The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AA and Alanon programs encourage honesty and living in the solution. It's much simpler. Everyone has problems. Admitting them and doing something about them is a better lesson to your kids than hiding them and being shameful. The older kids undoubtedly already know he's an alcoholic so telling them you are going to meetings and to get help might be a relief.
Your husband not wanting to tell them or anyone else keeps it such that it's a shameful secret and he can relapse and not feel like he's ever letting down anyone but himself. Truth is, he is letting down the kids and he might as well be responsible to them too.
He will get angry probably but the answer to that is to stay sober. I hope he's going to AA daily instead of 1x per week. He's going to need a sponsor as well. In order for it to work it's a program you have to embrace fully and live. It's not something you do secretly 1 x per week.
It's anonymous from your employer and other folks who don't need to know. For spouses and immediate families, it's not a secret. It's a family illness and the family needs to be involved in recovery.
Generally speaking, counseling is not the alternative to AA because it will do nothing as long as he is actively drinking.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 28th of December 2012 09:19:54 AM
Hello everyone. Newbie here with a solid question. First I feel I should give you some background info. I have been married to my AH for 4 years, we have been together for 8. When we met I have 2 kids from a previous marriage. My oldest is 14 and then my middle is 11. When they met my AH they were 6 and 3. My kids have no contact with their biological father at all and in 2009 my husband adopted them. We also have a 4 yr old together and the boys adore her.
They have grown up in a house where Dad drank from the moment he got home from work and doesn't stop until he goes to bed. In the begining of the relationship he did do other drugs along with alcohol but has since stopped using them. The kids never came out and said.."why does Dad drink?" they just kind of watched it and never uttered a word about it. On a couple of occasions my middle son would stress his frustration and say, "why do we have to stop here again?" (here being the liquor store) and my 4 yr old once saw a Budweiser truck and said, "hey look thats what Daddy drinks"
My AH is currently going to AA meetings again. This is his 3rd go around. I basically told him if he doesn't stop we both were going to counseling. He agreed and off we went. He told the counselor he couldn't promise he would stop...it's his medicine...That was on a Saturday, then the following Monday he went to AA again and has been going faithfully for 4 weeks. I continue to go to Al anon when I can..not as much as I would like because I need someone to watch the kids, but I do go when I get the chance.
So this finally brings me to my actual question. We never tell the kids were we are actually going. We say stuff like a meeting, an appt, or going to the Doctors. My AH seems to not want them to know. Why not? I think if they hear he is trying to be better and work on himself they would respect that. It gets old when I hear, "where's Daddy?" and I can't answer with the truth. I can think of negative aspects that my AH doesn't want to disappoint them if he drinks again, but is he setting the table for a moment he can go back to drinking and not have to tell the kids he didn't succeed? At this point I think they should know, especially my oldest. I want them to know that it is an illness and you can get help and that drinking your life away is in no shape right or appropriate. Thanks for letting me share.
AHH, shame. that is it on the head. He does go to meetings daily. He is a very proud man and doesn't want his image of a strong, reliable, hardworking to be tarnished. I know the children know he is an alcoholic and all immediate family too. It is the "elephant in the room" Must go read up on shame today.
I do understand your concern and would like to suggest that AA is called Alcoholics Antonymous because members feared the harsh judgement of alcoholics in our society. That is why who attends meetings, and what is said at meetings should stay at meetings both AA and alanon.
Children are very wise and have already observed the drinking. I would examine my motives as to the point of the discussion and if it were beneficial to their mental health I would tell the teen that you are attending alanon because you need support and offer alateen to the teenager. I see no difficulty in having a frank discussion with the children about the danger of alcohol and addiction. All families should have this. At that time, the disease concept can be discussed but , in my opinion, only Dad can or should reveal his personal struggle to the children.
Glad that you are attending alanon and are posting here. Please keep coming back
Hotrod is probably right. I should caution that I'm really posting mostly from what I know about how AA works... Either he will do that or not. It is on him. I was thinking more about what I "wish" would happen "if' he were really serious and taking the program seriously. I wasn't really considering what is really right from the alanon perspective.
Many of my responses come from that stand point and I forget I'm talking to the spouse instead of the alcoholic. I come out with how the alcoholic should tweak their AA program to work and not how the spouse can benefit from alanon.
When I 1st Joined Al-Anon, it was because I had Lost My AFather to the Disease of Alcohol at the age of 58! All my Life I was told that what i Seen with my Own Eyes, was a Lie... He didn't have a problem, just liked to drink... When I had my Son 15yrs ago I Made a Promise to him & to myself that I would ALWAYS be Honest with him! And Saying that I have to say I Agree with (((Hotrod))) when she stated that it is "Dad's" job to tell the children what "He" is doing... But I See No Harm in telling them what you are doing...
My son is 15, And i have been goin to Al-Anon since he was 11... I told him that I had been raised by alcoholic my whole life, and I wanted to do better by him, and break the cycle... I told him that his Grandpa had a Disease, and the disease was Alcohol and tho some can drink in moderation, his disease took it to another level, and then took his life! My Son Now Looks to me for Honesty, and I have had to share some pretty harsh reality's with him, but at the same time, he knows when he ask, I will do my best to keep it Honest... I don't give him More then he ask for, but I do give him that much...
I too believe that your oldest may find relief in AL-ateen if you have one in your area.. I believe keeping our children in the dark of what is out there & availible to them for help is only hurting them in the long run... We don't have al-teen in my area, just al-Anon & AA, NA but I have always left the door Open for him to join me if he would like... Because I did not seek help till later in his life and I Know that this disease, MY Disease has effected him as well...
