The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel so dum stupid so confused about everything . Never had a chance to have my own independence . I went from a strong controlled catholic home. To a marrage with a AH. Years of controll and not able to speak unless asked for permission. Took years to say I want a divorce.. That was tough for me. I was divorced 3 months and found AH number to. I needed feeling of being safe and some one else to deal with the big problems , the drink showed up one night and stayed for years and then the drink said to me . You are useless and nothing . So to me that's all I ever new and it was ok because I wasn't being beaten or torcherd so I guess the drink was better . AH had so much time he strayed and yes it was the behavior of the drink . And again I forgave and accepted it was my fault . I am here not to save every one but here to let my self get more abuse . Today is a bad day for me . I'm sad I'm lonly. I'm hurt . So confused now that the AH tossed that drink away and now I have some relief that is one less thing to fix or worry about. I'm not looking for pity . I'm use to my pity pot to be filled and me just swimming in it. And now to let it go and try to heal and get better , I can't do it I only know to be told what to do . I have no sence of direction no sence of making my own decisions since the drink left me. Exc,, I feel I been held in the closit for years and sudden let out and giving everything I needed. The controll is still here but not so much in my sober AH but in planted in my head!!! Programmed to wait for command to be giving , I don't have the every day coping skills to live. No matter what I learn from al alon or other ppl story or things to do to survive , my head my thinking won't allow me to do so. I'm so sure your reading this and have no concept of what I'm saying.. .. I'm lost in limbo I don't feel the purpose being here . I have so many trigger points that I can't avoid them . A color a smell a song a movie , the way the clouds look like the way the birds chirp brings everything to the surface . My AH can deal with the drink being gone . But I'm lost . My mind don't make sence any more. I wish my AH sober would not of stopped drinking, because when he did it calmed his depression and my past was never availbe to surface . Now it's here and I'm back at the age of 4 all over again reliving my nightmare just more clear now.
Like I say I'm lost and confused
So sorry you are so confused and upset. It sounds as if maybe you have reached rock bottom. When I felt like that I went to my 1st alanon meeting. I knew instantly this was the place for me. I cried through the meeting and one woman's words really struck a chord. She said 'the pity party's over' I realised I am in control of my feelings and thoughts, no one else can truly help me but me. Since then, I have made huge strides to change my negative thoughts. I still get depressed and feel sorry for myself but I won't allow it to fester. I use the steps. I go through them one by one, I write it all out, I connect with my hp and I regain serenity and sanity.
I'm not sure if what I'm saying is of any use to you but you should call your sponsor or al anon members and let these feelings out.
I do hear you and understand. You did mention that you had a therapist and did not share your deep fears and childhood trauma. Is it possible for you to check up with that same person again. You may just be able to connect and reveal how you feel and accept the help she can give.
Attending alanon face to face meetings would also be helpful. You do not have to speak. You can sit and listen and learn. When you are ready, you can share.
I did not speak at a meeting for over a year but I did listen. I also picked up literature, read every day, prayed and began to feel better I certainly felt better after each meeting.
