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I'm new and I'm here bc I'm desperate for support and advice. I just don't know what to do. My husband loves to drink -always has. It's led to frequent fights between us as Ive realized how he just can't/won't stop. He says he loves it, knows it's a problem but never wants to be one of those people who don't drink... whatever that's supposed to mean. He gets wasted quite easily, which often leads to him saying inappropriate and sometimes cruel things. He just becomes this embarrassing jackass regardless of whose around. It ends up putting me in a position where I feel like I need to regulate how much he drinks. It's totally frustrating and really upsetting bc I am often unsuccessful. Once he starts drinking, he wants to keep going until he's a drunken fool, talking nonsense, slurring his words and falling over. Since Ive been pregnant, he'll often leave the house and go to a nearby bar to keep drinking (once I've gone to bed for the night). I wake up in a panic looking for him and calling his phone bc I don't know where he is and I'm just crazy worried/feeling betrayed. He's had 2 DUIs over the past 8 yrs (one in college and one 5 years later), but he's able to run a successful business and stop drinking for periods of time (when he's done something really embarrassing or we've gotten in an especially bad fight and I've told his parents what's going on). I definitely would classify him as a functioning alcoholic, but as he's been sure to point out, I'm not a professional able to make that official diagnosis. Regardless, alcohol is a problem that is negatively affecting his life and mine. Now I'm 9 months pregnant with our first child and I've asked him to stay sober during this time since labor is imminent and I need him in his full capacity for the birth of our daughter. He's struggling with the request and keeps finding excuses to drink/get drunk. I'm at a loss... He has a great heart and I know if he's sober he will absolutely be an amazing father. It's his drinking that will totally mess it up. I am committed to my marriage and love him so much but living like this is pretty damn rough. I'm not foolish & don't think that our daughter will magically motivate him to stop drinking (although he has claimed this), but what can I do to try to help this situation? I see that I am codependent in some ways and even enable him by keeping the extent of his problem to myself most of the time. I want to figure out how I can deal with this situation in the healthiest and happiest way possible for me and my daughter. I'm not saying Ill never leave him, but I guess I still have hope he'll make the change I truly think he knows he needs to make.
I can seriously identify with your situation and understand the pain, confusion , the fear and anger that is part of living with this disease. The AMA has classified alcoholism as a progressive deadly disease, over which we are powerless. We who live this disease become just as sick and infected and need a program of recovery as well. Alanon is that program of recovery. I urge you to search out face to face meetings in your community and attend. It is important to break the isolation caused by the disease and connect with others who are walking this road and learning new tools to live by.
There is hope and help Please also keep coming back here and sharing You are not alone
I agree with hotrod. You need to get to alanon. It will be hard with the new baby (by the way, Congrats) but make no excuse and go. I have been told by 2 people so far, bring the baby with you. I too had a little girl with an alcoholic and its the hardest thing ever. In my situation the A decided the baby didn't like him and that spawned all sorts of crazy behavior from him. At alanon you will learn to do you. Very hard concept at first, and since I am new, I still struggle with. You have to remember this is the A's problem and not yours. If at any time in your life you need to focus on you and that precious baby. PLEASE find a face to face meeting, and think of it this way...it's the first time you can have an hour to yourself, helping yourself!
One of the first things I was told when I made it here is this.... You didn't cause this (that was the easy one to accept), you cannot control this, and you cannot cure his drinking. The more you try to control or cure this, the worse it will make YOU. The drinking is his problem that he has to deal with on his own. There are TONS of people out there that have gone through pretty much what you have with a spouse with an alcohol problem and the more you try to control or monitor the drinking and his behavior, the more you "feed" the disease and it grows. Try meetings and there are also online meetings here, which are good as well if you cannot get out. I know they are Monday thru Friday at 9am and 9pm EST. I know there are also online weekend meetings too just not sure on the time. Also keep posting here and I recommend the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Drews. Keep coming back and posting.
The best thing you can do is to model recovery and go to Alanon. Bring the baby if you need to. Other than that, there is absolutely nothing you can do which will be a surefire way to "help." When someone is addicted, they take all your help and continue to do bad. Hence, it seems like you are just helping them to do bad and that becomes enabling at times. It''s really tough....The boundaries you set are for your safety, sanity, and serenity. An example of a boundary would be "No drinking while you are watching the baby." This sounds like a rule but it's a boundary for your child's safety and your serenity. You have to be prepared to follow up with consequences if the boundary is broken.
Even though boundaries help the alcoholic most times, they can't stand them....and it's not predictable that it will really change their drinking. One alcoholic could see the light and have a moment of clarity when his pregnant wife packs up his crap and says "get out" and another will use that as YET ANOTHER excuse to drink. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to make him ready for recovery.
Just to be realistic though, I was the type of fall down sloppy alcoholic you are describing. I could stop for bits here and there, but never could stop for that long before going to AA. He is likely going to need a serious program of recovery for the rest of his life in order to have a life at all. That's a really scary proposition and for me, it had to get to the point where I was almost ready to die before accepting alcohol had beaten me that badly.
