The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
yes most of the time I used to think am not worth loving, even though I don't feel I am a bad person. I feel often very lonely inside, and started my recovery 8 years ago, when I hit bottom in a depression. I then started a journey of discovery of my own, I learn to love and accept, along that route many people and friends came along, and I became loving to myself, and giving to myself and others. I am not perfect, nor do I want to be.
When I met my BF it had been after a long time being single..not always lonely, but a lot alone, ..8 years. So I thought i could dare a try to be with someone again. I had focused on me all that time, knowing what I was good for me and what wasn't. But I must have overseen my lack of love. And when ABF came along he was very giving and full of attention and I simply enjoyed time together and intimacy and openness with him. He can be the most charming person, extreme in love as extreme in everything. I didn't see at that time, or didn't want to see...because I was in the here and now and wanted to give myself that joy. Then after a few months, the facade fell and effects of alcohol got more visible. i din't notice and didn't know at first, because me too I grew up in an effected environment, not of that scale i am in now, but still.
Then I came straight to al Anon, and what I learned here was far beyond what I could have imagined. I am learning to walk the steps, I am given tools to cope. It's a whole new world, and it seems I am starting from scratch, even though the journey I have walked over the past 8 months were also rich and stand now as my solid foundation, they prevent me of going down the whole way to misery land again.
yes, relationship wise i still have to get healthy.... i didn't have any practice in the past 8 years, and HP put ABF in front of me to learn what I still need to know. But I got hurt during the lesson. I didn't mean to hurt that person, I didn't mean to leave him, and I feel sorry for both of us that we couldn't use the opportunity to learn together.
Yes I felt the feeling of addiction towards him, the same way as he is in addiction to substances. But now that I know I want to break that circle, also because I noticed that his accusations are not true, that I was also a kind and giving and understanding person, with Al Alanon by my side, learning the genuine way of being, not the manipulating way.
today i know that I too deserve good healthy love, like everybody indeed, and that I have to stop the circle of negative thinking, to engage in positive things and relationships. I will miss ABF, because also i learned a lot along with him, and I'm hurt with him, for this I have to learn detachment, because I find myself sometimes rather taking his burden and struggle on top of mine because I feel he is not seeing he is going down, and he is suffering beyond his capacity. But indeed who am i to judge this. I am not God, I am not strong enough too, I wanted to be a loving girlfriend, helping him where possible. in the case of alcoholism this kind of help is not healthy, because he will never feel the consequences of his choices. So the best help I can offer is to walk away. I still hear him accusing me of selfishness and yelling and crying and begging not to leave him, because he is so anxious. But he is not a helpless baby. He is an adult , he needs to acknowledge his weakness and stand up and ask for help...
I love the person he can be, but have to walk away from the abuse to become the person I CAN be. I will miss him, but I will fight this love addiction. This had to happen, for his good, i don't know, for my own good, it feels as to be the right choice. I gave myself the time to consider and reconsider, i couldn't bear the pressure anymore. My stomach was telling me to get out, i hope this is not me fooling myself, i used to trust my gut more than anything else. i hope I am not as sick as lying to myself, I hope I am not running from something...alcoholism surely blurs the view. But it's a feeling I have, hurt and sadness and anger should not be a constant companion, as they had become over the pasrt weeks. My eyes will be open in future for the positive things. I am scared, if i will ever be able to find and see....but I will move on...now that I know better.
my gut, my HP and MIP.
i will come back here, again and again. it's here i found to learn trust and hope for the first time...starting with ME.
Our story & feelings are very similar.... I see my Abf/fiancé are strikingly simular to yours. My Abf Was & can be so sweet, thoughtful & loving. Opening every Door for me ( car or business) pulling out my chair at meals, etc... A gentlan in every way. We bonded so fast and I have always felt I could tell him anything. Our relationship was like nothing I'd ever experienced in the beginning.
I know the loss & struggle you are feeling.. I feel it intensely too. I want more for myself in so many ways. I'm so worn Down of the insanity I have lived with him. The highs and low lows! The circle talk the false accusations and total distortion of facts BUT I still miss him in so many ways. I still can't imagine life without him... I dont understand why I would even begin to miss the draining terror I have been living, under constant surveillance by him, not even allowed to grocery shop alone... But somehow I see feel such loss.
I'm proud to read how you are feeling! I'm getting there day by day but somedays I feel as if I'm back at step one. I just keep trying to look forward with only me in mind and try to see what would make me happy for once! I guess somedays I wonder if I could ever find another man that could ever matchup to what I love/ loved about my Abf the most when he was " at his best" before this horrible disease progressed so far as to practically rob him of his own mind.
My hugs and prayers are with you and your recovery as I see you and I walking along a very simular path right now.
I hope you had a wonderful Christmas & that the rest of the week will be pleasant for you... One day at a time!
Peace and Love!
Keep putting one foot in front of the other Tortuga. You sound like you are trying really hard and making sound, spiritually based decisions. Keep praying and know deep down that you do deserve the best in life.
I well understand the toxic kind of stew you are talking about. Many alcoholics addicts are very sweet, loving and kind that kind of camaflages the destruction that is going on in their lives. So many of us rush in there because we feel lonely, desperate and don't know how to look at the big picture. I know I did.
I would not actually call the issue of being merged with an addict love addiction but I certainly understand where you are coming from. I do like Pia Melody's discussions on codependency and the five characteristics of codependency.
Having low self-esteem Difficulty setting boundaries Knowing yourself, not knowing what you want Not taking care of adult needs and wants Difficulty experiencing and expressing reality moderately.
I do not see that as an addiction but I do see that an alcoholic can indeed be an incredible draw because of all of the above. Alcoholics can be alluring, deceptive and deceitful because they have to be in order to keep on using. They are also really good at passing off their problems onto others.
I really thought I missed the now Ex A what I think I now missed was the fantasy I had made up about our relationship. I had to expore that fantasy as clearly as I had to explore the ultimate reality of the relationship.
