his guard was down and his disease took over. He said he then thought it would be okay to have a sip since he had been "cured" for so long, which led to a glass, the bottle, and every other bit of alcohol he could get his hands on. 5 years of sobriety gone. Yes, cunning, baffling, and POWERFUL! So, he spent the next day in meetings and with his recovery people. He is communicating directly with my son about it and 15 yr old daughter as well, though not quite as directly. This time is different as I am not alone, nor need to keep secrets. My 8 yr old doesn't know. His love for his dad is over the moon, and just knows he was sick and wants him better. I did not contact him. After 2 days, ex sent letter of apology and explanation to those he hurt. He expressed gratitude for loving and supportive people, but even more so to his Higher Power for him not hurting anyone or getting in legal trouble, and generally looking after him when he could not. He asked for forgiveness and layed out his plan for getting back on track. I replied, letting him know I wasn't angry, that I knew he worked hard and didnt want that, and that I knew he had the resources to get help. I also let him know my only role in his recovery is to keep my kids safe and that I would be vigilant in doing so.
So here I am again, Round 2, but better armed and with support. Though saddened by the situation, glad the relapse occurred with his family present and that no one was hurt! So, I dusted off my Courage to Change Book and am working on keeping my thoughts with me, and that regardless of what happens with him, I can still carry on. I am grateful for this program and the opportunity to communicate with my children. Recovery certainly is a lifelong decision, one day at a time.
Blessings,
Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness on Saturday 29th of December 2012 10:21:07 AM
-- Edited by Loupiness on Saturday 29th of December 2012 10:26:33 AM
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Wow, what a powerful way to work your program! He relapsed but you certainly didn't. The strength of this disease is very sad, and what a reminder that they are always in recovery, never recovered. But despite all the sadness, you are testimony to how not to be sucked into the insanity. And he climbed back out of the hole -- very inspiring. Sending you much admiration and support.
In that story you just shared (even though sad)brought inspiration to me. I have been thinking for days how to talk to my kids about their Dad and his Alcoholism but just never do it. Like it's a big secret. (shame) this post has awakened me that if we don't use the program...it won't help us. Thanks for sharing your experience, It touched me.
Well...it sounds like you handled it as best you could and as best as could be expected. It also sounds good that he has a plan to get back into recovery. A person that had 5 years sober is more likely to be able to do it again (though it's no guarantee). I'm guessing he must have really slacked up on his program and maybe stopped going to AA (if he went) all together.
I'm in my 5th year sober. I still go to AA so much and am so involved with the fellowship that I can't imagine sabotaging myself like that. Hopefully he will reemerge himself in AA and stay firmly planted there this time. As for you, Alanon participation is useful in case of relapse and for your overall growth as a person but also you also have great ESH to share with others and newcomers especially.
Thank goodness he has a program to fall back on and is cognizant of his relapse and how it affected others. You worked your program as you needed to, and you knew what needed to be said and done. Your story is a gentle reminder to us all that we need to stay in program and keep working it even if the addict is no longer in our lives or even if they have years of sobriety. Thank you for sharing with us today!
