The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I texted (our only form of communication) the exAH that due to his continued alcohol and drug abuse issues and per the therapists recommendation that visitation would cease. He could take me in for contempt of court and we would go have a discussion with Donna (she's our mediator.) I spoke with the mediator as well and she agreed with the therapists recommendation. This was yesterday. I got no response (typical) and then when we were eating dinner our dog starting barking like mad. I got a text 15 minutes later saying that - he put our daughters things on the porch and could I take them in please.
I haven't even had the chance to discuss the change with her. She's home alone for vacation and I've been holding off until tomorrow so if she is upset - she's not home upset all day by herself. That and I have no paid time off to take or I would! I took the boxes and brought them in another door for the time being.
So, how do I tell her? I thought about saying something along the lines of..."You know that your dad is really sick right now with his addictions and it's best to give him some space to work that out so there will not be any visits with him right now. It is most important to keep you safe and healthy and he is not able to do that at this time. I hope that one day you can resume your visits together as I know that you love him very much. He has dropped off the things from your room so that you can have them while you are apart."
Just check your motives. Make sure they are good and tell her as best you can while looking out for her and out of love for her. I don't read any vengefulness or bad motives in the way you stated it here.
I think that sounds really gentle and honest. I wish I had been as open with my kids. I was just sick and hid everything that was happening when my kids were younger. Since I got alanon I have been trying to be compassionate about their dad and I can actually say alcoholic in front of them now. That's progress.
Wow, that's a tough one! Sounds like you have a well thought out response there. Here's my take on it: she is 12, that's the age of accountablilty in most cultures. For myself, after a talk in my daughter's Kindergarden class about "good touch, bad touch"... I chose (after talking to my therapist) to tell my daugher at 5 years of age (along with her dad present) that her grandfather (my husband's dad the alcoholic) did not 'understand' about 'good touch, bad touch' and that we would not be able to see her grandparents (because the grandmother was in denial of the problem) until they got couseling for that (which of course they didn't). The realization that this 'talk' had to occur came after my husband disclosed that he had been sexually abused by his dad for most of his childhood. It was necessary for her to know (my therapist said) so that she could protect herself in the future. We have gradually added information (age appropriate) until now at 15 she knows most of the story. There are only a few details that I'm leaving out until she is married and has children of her own that she has to protect from this pedifile.
I have always maintained, like someone else said here, that honesty is the best policy. However, when your dealing with kids you also have to take into consideration what their maturity level is and ability to comprehend. And each kid is different, what might be ok for one child at a certain age, might not be for another. I also like to use the acrostic, THINK is it: Thoughtful, am I being Honest? is it Intelligent? Necessary? Kind? It's a tough world out there, and we'd like to protect our children from it, but sometimes the most kind thing that we can do is prepare them to go out into the world prepared for how it really is. Another thing that might help your daughter is alateen. I sponsored a group before my daughter was a teen, and now she too benefits from having gone to it. Hope some of this helps.
Love and hugs,
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I had to be blunt and honest with my, now 9 year old, daughter with just about anything regarding both my recovery & my husbands recovery.
When she walked in on a meeting I was in, and asked what I was doing... I told her, "You know how Mommy has been angry a lot trying to make sure she becomes a better person? These people I visit with are doing the same thing. We talk & listen to each other's stories, and we always learn something that can help us."
I don't think she has asked her Dad the same question., but she has noticed that when he quit drinking in March of this year... even though it started as sobriety out of a lack of options he has kept with it... My daughter is gaining the concept of why we both go to meetings. The best part is, she has noticed a change in us & we have noticed a change in her.
