Hi Everyone,

                        Sorry, long post. Just need to get some stuff out. I was just thinking this morning that there must be some kind of message my HP is trying to tell me, although I have had a hard time with faith in a HP over the last ten years. I've been thinking about all the alcoholics around me, and overall I think I am dealing with it quite well.

I've been married to my AH for almost 8 years now and nothing has changed. He has made a feeble attempt to go to AA over the last several years, but the truth is, he doesn't want to stop and doesn't think he has an issue. The amount he drinks has somewhat improved (not as much) but his depression when he doesn't drink seems worse. He seems more desperate to have alcohol in the house, even if it's to drink 3 beers. Our relationship changed dramatically this summer when I found out he was cheating on me. He denies it. He makes excuses to go to get beer, then doesn't come back for a few hours, and it makes me think he is still with her, I really don't know, I will never know and don't know if I will trust him ever again. I know I can't control the drinking, but I want to be able to control who he is texting and maybe still spending time with...this isn't fair, we are married after all. No Christmas kiss or hug, no positive energy around him. Just blah.

In January we will have to face some sort of debt reduction, as our finances are so bad. This scares me, but I have to move forward. I've taken the first steps and I have taken his cards away, but it doesn't help because he needs them for gas or an emergency, etc., so I am just going to get him his own bank account (he can't seem to do things on his own such as open an account, make a doctors apt., or I should say doesn't want to or refuses to and I do all of this). I am going to try and make some improvements overall to our lives and let him deal with it on his own. This is the hard part for me...I do keep rescuing him. We have a mother/son relationship and I want a real man who I don't have to take care of all the time, who can give a little back to me.

So because of our finances, a friend of his moved into an extra bedroom we have downstairs. He used to drink heavily with AH, but lost everything (wife and child) and was living on the sofa of his sisters, but he has been sober for a year, and really helped me out (talking with me) when I was having so much hurt from when AH cheated. He is paying rent and was a good influence in the house up until last week, when he took AH out "drinking" and tried to get him drunk in order to find out what is bothering him--or so he says. At any rate, he got drunk with him on a work/school night, they came home at midnight and were making lots of noise, I had trouble putting my young children to bed, and I was furious. And it brought back bad memories of the old days of the two of them drinking. This roommate had basically been my "support" in dealing with AH, and I felt betrayed. Now, let me explain that he hasn't been exactly sober...completely. He has only gone to AA once, is from a different country, and thought the American AA was weird and that it was not his cup of tea..so he got sober his own way, and he has pretty much done it for the year, except for once or twice. (He says he does not have the craving to drink large amounts of alcohol anymore, just a beer every few months and he also goes to the gym and eats much better. Mentally and physically he seems very secure). I told him that this is not the way you do it, but he feels that he can maintain this and not get back to the way he was before.

So that night, I thought I'd made a big mistake in having him live with us...that now I had two alcoholics living in the house! I was really mean to him and didn't speak to him for days. We finally talked and he felt bad, he said it was my AH who kept calling him names, one that starts with a "P" and telling him he needed to drink with him. I told him this was no excuse. He is back to not drinking and said he would never do that again, that he did not want to hurt me and that he felt horrible and apologized. That is more than I have gotten from my AH in 8 years. What is strange is that he seems to care more about what I think and how this has hurt me than my own AH. But I do worry that my AH will influence him to drink again. I know that the roommate cannot blame someone else for his drinking, but still, my AH can be a powerful influence over someone else. AH used to hide his beers when he was around his friend, but he doesn't now. So this friend stays in his room unless he comes out to make food, and my AH and him are not friends anymore for the most part. In fact, AH gets jealous when we talk.

Now the third alcoholic in my life....a guy I was basically forced to hire at my work. I tried to hire someone else, but they turned the job down and the management decided this guy was next in line. I even took it one step further and told my boss that I was dealing with this at home and did not want to deal with it at work, but to no avail. They said that any of the other applicants could have been A's too. He worked in another office that wanted to downsize and they knew already about all his problems. Funny part is, everyone seems to like him. Why are alcoholics so likeable? He is good with people, but not much else in his position.  He forgets stuff all the time and I wind up doing it for him. He drinks the hard stuff heavily, has no teeth, smokes heavily and used to have a problem with calling in sick hung over at his old job. His past supervisor even started going to alanon to figure him out. He cannot be fired easily because it's a gov't job, one has to go through a process of giving a person a chance, etc.... He has already been sick a few times and I have had to cover or work for him several times. He is married to his AW, and they both drink the same amount but seem gloriously happy together and are really sweet to each other....how ironic. She recently got cancer and has had to go to treatments, so he has also missed work because of this. Some of the treatments went horribly wrong, and she is not doing well. She is not a healthy person anyway and has been in and out of the emergency room over Christmas. I have a fear that she will die. Either way, it will be a long recovery for her if she lives, and either way, he is going to drink and get sicker himself, and oh how I hate this crap.

So I was supposed to have the whole week off from Christmas to be with my kids, to spend some quality time with them, and instead I sit in this office and have to work, and I can't help but wonder what did I do wrong in my last life to deserve this? All the other staff members are off. In some ways it is nice because I don't have the chaos of home, but I am missing the chance to spend time with my kids. And really, this office is not that crucial to being open.

And my father is an alcoholic...who I only see once a year because he lives far away, but has influenced the men I have choosen in my life because of his drinking, and my brother has his own family, living far away, and had a drinking problem at one time (two DUI's) but supposedly does not have a problem now according to the rest of the family but hardly ever speaks to me because he has become very religious and I am not, and I have a neighbor who always gives my AH beers when they are outside together, and I have other folks in other facets of my life that I know are A or that have an A spouse and are dealing with a lot of hurt.

I have tried to go to meetings, they only happen once a week here in the evenings, and my AH always has an excuse to take off, or not watch the kids so I can go. I have been to some meetings, but not made a huge attempt, because I don't like to leave the kids with him a lot because he gets angry. We have no friends except for the folks mentioned above, and no family on his side and family far away on my side.

And tonight I just want to join the crowd and drink a bottle of wine myself. Why not? When my AH has made valid attempts to stop, I have not drank at all (I still like to once in a while have a glass of wine). I used to worry about my family history and was always aware of my weekend drinking in my youth, but after going five years without any alcohol because of my kids and nursing, I know I don't have an issue. I can take it or leave it. I cannot physically drink every night like he can. But for tonight, I just want to get tipsy. I guess I am in a lot of pain and I am sick. Even AH has told me I need medication and that I am the sick one! However, I know drinking is not the answer. I'm hoping some kind of answer comes to me in the new year, because I am not happy. Even going sledding with the kids on a beautiful day seems a chore to him and he is impatient. I want positive energy around me like it used to be (I am a shell of my former self) and I guess the day will come when I will know if I am ready to leave or find a better way of dealing with this. Thanks for listening.

Minaret