There is No Handbook on Raisin Our Kids "Right" all I can do is the Best I can do at the moment... And when the Children ask were Dad is, Well... I Would Kindly say "You are welcome to ask him when he comes home!", But I would be Willing to bet the oldest Knows its more then your telling him...
I am a Recoverying Alcoholic... My Son knows this... Because I am Not Embarrassed, but Blessed that I got to a place in my Life were I can See that the choices I have made where due to my upbringing and the life that was before me at the time... I can no longer use that as an excuse, and it is my Job to OWN Who i am Regardless of how pretty or ugly it is... That is what Recovery has taught me, and I am forever Grateful, it led me to sobrity... ONE DAY AT A TIME ....
You know your Children better then anyone, you know what they can handle and what they can not... No one can tell you what is "Right" for your Children, but I say go with your Heart, and Never use dishonesty to get out of telling the truth... From my Experieance, that has never worked out better in the end...
GLAD YOU ARE HERE... Keep Coming back... ;) Friends in Recovery
Jozie
PS... Its GREAT you are Making Meetings... If you can find a Sponser in one of your Meetings, you may find the answers you are looking for even faster :) Please take what you like and Leave the Rest... :)
My point of view from the spouse and mother of 4 daughters is that you should only tell your story and that is the story of AlAnon. You should also try to find an AlATeen meeting for your boys. Hopefully there is one by you. The 4 yr. old can go to meetings with you if you provide her with coloring books and food during the meeting. The others won't mind she is there and she will help to keep the more colorful language out of the room.
My hubby has been in AA for 12 years and he has never admitted to the kids that he is addicted. I have only been with him a couple of times when we have either been at a retreat together (once a few years ago when I shamed him into going with me) or when he took me to a couples AA meeting that they were trying to get some AlAnon going at the same meeting. (It didn't work and all the AlAnons left). What really matters is that he quit for himself. He has to do it for his own life. It will kill him. My hubby got cancer of the esophagus (stage 4-B) 5 years ago and now is very friendly with some drugs that do what the booze used to do for him. But he never will drink alcohol again.
You keep coming back here and to your face to face meetings. You have to take care of you.
Hey there... I liek the answer about checking your motives. I can tell you what I told my 9 yr. old daughter...
When she saw me in an online meetings... and then going on a regular basis, she asked me what I was doing. I told her that this was a room where I could talk to other people about the problems I was having with my feelings, and try to be a better & nicer person.
When my hubby got his 3rd dwi he started going to meetings and has just passed his 8 month (almost 9 month) mark. He had overheard me tell my daughter this, and how important this is to me. When she finally asked her Dad where he was going every Tuesday night, I was surprised to hear him tell my daughter the same thing.
I never ever discussed it while I was married to my AH. I thought it was for the best. Then our daughter hit middle school, drug education and well - it came together and she saw it for what it was. We are divorced now and it is discussed. It is not an easy thing to talk about. We raised that child for 12 years to NOT talk about it, not show it, cover it up, gloss it over...you name it! Now she is being asked about it; what are her feelings? We talk about it. It can no longer be a a secret.
I read a quote today from another recovery site that said...we are only as sick as our secrets. It kind of resonated with me today and then I saw your post and it was like another little message to remind me that secrets are best kept about surprise parties and gifts...
I don't think it would hurt to say that you two are seeking help. If my 12 year old knew it back when she was 10 - and really got clear on it a year later...I would bet your two older kids are more intuitive than you know. The where, the when, the how...that's always the tough part. I wish you luck!
I always swept it under the carpet when my kids were small but I wish I had told them because while the a has certain rights children can easily take things personal and blame themselves and that's unfair. Now, I share my alanon tools with my family and his alcoholism is there for everyone to see. I think the good of the majority is a good guide.
It is hard to share with our children the "issues" of grown up life. We have four kids 16,14,13,and 5. I wan't till I started to heal in al-anon that I shared with my children what alcoholism is and that there mommy was an alcoholic. While I spent so much of my life trying to sheild them from the reality of the alcohol in our home, the effects and consequeces didn't escape them. Once they were aware of the disease and the problems we were able to talk and share. This enabled me to share the tools of al-anon and allowed them the opportunity to talk openly with me and mommy about their concerns, disapointments and hopes for them selves and our family. What a constructive voice and mind we have in our children.
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IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS GOT
What I sadly discovered as my children got older, is that they had carried sadness, fears, and resentments that they did not feel free to share. I was so consumed with my own grief and confusion that I just couldnt add more pain. I attempted taking them to counseling and they spoke of everything but thei feelings (they were 9 & 13). They drove the counselor crazy. They didn't want to talk to a counselor, they wanted to talk with me. The thing is they knew more than I thought, and I even lied and denied to my son in my attempts to "protect" him, and he still carries anger about that. If your kids are seeing it, they know something is up. I think they may even feel reassured to know their concerns are shared and you are reaching out for help.
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
When your kids are grown up, how do you want them to remember this time? Do you want them to remember being kept in the dark and confusion or that they had a parent who was getting help with a problem?
and I can't answer with the truth. I can think of negative aspects that my AH doesn't want to disappoint them if he drinks again, but is he setting the table for a moment he can go back to drinking and not have to tell the kids he didn't succeed? At this point I think they should know, especially my oldest. I want them to know that it is an illness and you can get help and that drinking your life away is in no shape right or appropriate. Thanks for letting me share.