Choose alanon for you so that you have energy, skills, and caring left over for yourself and your baby.
I definatly agree with Hotrod's advice & I can only tell you my experience in hopes that you keep coming back...
I can relate to your post 100%... my daughter is now 9 years old and has an understanding of the disease. By finding a healthier way of living through Al-Anon myself, she (my daughter) has praised the progress I have mad at what I told her was "getting help to become a better person". She too has changed. It reminds me of what my Mother always told me:
You cannot change a person, but you might be able to inspire a person to change. The best way to do so is to live by example.
Hang in there & keep coming back. It really does get better, especially with such support as this site has given me.
the number one thing you can do is go to al-anon meetings... You did not cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.. but there is hope in recovery.. seeking recovery for yourself can help you.. it may even end up helping him... but right now focus on you... youre about to have a new born... you can do it!!! whenever you can and are able, though, I highly advise you to get to al-anon meetings in your area. and keep coming on here!!
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I really appreciate everyone's input and I think you're all saying the things I need to hear. I have been to one alanon meeting about a year ago and it was really hard for me. I ended up sitting silently through the entire thing and feeling so much. When a very nice lady came up after and we started talking, I completely broke down. I had been carrying around this horrible, heavy, embarrassing and painful load all alone for so long and somehow for the first time I let my guard down just enough and I bawled crying. That was a really tough thing to experience bc I think I am a prideful person and this very public emotional breakdown felt too exposing, leaving me feeling like a weak person. It was too much for me to handle at the time.. Perhaps I wasn't ready. And perhaps it's bc my day to day life isn't completely unbearable. My husband's problem is always there but I think the effects and my negative reactions to his behavior is not a constant thing. I also hate how forgetful and forgiving I am towards him at times. It makes it hard for me to commit seriously to anything that could help me bc I consistently have restored faith in him and the situation when we have a good, heartfelt talk (usually when he's filled with remorse). But the pattern is there and the next crappy situation is just one excuse to drink away. In order to help my memory (and his), I have started writing him emails late night when he's very intoxicated just to tell him what he's been doing/how it makes me feel. Not sure if it's having any impact on him other than making him feel bad when he's sober, but it helps me somehow. I consider myself a fairly intelligent person, but I am so dumb and naive when it comes to my husband and his problem. And why am I so ashamed of it? Why do I feel such accountability for him? I hate that I'm like that. When I really think about it all, I believe that I continue trying to hide/contain it bc if it were to be out there for the world and everyone I know to see, there would be some tremendous pressure for me to leave him. And that pressure probably wouldn't be unfounded. Although, I think it's very easy for others to take that position when they're not in love with the person making your life crazy.
I too seemed to" Forgive and Forget" the pain of terrible incident within a day (almost like the alcoholic who forgets how disastrous the last drinking episode was) I too , protected the image of a perfect family and pretended that all was well.
When I could no longer pretend, or fake that all was well I staggered into alanon and stayed. I cried and could not speak for weeks I did listen an learn and best of all I began to walk out of meetings feeling better. I learned that the tools that I was using was a sure sign that I had been affected by the disease of alcoholism and really needed a program of recovery.
It is an anonymous program and no one gives advise or suggests that you take any huge action. I was left to learn new tools to live by and use whatever tool seemed to help me.
I urge you to try our program It saved my sanity and life
I was in your shoes 2 years ago. My therapist gave me the best advice. She said "don't depend on him for anything right now. Plan things as though he didn't exist. If you get help or participation it's a bonus.". So I flew my mom in to help me and had my doctor induce me so it could be scheduled. I took control of me. I took care of me. I know we aren't supposed to give advice but just sharing what really worked for me.
I appreciate the advice. I've actually set up a contingency plan in order to ease my mind and anxiety if I am unable to rely on him when the time comes. I asked his parents (who live 5 minutes from us) for a ride to the hospital and explained exactly why I needed to ask. They know he has an alcohol problem, but don't know the full extent since he's able to do well/hide it in most aspects of his life. Knowing that they'll be there for me (as well as my older sister) has brought me some peace. I seriously can't imagine why he'd be willing to risk missing out on the birth of his daughter for alcohol but he is. Breaks my heart.
Alanon has been a lifesaver for me. Because of your daughter, it is important for you to be healthy for her and yourself. Attend as many meetings as you can during the pregnancy as I am sure you will be busy after she is born. Remember the meetings online too. Prayers to you for a wonderful life of happiness for you and your baby.
Congrats on your pregnancy, it sounds like you're thinking things through and making sure things are safe for you and your baby when he or she arrives. I have held off from having a child with my AH until he can achieve real sobriety and I've often wondered often what would happen if we did have a child and he continues to relapse. Like probably most alcoholics, he's a wonderful partner when he's sober and an awful one when he's not.
I dont kid myself into thinking a child will keep him sober, he has a daughter from a previous marriage and I and he know that he's the only one that can choose sobriety. You might not be a professional, as you mentioned, but usuallly we know when someone's alcohol use is a problem. Good Luck to you and your baby in this new year, sending thoughts your way for a safe and joyous delivery.
