Ive only just recently become a member of AlAnon, mostly due to my AA sponsor seeing some problems with me emotionally and having enough insight to see that it was AlAnon & ACOA issues coming up, and Im grateful for that. I had told him I felt guilty asserting myself on my daughter who Ive posted about several times before. Because of how I grew up in an alcoholic home whether there was drinking or not, It was still filled with abusive memories and at almost 50, Im just learning that its ok to love myself. Ive seen myself as "defective" and "damaged goods" up to now. And Im a recovering alcoholic too, who used alcohol to dull the pain and shame and humiliation. Ive been sober 22 years, and done all the steps, some more than once, others daily, yet couldnt get past this feeling. Long story short, I got a Nook for Christmas and figured I would buy the ACA big red book, after also reading some things like the laundry list online. Now, I also read up on the history of ACA, and I do know it was a breakaway from AlAnon specifically to address ACA issues only, so I have come to realize that ALAnon can help me with all these issues, so Im not deluded about that. PLus, I know itll help me with two issues instead of one, so thats a good thing in my book. Im grateful to my HP for pointing me in a new exciting direction. I can just exist if I want to and not judge myself, I can help another person if I want to and not have to be "qualified" to do so (I punished myself for that too) and the greatest challenge is asserting myself with my daughter. I noticed that when Im nervous or tense, I pace around cleaning things when Im in an argument with someone. Its really upsetting. Ive developed this nervous "coping mechanism" (I dont know what else to call it). Ive never been diagnosed PTSD, is that possibky whats going on here? I get so upset that I cant think straight and thats when I get up mid conversation and wash  my hands, wip counters, close doors, pick up things and put them down, pick them up again, pace in and out of the room. Especially when its my bipolar temper throwing daughter acting up. Thats when it happens the most. It takes crazy amount of effort to sit still through it. Anyone else have this? Its almost like Im losing control. (or the illusion of ever having it I suppose). Ive had this many times, once at work arguing with a guy I work with who started a fight over politics. I do know im just starting this program, and I dont expect overnight results, and have worked the AA form of the same steps, its a whole new concept on accepting myself as I am, defective, damaged, abused, unloved and switching over to a new me with God (my HP) and fellow sufferers. Id sure like to hear what others think about this wierd thing Ive got going on. On the bright side- I can see that its there and want to change it. Thats the nice part.