The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time posting, although I've been reading the forum daily for a few weeks. I am married to my AddictH and started going to Al-Anon a few weeks ago when he relapsed after a week of being clean. During that withdrawl he begged for help (this was only his second major withdrawl since he began using a few years ago) and cried and swore he'd do whatever he had to. Well, being the loving enabler I was (this was before Al-Anon, lol!) I found centers, I called for information, I read everything I could, I took away the pain and stress when I could of the withdrawl and kept pushing for rehab.
Not hard to imagine (now!) - that didn't work. :) Two days later he was using again. That's when I got furious and found Al-Anon. I've been going to meetings and reading the Big Book, along with pamphlets since.
Now to the crossroads - he's once again out of drugs and swearing he wants to get clean. He's on day 2 of the withdrawls now, and it hasn't really hit hard yet. I need advice on how to stay positive and loving and supportive, while not trying to control the situation or enabling him. I haven't said a word about rehab, and won't, although I feel I should say something like "when you're ready to get help, you will" if the time is right. He believes he can kick this alone, which won't happen, and until he decides that won't work he won't get help. BUT, I know now that I can't change that. ;) I'm learning! lol!
What are some things I can/shouldn't do during this time? Should I still rub his neck when the pain is terrible? Should I just stay out of the house? I know these seem small, but I really want to go through this situation in the best way for ME and supporting his recovery - not enabling his using. Thanks for reading this novel, and any prayers to your HP or advice you could send my way would be appreciated!
I suspect the real answer to your question is that it doesn't matter. If he really wants recovery, he will go to whatever lengths he needs to. I know we like to feel in the loop and part of the solution, and so the neck rubbing and things like that can make us feel better. But maybe worse when it doesn't "pay off" because the A relapses.
Everyone decides where their own boundaries are. I think mine would be that I would give reasonable help when asked, but otherwise go about my business peacefully.
Really for recovery he needs to be with professionals or at least addicts in recovery. A "civilian" is just an onlooker. For real help, he needs to go to people whose business it is.
Remember that the best thing you can do for him as well as for you is to focus on your own recovery. Hugs.
Withdrawal is a very dangerous thing if not done properly and in all cases should be managed by physicians. If he really wants help talk to your group and find out who in NA to contact about doing a 12 Step call. These people know what he is going through, they have been there and they can recommend solutions for any immediate issues.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I can share my story-my AH had his annual holiday relaspe (going on 5 years now. Several weeks of hard drinking, doing stupid, dangerous and hurtful things-tillsomething happens-last 3 years it was police involved-twice with him calling them on himself. Thuis year his behavior was even more bizarre and hurtful-asked him to leave-he agreed but I had to call in reinforcements to get him out. Got his own temporary place (with our help-I know-but don't think he would have left otherwise). Spent another week hard drinking, started vomiting I'm told and went through hard withdrawal on his own. Sober now-has agreed to rehab-taken the steps to initiate. In the past this would have been his passport home, not this time-still on his own-we actually agreed coming home at this point wouldn't be healthy-too easy to settle in to old patterns-isolating himself and taking his anger out on me. me. I'm enjoying a tension, stress free holiday break.
